Misfit Mondays
Misfit Mondays
Presence
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Today, we wanted to talk about being present. How can you use those tools of self awareness, self compassion, and self love and apply it to the broader community of which you're a part?
Lady Charmaine, are you sure this Shadow Work is light work? It looks questionable to me.
Lady Charmaine:It's fine Mx Zephy.
Mx Zephy:But what about toxic light work?
Lady Charmaine:Uggh, just grab a warm beverage and settle in.
Mx Zephy:End scene! Just misfits
Lady Charmaine:Hello beautiful misfits! Are you fed up with the good vibes only crowd?
Mx Zephy:People telling you where to go and how to be present?
Lady Charmaine:Afraid to make your own choices and free to be you?
Mx Zephy:Feeling just trapped?
Lady Charmaine:Us to. Join us as we turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows right now with Misfit Mondays.
Mx Zephy:Hello beautiful misfits. It's Zeph here pronouns are xe | xem and with me as always, is Lady Charmaine pronouns she | hers. So last week, we talked about taking a pause and reflection on kind of where Misfit Mondays has been, and thinking about moving forward to where we want to take Misfit Mondays and kind of what we envisioned for Misfit Mondays. We wanted to take another pause today, because our last couple episodes have been a lot of focusing on yourself, and how do you cultivate a lot of awareness of how you move in the world, how you show up in the world, how you show up for people, how you show up for how you show up for yourself. And so today, we wanted to talk about being present, because a lot of the next couple episodes after this are about how can you show up for your community? How can you use those tools of self awareness, and self compassion and self love and apply it to the broader community of which you're a part of? And so we wanted to take a moment for us to pause and go, let's get grounded in presence. And I think it's a really good topic for us to chat with, because we don't really think enough about presence were like, Oh, yeah, I'm present, but then you're like, I don't really know what that means. So yeah, Charmaine, what do you think about presence?
Lady Charmaine:I think that it is something all of us need to strive to do better at. Even people with really great practices, and remaining mindful, we all fall off the presence wagon. And even for me, in my day to day life, you know, I've got 1000 things going through my head, and people in my house are telling me something, and then I'm like, oh, what did you just say, because I wasn't there at all, at all. And so I know, it's something that I continue to work on. And being not just in the moment for myself, because I think there's a lot to be said about personal presence and how you find yourself in any present moment, whether alone or with another, but also in how we are present for others. In the case of, you know, being better listeners, or striving to make more eye contact, just the little things that allow people to know that you are with them in that moment. So and I think it's very important. And I think as we stopped to pause, and look at where we've been, and where we're going, you know, I'm gonna throw out another p word in there. And it's called it perseverance because that is part of the pause is pausing to get present. recenter, realign, and, and then persevere. So I'm all for it today. I'm ready to, to dig in a little bit. I'm not sure what you have on your mind. And we're going, we're going off the off the cuff here, folks. So enjoy the ride.
Mx Zephy:I have a lot on my mind, actually. Cuz you're talking about, umm having 8 million things to do. And I think that's, I think, let's, let's route this conversation, let's really grounded this conversation in that sense of overwhelm. Because I think that's where I think that's where we can begin to really understand prevalence and really appreciate the nuances of presence. Because when we're overwhelmed, we have like 8 million things going on. And I think, and I believe that one of the reasons why we get so overwhelmed is because we have so many expectations on us to perform, to act to think to breathe to be that we're always constantly striving for this sense of what these expectations are, so we can feel like we deserve and that we are worth it. And so with in for me, when I think of presence, it's this sense of overwhelming and striving to achieve and striving to be so much that literally your physical body is here, your physical body is occupying a very like solid space. It's occupying a very state in the present, but your mind is in like 8 million other directions and so It's almost like there's a disconnect or there is a, it's a scattering of your mind. So your your body is hear and now, but your mind is like in the past, thinking about, you know, the conversation that you said something hurtful, or you're thinking about something that you didn't do, or you're thinking about some, you're just thinking about all these different things and the ways that you could have done it better, or your mind is focusing on the future thinking about, oh, I have this to do, and I have this to do. And, oh, yeah, I have to also think about how I'm gonna, you know, stage this relationship in order for me to feel better about what I said in the past. And so you're always thinking about the ways in which you can always act or react, there's never a moment to just say, you know, what, fuck acting and reacting How about I just be, and I think it's that be is that pausing, it's that, it's that being present is where it is where you can learn to just be, and that's where you can really make it a challenge to yourself to pay attention to conversations, to just be present right here right now. Um, and it just means that you're focused, it means that you're engaged, and you're not distracted, but you're actually paying attention to what's going on right here right now without focusing on the shit in the past, or having anxiety for the things in the future.
Lady Charmaine:I love that. And I think that, for me, I learned a big lesson this week, dealing with some of my own stuff. And it comes, you know, kind of back to what you're saying, I have to remind myself a lot, sometimes more than others, that my worth is not wrapped up in my production. So rather than trying, trying to focus and attempting and failing at presence in one area of my life, I chose to be present for myself and for what I needed, what my body needed, what my mind needed. And you know took extra time this last week to take bubble baths in the afternoon, or take a lunchtime nap to feel into what I needed. And I think we forget that so much that we believe in many ways that presence is, again, how we show up for others. And being present is a really focused on listening and focusing with other people. And we don't always look at it as we need to be present with ourselves. And, and find that time to enjoy the quiet and enjoy the the space and breadth of our being.
Mx Zephy:I love this. This is like an active practice for you. Because I think I believe that one of the because the thing I see the most and I've experienced this for myself, is that when we have all this emotional distress we have when we're operating in spaces of scarcity and uncertainty, we tend to disengage from what's causing that scarcity, what's causing those feelings or emotions, we're like, we're gonna turn away it's it's, it's fear, I think at the root is its fear. And so we're like, well, I don't want to acknowledge that fear, I want to turn away from and do all these other fucking things. And so you get further and further and further further away from presence. But what I love that you've done this week is that you said, You know what, I'm not going to distract myself from these unpleasant thoughts. I'm not going to hide away from feeling into this, you chose differently to not hide from what that reality of that situation was. And you acknowledge that those that was a trigger that that was your stress, and then you worked mindfully to do it, you were taking bath, you're doing all these other things. And I think that's the best way to actually cultivate presence, self awareness. What can you talk a little bit more about how you were feeling during these moments? I knew that you were gonna I'm asking you to be a little bit vulnerable. And again, okay,
Lady Charmaine:absolutely. So for me, very much I believe in and trust and honesty, and that is in every every relationship that I have, whether it's with my children, we have, Believe you me, I have a very open and honest relationship with my children and they know that they can trust me to come to me with literally anything and there have been some doozies open and honest communication and being vulnerable, and, and very honest about things is very paramount for me in all that I do friendships business, even someone that I work with now. I adore her beyond words. But there are not secrets. We have the hard conversations. We are like family. We don't always agree. people's feelings get hurt, but we acknowledge it and we talk it out and having that relationship is amazing. So this last week, someone that's close to me, I found out was not being open and honest with me and was not I'm gonna say lying by omission. Okay? Which is just a huge No, no, for me, that's if we cannot speak openly and honestly about things, and it's not really a relationship in my mind. So I was dealing with that, and I, it sucked. And it brought up a lot of triggers from my past and a lot of unworthiness and a lot of, you know, why would someone choose to lie to me and all of all of these things in myself that I had to work from. And at the same time, because of my own healing journey, I also had to take a step back and think about this person, and their life and their triggers that I'm aware of. And, you know, how, how did they possibly see this situation, that this was the right decision for them at that time, and really try to come at it from a place of compassion. And while I was able to work through the anger and the grief and and come to a place of compassion, to have a very open and honest conversation with that person, it didn't diminish the pain that I felt internally and the struggles that I was going through. So I found myself in a place of severe like depressive funk that I have not been in, and probably almost six months. And it was odd because it has been so long since I've been there. And in the past, I would push through exactly that, I would be like, Oh, well, that's bothering me, let me throw all of my energy into this area, this area, and really, really focus there and then push this all down. But I know that when you push it down like it, then it's like the smallest. The smallest hairline fracture, will blow that sucker back up again, and like things never actually get better. So I took time to like, feel into what I needed, emotionally, physically, mentally this week. And like I said, there was I took a half day off work, and literally just went and took a nap. I climbed into bed after lunch. And I didn't get back up again until I had to go get my child from school. I just napped, I just took a nap. And but in order to be present and available to my family, like I needed that I needed that time. Yesterday, I took a nice afternoon bath and I put in my I mean it got whoo I put in my blue moon water that I've been saving and some essential oils. And then I put in some ayurveda oils. And I mean, I got in there and I soaked and like scrubbed all the crud off of my my soul, you know really did a spiritual cleansing. But that's something I needed. You know, I needed to get to a point where I was remembering that I am the captain of my own ship, I get to choose my own joy and pleasure. And that's my that's my job. Like my job is to keep my rudder steering towards my joy and pleasure. And I get to have that joy and pleasure. It is not based on any one or anything else. So it's been quite a week I feel much better. And like a lot better. It was a craggy nasty couple of days where my chest hurt my stomach hurt my head hurt you like the stress was actually taking on physical manifestation and that's when I was like, Oh, girl, get it together. Time to time to get the self care I'm locked down. So while I doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo well, self care routine, a ritual that I do. daily, weekly, I have things that I partake in. I really upped the ante this week, because I knew I needed it. And I wanted to be present for myself acknowledge those feelings. I did a lot of journaling. Got it all out of my system. And I realized, you know how much I forget that because I do put a lot of my presence into, you know, am I fully there when I'm teaching yoga? Am I being a good listener? Am I you know, on these other outward categories of being present.
Mx Zephy:That is fucking beautiful. I think there's a lot to unpack there because you know, in
Lady Charmaine:I got a 8 piece luggage set right there.
Mx Zephy:Look, there's a lot and I have a lot of thoughts. So you know, as much as I don't like JK Rowling and her TERFy bullshit, there's a quote that's coming to my mind, we do not have the emotional range of a fucking teaspoon. And literally, I'm sitting here listening to you, and I'm gonna name off some of these emotions that I heard that came from this experience. One, there was a sense of compassion, it was compassion, not only for yourself, but it's compassion for this person who was causing this distress in this relationship. So and sprouting from that is some self awareness, because you're like, I understand what I'm feeling in this moment, I may be understanding what you're feeling this moment, I may not know it, in particular, What's your feeling, but I understand what this feels like two there was anger, there was grief, there was heartbreak, there, there's just a lot of things that are like going through your mind. And I think that's something that people seem to forget is that we are very complex beings, and we don't just feel one emotion at one time, we feel a lot of different complex things. And I think that the part of big the big piece of presence is to understand that we feel all these emotions, and sometimes we may not understand all what they are. That's because we haven't taken the time to sit with them because they feel uncomfortable, and we want to turn away from them. But and I love this example that you're giving because this is this is really like this, this beautiful, glorious exercise in like, how do I be present with myself when it's super fucking uncomfortable. Because you You didn't push it down like it used to you allowed it to kind of sprout into self awareness, you allowed it to blossom self love, and care and presence, you allowed like all these negative emotions to be transmuted into something absolutely glorious, you know, and in the process, what I see as the end result of this was you relieved yourself those unpleasant emotions, you sat through it, you you work through it, you were like, let me tease apart what I'm feeling how I'm feeling, how do I regulate these emotions? regulating emotions is a huge skill that that will take at least a six hour course on how do we regulate emotions at the at the least. There's also a thing of strengthening relationships. Because and I'm not talking about the relationship with that person that caused harm. I'm talking about strengthening relationships, not only with yourself, because you you said here, the things that I need, here are the resources I have available to them, here's how I'm going to meet them. Great, that's good. But there's also this other piece here, where I'm seeing that you communicated with your family, hey, I need to do X, Y, and Z thing. You were present enough in the moment to say, you know, I have these needs, I have these things that I that I need to take care of this week, can you give me a moment to pause. And so I think that there's a there's this aspect of strengthening relationships by being open by being transparent by communicating your needs and saying these are the things I need. And then they were able to express how they could give what they what they could give you in order to support without asking, without even complaining about it, either. They just let you have that space. I think there's also another one, and you can correct me if I'm wrong on this one. But I think it also opened a space of gratitude for yourself. Because I think there's this piece from what I'm hearing here is, I felt like you opened up a space of gratitude, because you were like, you know, I'm gonna blossom into this self love, I'm gonna blossom into this, this gratitude, I'm going to really just, you know, I don't want to continue with this metaphor of the plant, because there's like, some sexual references that are coming out. Like, that's where they're gonna sound like, that's not what I mean. So I'm trying to like think of another metaphor, and it's not coming. But anyways. So it's like, it's opening the space of gratitude, gratitude, because you were able to. So let me pause and bring back because I think that yes, we are all I think that we all exist in a space of love. I think that our fundamental language of understanding between us and other people is through love. And I think that what gets in the way, what I believe gets in the way is fear. I think that and it's not even the opposite of love. I don't think that fears opposite of love. I think it's something that operates in tandem with it, I don't necessarily see it as something that operates in tandem. But I think that with fear, there's a thing where we do this spiritual bypassing of like, in order to get around this fear, I'm just going to ignore it and push it to the side but you didn't do that. And I think by you know, really cutting through that shit and really drilling through it, you were like, Oh, I can integrate this and when you just integrated that fear about what these emotions might bring up, you found this basic gratitude for yourself.
Lady Charmaine:I agree with that.
Mx Zephy:I think it was a lot to unpack. To just to like distill down
Lady Charmaine:know and that is I did find a place of gratitude for myself and you I think we've talked in the past about celebrating even the small wins and when you're in the midst of your journey, you don't always take the time to celebrate the small wins sometimes you forget to even celebrate the big wins. But for me, this was this was a win to celebrate like it was a I was able to say oh look how far I've come like I know that two or three years ago, this would not have been the scenario like this would have been a whole other ballgame of chaotic drama in my head. Because if anyone is like me and something trips, your your trauma trigger. You can easily go down A spiral of rabbit holes because one bad thought leads to the next bad thought to the next bad thought. And before you know it, you are back to like some shit that happened in high school, and, and how all of these things have culminated in your life and your your worth is shot would fall down those rabbit holes on a regular basis. It was like, Oh, here we go again. But this time as it started, and I started to, like, be like, Oh, this is just like that last time in my life. And, and these are the signs and the reasons why. Like, people have done this to me, or why this has happened to me in my life. I was able to be like, Fuck that. Like, yes, that happened in my past. Yes, this is happening. Now. Yes, there are similarities. But these are two very different situations. I'm not the person I was then. And I don't need to keep going. I don't need to keep doing this. And basically,
Mx Zephy:what you're saying is you are just being mindful, being aware of like, past situations, current situations and mindful of how you want to change it.
Lady Charmaine:Mm hmm.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, just coming in here, just to cut it all down into like, one simple.
Lady Charmaine:I love how I, I've got an entire sunflower field over here. And I'm just picking them at random. And then you're like, oh, and look at this. When you put them all together, we have just a bag of sunflower seeds. And it all makes sense.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, I love how sometimes if that's how my head works, it's like, oh, I can see this entire field. And everything in this field looks completely fucking different. But I'm like, but actually, the common thread, use the common seed between all of them, because the root here is mindfulness.
Lady Charmaine:So many plant references, I love it.
Mx Zephy:Look, plants are the best thing for like growth and new beginnings and death, like plants, for me exists at like the transition between life and death. And between growth and whether like growth and death, and they just existed at the nexus of it's almost like they exist outside of a binary of things. I think, I think it's why I love them so much.
Lady Charmaine:And we happen to be in this, you know, weird Mercury Retrograde right now. And fudge, it's all about rebirth, kind of at this moment. And it's all about realignment.
Mx Zephy:And also just taking a pause to actually speaking of pause, because Mercury Retrograde usually results in some pretty shitty communication if you're not careful. Oh,
Lady Charmaine:oh, I just loved it.
Mx Zephy:Um, but yeah, so I think also like, so since we're on this mindfulness topic, maybe it's time to transition a little bit into talking about like, strategies, like the things like, you know, when you're talking about this really rough situation you're going through, and you know, and I'm holding that with care, because I think the situations are suck, sucky. And I'm glad you took the time for yourself. They often feel uncomfortable, and they feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of this. And you just feel kind of just stuck in the mud. And you're just like, it's almost like, I hate pulling up this reference. We pulled it up before, but it's like atreyu in the of sorrows I know, like, how do I prevent myself from drowning, or like getting stuck in this muck? Um, and then and I think it's it's rooted in mindfulness. But like, mindfulness is a big topic. It feels so big like for us where we've been doing mindfulness, mindfulness techniques for a while, it comes a little easier because we're aware of our triggers we're aware of like, why we do the things that we do. Sometimes we still don't make the best choices because hey, we're humans, and we're gonna fuck it up. But I think that the we're, we have these techniques available to us. And I think it's our responsibility to share a little bit of what we've learned along the way. Um, so what are some exercises you use to get into this mindful state where you're not spiraling into like Oblivion, and you're able to stay present with what you're feeling and how you're responding?
Lady Charmaine:Alright, well, first, I'm going to take just a quick step back and I'm going to say thank you to you for being my partner in crime this week, because one of the things about me and something that I very much have done in the past and I did a bit this week, is that I really step away from people. And I take a step away from people that are close to me when I am in my feelings, because I don't want my feelings to overwhelm another. Okay, so I've had this thing in my Had my entire life where, by me being vulnerable and honest about struggling, I'm always concerned that I'm going to bring another down. Rather than coming from a place of seeking help. I'm not very good at asking for help I'm, I'm continually continuing to grow in this area. But after a day, or even no two days of like radio silence, I was like, I'm so I'm in my fields. And this is kind of my mo is I pull away from people. And please don't take it personally. And this is where I'm at. And you were just so kind and able to hold space. And that's what I love is that we have a friendship where, there, there aren't any hurt feelings just because life gets in the way. It's like, Oh, that's alright. Like You do you. I'm here. It's all good. So I appreciate that. That was a big step in mindfulness of just being honest with another person for me, because I usually just keep it to myself.
Mx Zephy:The Oh, you're welcome. So much, because, look, you're talking to a fucking Libra moon, and like, I have so much damn love to give, and I often don't know where to fucking put it. And then I had to learn how to balance and you know, this is something that this fucking mantra they keep saying has been coming up all this week. And this is why I love that you took this time for yourself. So I've been saying all this week. And this is not the first time I've said it like, but this is been playing on repeat, I belong to me, so I can belong to we. And what I love so much is like you took this time this week, to belong to yourself. So that way you can belong to other people, because then belonging to yourself first, you can belong to everybody else, because everybody else is everybody else's extension of you. And this is a huge, like, there's a lot of nuance packed into this small little phrase that I'm not going to unpack here. But basically, it's like you took time to understand yourself. So that way you can, you know, show up mindfully for other people. So I'm going to shut up and let you finish on the mindfulness exercises. But that was just to say, You're welcome. I have love for you and I have love for everybody, and I will give it all to you. And whatever way you need it.
Lady Charmaine:Well, I love you and your little Libra moon and my Aquarius moon feels all the feelings. So like it, the Aquarius runs right out of my eyes, all the time. So for me, a lot of it is meditation and breath work. And that is where and yoga, you know, and, and yoga, where I come back to my body and my movement and my breath and how it all works together, it pulls it all back to a center point where I am out of my head and truly just in my body. And I love to do yoga that is has no rhyme or reason or, or plan. It's just like my body wants to move this way. I could go from, you know, Child's pose to warrior two, and then go to who knows what camel, it doesn't matter. It's wherever my body wants to go. And wherever I'm going to feel that release. So moving, and allowing for me to become in sync with my breath, whether that's through movement, just sitting and concentrating on breath. Or, if I'm going to go through an entire meditation, a lot of times for me, it's grounding. Like I realized that I get so far in my head that I am not grounded. And so I do a lot of grounding meditations, or even my bath yesterday, I put Epsom salts in it and all that stuff so that I could use it as a grounding bath and really be intentional about that. So I've always taught other people, you know, the box breath, or you know, I say post it note breath because I do a lot of teaching to executives. And so it's really easy to just imagine that you have a post it note in front of you, or a box and you inhale for four. And imagine kind of your eye goes up one side up the left side, and then you hold for four across the top. You release for four down the right side, and you hold for four coming back across the bottom. And that's something that I do on a regular basis. Sometimes I have to do it in the grocery store line because people too many people and it drives me crazy. And I just have to like, sit and breathe. So that's one of the things that I do a lot of Do you want to talk about the the senses?
Mx Zephy:Yeah, actually, I was thinking about that because as you're talking about breath work, you're talking about like Epsom salts, the warm bath you were talking about things that are very physically senses of Like, oh, this is perfect actually. So leading with the breath and like, because I think breath is life, if the breath is basically life, it means prana in Sanskrit, like it goes by the name prana in Sanskrit and other things, right? Like it is, it's prana in Sanskrit. I'm not crazy, right? You're not crazy. Okay, just checking.
Lady Charmaine:words, not in this.
Mx Zephy:Um, but I was thinking like, because you're thinking about like, breath, like a lot of breath work is being is being aware of the breath traveling in your body, the breath traveling out of your body, like it's being aware of all of that. And so it's kind of a good gateway into, for me how I practice mindfulness and being aware and being present is through my senses. So this might be if you're if you're partnered with somebody, maybe your partner wears a, you know, a nice cologne or nice perfume or something, and you cuddle in bed with them, and you just take a moment to savor that scent. I'm a scent person. So I love just like, if especially when that scent matches that person's like body chemistry so perfectly, and you just get enveloped in it, then you can get wrapped in that and then notice, and when you do that, really savor that scent. And notice the sensations that come up, like are you feeling love? Are you feeling comfort? Are you feeling security? Because that's the other piece of this, like,
Lady Charmaine:Are you feeling tingles?
Mx Zephy:I mean, yeah, you might even be aroused. Like, I mean, it's a thing. Um, but that's the thing is like naming and labeling those emotions that come up. So the first part is to, like, choose a sense, um, in this instance, it's it's smell, and then also name those emotions that come up, label them, and then also, you know, match that to that sensation that's coming in your body. So that's one that you can do. Also, maybe one thing I like to do is like mindful eating, so paying attention to what you eat, what's the texture of the food that is what you're eating? What are the flavor? What are the what's the word? I'm looking for the flavor profile, I guess, even though that sounds like I'm talking about serial killers, but I'm not like the flavor profile. But I mean, you're murdering food. So whatever, like, let's go with it. All right. So like noticing that the texture noticing the flavor profile, noticing the smell, maybe it's something where you're eating blue cheese, and it's got that very, like that pungent odor to it. Um, yeah, man, or Yeah, just noticing that. I'm noticing Is it hot? Is it cold and just really, like, really grounding into what are you eating right here in this present moment? And, Oh, damn it and see this is also going to get me okay. You know, I'm gonna like, not go get tingles. You know, I'm thinking of like, there's another piece that's coming after this, it's already coming in my head. Another one too, is like, I have a really favorite, I have a favorite sweater of mine that I pulled down. And it's so soft and comfy. It's really like plush. And I like to cuddle the fuck out of that sweater sometimes, because it's so soft. It's, it just brings me a lot of joy and a lot of pressure plab lab that had the pleasure. Let me get that lisp out of the way. Another one twos when I get in the shower, I'm feeling the pressure of the water coming down and feeling like, does this? Is this pressure pleasurable? To me? Is this pressure, something that's causing some pain? Do I need to turn the volume of it down? Is it too hot? Is it too cold and really just paying attention to what happens with that, it's like thinking about stopping to smell the roses. It's this old adage of like taking a break and pausing. That's exactly what you're doing is you're stopping to just savor the moment that you're in. And getting aware of that. And then the other piece of this that I was thinking about, like here is like is that that and that leads you into practicing gratitude too, because then you can notice that this is bringing you pleasure This is bringing you awareness of this moment and then you can just say you know what, thank you universe or source or God or God x or creatrix however you want to like imagine or language on that higher power thing. You know what, thank you for letting me experience this because these are, I think that's what mindfulness and awareness comes down is to these little moments, these little experiences that you get to enjoy. And it may even be it may even be enjoyment in the sense that it also causes pain because think you can also enjoy pain sometimes. And I'm not talking BDSM i'm not i'm talking in like the lesson that comes from learning what that experience taught you. But that's a whole other topic. So we're not going to go down there.
Lady Charmaine:No shame if you are into BDSM
Mx Zephy:Yeah, no kink shaming here.
Lady Charmaine:No kink shaming.
Mx Zephy:I love a good spanking. Hey, man.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, I was gonna say like one of the craziest things that you know, I had, I had long hair, all of my life. All of my life. My hair was down to the middle of my back. And last May, I shaved my head. Just because I realized that was this huge thing that I feared. And I was like, What am I doing? Let's just shave it. I remember so distinctly that first shower after I shaved my head. Oh my god. It was darn near orgasmic because when you have so much hair, you don't feel the water the way it feels on just like your scalp. It was a whole new ballgame. I was like what it and this is why boys are in the shower for 3045 minutes this right here cuz I know
Mx Zephy:there's other reasons why boys in the shower for 30 to 45 minutes just an FYI. That's just one that's just one of maybe two reasons just just to clarify for people.
Lady Charmaine:Okay, okay, well,
Mx Zephy:Babies down the drain
Lady Charmaine:Oh God, um, but I could have stood just in one spot for a half hour like it felt so good. I didn't know what to do with myself. I mean maybe I that now maybe I should I know better by her shaved my head completely again I know better. But it was just those small moments like you just I never thought in my life like a shower is the shower and I'm I take quick showers I'm like in outlets get this shit done. But that first shower like I still remember it like the first time that hot water hit my scalp. I was like, Holy hell. What is this amazing thing happening to me right now? But I was fully present. I was fully there. Oh, I'm having coffee delivered. Look at that. Thank you.
Mx Zephy:Well, that's a special I want coffee. Hey, IG Daddy. I need coffee.
Lady Charmaine:Ah, see? I got a daddy that lives right in my house. So works out for me. Oh, look at that. Huh? Better now everyone's gonna know my order. butter cookie bread a with three shots of espresso.
Mx Zephy:Three shots of espresso. Are you planning on not sleeping until the middle of next year?
Lady Charmaine:Oh, this is just gonna get me through till noon.
Mx Zephy:Goodness.
Lady Charmaine:I don't drink alcohol anymore. But I may have a coffee addiction. Not even soda. I don't drink soda. But caffeine in the form of coffee. Oh, baby.
Mx Zephy:Hmm. So that's where we were at. Because I think we went down. Like,
Lady Charmaine:I just went down a track I went outside for I was talking with this coffee right here.
Mx Zephy:Ah, there we go. So we're talking about practices and being present. And we're talking about breath work is one big one, the five senses are another. And there's a great because I think those those are the ones where you can do like, they're basically connecting yourself with your body. Like, you can also do yoga, you can also exercise like you talked on some of these. But I think so now that we have those, the next point is to make it a habit. Because they're just, they're really just things you do until you really just get into a regular habit or regular practice of making it a thing. And it's going to take some time, I think it's what 21 days before a practice becomes a habit and a regular part. Um, and so you know, and this and this. And the reason why I say this is because we might feel, oh, well, I fucked it up. So I can't, I can't continue this or I failed, or I'm not successful. I'm like, if you took one day just to be if you took even just a second, to check in with yourself and say, let me cultivate this awareness, you've succeeded in my book, and just, you know, be easy with yourself, build that habit as you can, because it's gonna take some time, because these are techniques and they may feel scary at first, they may feel like, they may feel very uncomfortable, like, oh, why am I doing this? What is this going to give me because you may not even notice results right away, I would challenge that you will actually notice results right away when you start like building this. Um, but I think that's the thing is like, if you realize that you're not doing it so great, it's that it's because then when you realize that you're not doing so great, that's beautiful, because then you realize that you're being aware that it's not so great. You you've realized that there are some benefits here. And then so you need to I feel like you need to bring yourself back into this practice. Without that negative self talk. And without that judgment of Oh, I failed, or I'm stupid or doubted that at all. And that's that key of mindfulness is doing it with self love and self care and not having judgments when you can't show up for yourself.
Lady Charmaine:Right. I think that's, you know, a big thing, you know, in any aspect of our lives is, you know, we have one off day and it's like, Oh, there goes, there goes my whole gym routine and there goes eating healthier, there goes this but it's like it's one day and you get to choose what you do the next day and there's nothing wrong with taking a day to mess that one up. Gonna Be mindful and do better later today, or you crave so you could go out and have whatever fast food for breakfast, and then be like, you know what, I'm gonna do better for myself and you make it too A more mindful decision for your next meal. One, one hiccup or one, one pause doesn't take you off track. So don't let your mind play that game with you. Don't let your mind tell you that that's gotten you off track. Because when one day, is it anything, you are the one who allows one day to turn into one week to turn into one month of not hitting the gym. You know, you can always choose to do better. Yeah,
Mx Zephy:tell them hoes that they fucked up, tell them. And
Lady Charmaine:I do it all the time. I mean, I, I mean, granted, I haven't fallen off the drinking wagon, I am still 100% sober. But I mean, working out. There days, I started lifting weights again. And I took a day or two off because I was like holy shit, my, my shoulders are sore, I can't get my bra on. Life sucks. I don't want to do this. And so I did other things, I did yoga, and then I am going to get back to it like, there's just, it's just, I get to make that choice. If I want to do it, then I'm going to do it. And I can continue to make it a habit. Even if that habit isn't every single day, doesn't mean it isn't part of my regular routine.
Mx Zephy:So basically, what we're saying is that this habit of mindfulness is essentially self care, like this mindfulness habit of like presence, and everything is basically self care. And the thing that I'm thinking about now, actually, because you're talking about this with the post it and the box breath. And right now all of this feels something very personal. It's something that you do for yourself, and you do it in the privacy of your own home, it's something that you don't really share out with others. And I want us to like expand out because I don't feel that that is true, I feel that there are ways where we can take it from, from our very personal spaces to something that's more externally focused like one taking it to work like these are practices you can easily do at work especially like now when most of us are working remote anyways. This when you're getting stuck into like the doldrums and the monotony of work, you can always like challenge yourself to take a moment to check in with yourself at work. Instead of like checking your phone or grabbing a snack snack, when you're doing the break. Just do a quickly Close your eyes and do a body scan or something. See, you know, do a little bit of like seated stretches, do some breath work, outside, take a walk, these are the other ways that you can do it. Like these are the ways where you can do it. And it because I think that's the thing is like, we don't feel like we can take it to work because it feels awkward, like, Oh, I'm gonna be that weird person who's doing these things. And it's like, how can we break that cycle of feeling like our workspaces can also be our mindfulness spaces.
Lady Charmaine:So before, before I started working for myself, and during contract work, I did work in an office, and I was that weird person, I had a yoga mat in my office, and I would stretch and I would do yoga at lunch. And there are times where people would walk past my window, and I would just be like laying on the floor and Shavasana and no fucks were given. I mean, I didn't give any I was doing it for me, my lunchtime is my time, right? So I did or I would walk across the street, there was a park across the street, I would take a blanket, go across the street, sit with my shoes off with my feet in the grass during my lunch. Because those were all things that helped me be mindful and to stay grounded, and that I could come back and focus and be you know, more in the, in what I needed to be doing in my office because I had taken that time to check out a little bit. And by checking out I was really just checking in with myself checking out of the noise and checking into myself. Take that, boom.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, and I think this you know, and so now I'm thinking also like, because this, again, like taking it from the internal making an external is I'm thinking about the ways in which we can make this something where we bring in our friends, our loved ones or neighbors our companions our comrades or co conspirators or allies, whatever the fuck you want to call the people in your life, your inner circle, outer circle, the random person you stop and see on the subway or in the grocery store, like how do we bring them into this like I'm thinking of ways in that like you can build this in your relationships because when you start doing this mindfulness practice with yourself, I think that's when you start to cultivate this awareness that again that I belong to me so I belong to we shit like and so it's it's it's gently spreading this this self love self compassion this this idea So that we can take care of ourselves so we can take care of others as well. So how can we do that? And I think, instead of like, I think, I believe that we're a culture that kind of spend so much fucking time on our phones, mindfully, like Doom, scrolling through Facebook, Doom scrolling through Instagram, and we're not taking time to like, scroll through each other's lives. And so I think with this mindfulness, maybe, maybe the way to do this is by intentionally setting not even intentionally setting a time because intentionally means that you you're like, you're making this. It's almost like a pre thought. But I'm just thinking, how can you make this a habit of practice of maybe going outside and taking a walk together, cooking a meal together, playing a board game together? Hell, if y'all are like this active like Instagram, like, couple that fucking does? I don't know yoga online, and you'll do acro yoga or some other shit. Like, Can y'all do a partner workout? Can you like, what are the ways that you can really like, because when we when we're talking about mindfulness, and we're talking about this idea of presence, it's really about spending time with yourself. It's really about relaxing into your body and relaxing into who you are as a person and relaxing in that relationship you have with yourself? And so how can you take ownership of that relaxation with a partner or with your loved ones or with your comrades, your community? However, the fuck you identify the people that are close to you in your life? How can you share that moment with them? What are the ways you can cultivate that? So maybe it's, again, going back to what we were talking about, like with everything we've done with misfits about checking in with ourselves in our awareness, and you know, how we show up in the world? How can we extend that out to think about how we can have other people's show how we can other also show up for other people in their needs? Because maybe they don't want to do a board game, but maybe they want to go on a hike. So can you do that? And just thinking, I suppose I guess it just comes out, Mercury Retrograde, having a fucking communication and being clear on what y'all need, and what you how y'all want to spend time together. That was a weird ramble.
Lady Charmaine:If anyone wants to hike, I suggest you take Zeph and go for an adventure. You'd never know what you're going to end up,
Mx Zephy:you might end up on the side of the damn mountain or the side of a cliff somewhere.
Lady Charmaine:Ah, yeah, I mean, and really, you think about how that comes out. Now, if you are doing that with a sexual partner, you're, you're really you're starting to dabble into the side of Tantra. And, and, you know, eye gazing and breathing together and all the things that can go into there. Now, obviously, that works in that realm. I think a big part of working with my own children is always being there to validate their feelings. And, and let them be very honest with that, and to work through that. And, and I have taught breathwork, to my children, as well. So that, when they are having big emotions, they know that they can take a step away, go find some space, do some breathing, work on what they need for their bodies to regulate. So I have one child who is definitely like, like a biter. And I say that in, like, well, by the color of a shirt, kind of a thing, like, almost like a nervous activity when, when they get in their feelings a little bit. And so we talk about that. And it's like, you know, what, what is going on it that is bringing that up in you and what how can we move into a new space of awareness? You know, what, what comfort does it bring you to, to bite your shirt, and then let's figure out what we can do differently. And so we are very open and honest in that and allow them to play it works for them. You know, I'm always very clear that I'm not perfect, nobody's perfect. You know, we're all working to find our own way. And so they get to find their way as well. And I think for our community, it really goes into not just showing up but really actively listening. Because while some people might be over shares, there are always going to be people out there that are very timid in the way that they show up. And I think that as we work with people mindfully if we catch those, those I was gonna say that energy because I feel it from people and maybe not everybody has that. I feel it from people and then that's when I open And I become a little more vulnerable to like, show them that it's a safe space to be vulnerable in turn, and then, and then taking a step back and allowing them to go further. So there's definitely ways that we can be present with others. That is helpful.
Mx Zephy:So two things I heard from you on this just so we can, because I'm that person who likes to distill things and make fucking lists just because lists make things easier to see, in my opinion. Two things I heard from that is one is embracing play. Actually, no, let me take a step back. But think the big thing, the overarching thing I heard from you was creating moments, um, especially when we're more engaged with other people and this mindfulness activity, the big thing I heard from you, and I think I, you know, I think in the ways that I was saying it to a little bit, is creating moments. So creating a space creating container, creating a place where you and the other person can meet in equity, and creating that, just creating that moment, and then the ways and then once that container is created, there's a couple things I heard of ways in which you can fill that container with things is one is like embracing your playful side. So you talked a lot about playing games, or even just having conversations or board games, things like that. So there's that embracing the play. And one thing that you and I just have been, we always do is we fucking laugh a lot. We Hello, how much is left to relieve tension and improve our mood.
Lady Charmaine:Oh, my gosh, honestly, our laughter session under the stars as part of what got me through this week, like I was thinking back and I'm like, you know, what you need people in your life that you can lay in the back of pickup trucks under the stars and almost pee your pants with. Those are the kind of people you keep in your life. That was fun.
Mx Zephy:So yeah, I just I love that. And I'm glad that that was actually really helpful for you. And I'm glad that that is the moment that we created that you can reflect back on, that means I'm not gonna cry, I promise I'm not crying on a Saturday like I am, I'm not all cried out, but I cry a lot. And I want to cry
Unknown:a lot, too. Oh, God.
Mx Zephy:Which so and I think also, this is just actually an exercise in active listening or empathic listening. Because how many of us actually practice active listening, because I feel like our conversations, you know, and I see so many people talk about this, too, how many of our conversations are one where it's like, I'm gonna express everything I'm going to need, you're gonna express everything you need. And it feels like it's like this branded marketing strategy where you're just talking at with at one another versus with each other. And so how do we move into this space of like empathic listening, where we're making eye contact with somebody, we're really seeing them here. we're witnessing them in this moment, this present moment, we're seeing them as they are right here right now with no attachment to the past? no expectations of the future? How can you really just witness them right here right now? How can you ask them questions and say, how was your day? Oh, can you tell me more about what that feels like? For you? Can you share a little bit more about Hey, what's what's coming up for you right now that thing where you're talking with your kid about biting the shirt? and asking them what are the emotions that are rising up that that's that thing is asking questions, letting people know that you're listening and that you're paying attention? And then the third one is like you could you actually validate in your in saying, well, that emotion sucks. So you know, fuck what you heard, like, we're gonna just push that aside, he was saying, You know what, I honor that feeling that showing up, I see that this might be difficult for you, I see that this might be a challenge. How can we do this different? What are the ways in which I can support and affirm you? And then it's not only saying, hey, I want to do this for you, you're making your again, you're creating that moment where you're creating this space where they can say, Oh, I feel comfortable saying that what I need from this is just the here. Have you listened to me? Because it's saying that, oh, I care for you. I have compassion. I'm extending a piece of me so that you can show up for yourself. I think that's what I've got.
Lady Charmaine:Blessed be. And so it is. as above so below, what else did
Mx Zephy:Right? Ah, so yeah, I think. And I think too, because, and you know, what I'm feeling right now. So I think these are great tools. So I think we've talked a lot about what presence is, what are some tips and tricks for, you know, showing presence, and you know, being in the moment. And then we talked a little bit about what are these practices where we can take it from the internal, the external, and I think we're in that process of wrapping up because I think that what I'm feeling from all of this and what this does step by step processes is I'm feeling a lot of appreciation and gratitude that you've shown up in this moment with me to share your time your energy and expertise on this and, and look, expertise means things differently. Like you don't need a fucking college degree to be an expert at anything your lived experience is just as valid. So I'm feeling a lot of appreciation for you bringing your whole self into this conversation because I think this is I think this is where the end of like mindfulness and being aware and being present is having appreciation for this moment that was created. Because mindfulness again is creating moments of self care is creating moments of self awareness. So that way you can show up as the fullest authentic expression of yourself and how that higher self is showing, and making sure that each moment in your life has meaning. Because otherwise you're just going through the motions, and how is that fulfilling the purpose that you were called forth to do? How is that showing up? As you were called here to do X, Y, and Z thing? If it has no meaning? What What is happening? And can you notice what that importance is? Because every moment has importance? And how can we make the most of every one of these moments and making the most not only for yourself, but making the most of the people in your life making you making the most for people you might pass on the street. And that mindfulness moment might even just be surrendering your ego and just giving them a smile or giving them a wave or saying hell, rather than having anxiety, o, well, this person think I'm nu s for smiling at them. Or, y u know, or getting caught up n the moment of Oh, well, I smil d at some person just one time a d then invited in this terrib e traumatic experience. How c n you release that... How can y u release the anxieties of the p st and the trauma of the past a d release the expectations of w at might happen and just you k ow, I'm going to experience y u right here because I have l ve and compassion for y urself. I have love and c mpassion for me. Let's make s re that we enjoy the fullest m ment right here, right now. et's let's improve the quality f our life. And let's feel ptimistic. Let's feel hopeful. et's feel compassionate, so hat we can be prepared to face hatever life has to throw at s. Sorry, and that was just a ot of things that just came out ompletely unbiden.
Lady Charmaine:That was fantastic. I don't think we have much more from there. But on that note of gratitude, we want to thank all of you who have showed up to listen to Misfit Mondays from the beginning, even if you weren't here from the beginning. We appreciate you and the time that you've taken to spend with us. We are going to be taking one week off to realign and get prepared for season two. And so yep, we are the Misfits that make Season Two start in March. This is this is us. We have a great lineup of individuals coming on in season two to talk more about a lot of things. presence and Shadow Work and imposter syndrome. Oh my. We've got a lot coming up. But just we are so thankful for everyone who takes time to listen to us and with us know that you can reach out to us anytime at Misfit Mondays on Instagram or Facebook. Email us at notyourgurusnamaste@gmail.com. And we're happy to answer your questions. Or if you have anything burning that you would love us to talk about, send us that there's anyone that you think we should have on our show, send us that or just Send us hearts, Rainbows, unicorns, glitter, fireworks, anything you like. We'd love you. You're on mute.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, I was on mute. I was just gonna say thank you and we will see y'all in two weeks. I appreciate each and every one of y'all for showing up for us and with us every week and I will make sure to have mute butt