Painting the Roses Red

Today, we meet people where they are at in their current life journey. We take a step off of our own path and ask how many times have we pushed our thoughts, expectations, beliefs, and opinions on someone else and caused harm because some dominating force said that is not the way things should be done?

We invite in curiosity. How can you rise to meet the raw honesty and vulnerability of someone's fullness of self this week, tomorrow, today, with compassionate acceptance?

Check out @thebodyisnotanapology on Insta!

Transcript

Mx Zephy: 0:00

Lady Charmaine, are you sure this Shadow Work is lightwork It looks questionable to me.

Lady Charmaine: 0:06

It's fine Mx Zephy.

Mx Zephy: 0:08

But what about toxic light work?

Lady Charmaine: 0:11

Ah, just grab a warm beverage and settle in.

Mx Zephy: 0:14

End scene! Just misfits

Lady Charmaine: 0:17

Hello beautiful misfits! Are you fed up with the good vibes only crowd?

Mx Zephy: 0:22

People telling you where to go and how to be present?

Lady Charmaine: 0:25

Afraid to make your own choices and free to be you?

Mx Zephy: 0:29

Feeling just trapped?

Lady Charmaine: 0:32

Us too! Join us as we turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows right now with Misfit Mondays.

Mx Zephy: 0:48

Hello beautiful misfits. It's Mx Zephy yet again, pronouns are xe | xe and as always, is the wonderful lady Charmaine pronouns she | hers. Today we meet people where they're at in their current life journey. We take a step off our own path and ask, how many times have we pushed our thoughts, expectations, beliefs, and/or opinions on someone else and caused harm because someone said, that is not the way things should be done. We do them this way. And then we're like, Yeah, fuck the harm that's caused, like what really come on, Sis, like, let's not. And this right now is the concluding chapter of a trilogy of episodes, that asks us to reflect on the Platinum rule of treating people the way they want to be treated, not the way that you want to be treated. So how can we seed empathy, germinate compassion, and blossom meaningful relations with ourselves and others?

Lady Charmaine: 1:40

Ohhh baaaabby

Mx Zephy: 1:43

yeah, it's another big one.

Lady Charmaine: 1:45

Okay, so I love this love this love this because, one, I'm a total Disney fan. And if you didn't watch Alice in Wonderland growing up, you go rent that shit. It is phenomenal. And if you know this scene, you know where all the roses are white. And they are going to paint the roses red. Yeah, just like us putting on our masks and doing our thing. And they dread the consequences if they're not painted, because the Queen wants them red. And Oh, God. It's a mess. It really is. I don't know any of this. But the question that is raised is how many times have we put our thoughts, expectations, beliefs and opinions on someone caused harm because of some dominating force, what what are we doing? Like, why are we going through this? And why do we think that things have to be done the same way they've always been done? Or even if we have a habit what made it a habit? And why do we think that it needs to continue to be done the same way it's always been done. Oh, okay. So when we get into this, the best way to not paint the roses red is with language. And we talked a little bit last week about how Misfit Mondays needs a kind of our own language, lexicon, or glossary, because we throw out a lot of terms and a lot of things that, you know, we're smart people, I mean, we're not going to, you know, let our light go dim. And we just throw out the words that work for us. But we realized that that doesn't always work for everyone. And so we're being cognizant of that. But choosing a language that matches the vibration, energy mood and the needs of other people is really the easiest way to not paint those roses red and to level set the ground and the space where you want to show up together. And you invite in the possibility in that relationship, and you add this amazing vibrancy and different hues of color that are now possibilities and potential realities in that relationship where before you may have completely blocked that off at the past. And so as we're talking about choosing language intentionally, to honor the journey of another person, how do we find out how they want to be treated? And then let's take a moment to figure out how we can communicate that and keep the roses pure and white and not paint them red. What do you know Zeph?

Mx Zephy: 4:57

And not kill them either because I think that's the Other thing too, is like when you painted them red, like you're suffocating them. Like when you're when you're putting these, like when you're putting this color this, this thing that somebody wants you to put on there, you know, let's call this thing like, you know, the the white patriarchy, the white white supremacy you know cis hetero, hetero, the white straight people without the white straight men, let's call that like, that's kind of what the red color is, is like we're putting all these thoughts and beliefs on this thing that could be beautiful in its own right. But we've decided it's not. And I think that's I think the thing here is like, that's what our culture tells us is that you have to be this very certain way. Anything that's outside that box isn't beautiful, it isn't valid. And it's that it's like that, it's that, again, it's power and privilege, we talk a lot about power and privilege. I think that's something also that we need to unpack is like, what power and privilege looks like, I think for us being like in the social justice work for as long as we have been, those are just things that we just talked about, because we just were like, yeah, we have it, we have a nuanced understanding of them without pausing to think that, Oh, we've got about 15 years worth of like conversations that are like popping up here. And so like, maybe we need to unpack this for people. But anyways, so these people like Charmaine, and people, like myself are really like, pioneering these new spaces for identity to be expressed on that are changing the narratives in new ways everyday, like, if y'all haven't seen me on, you know, Instagram or anywhere else, like I have about as gender unbound, well, I think I'm now calling myself gender free. Um, because I kind of exist outside that male, female binary of, oh, you have to, you know, you have to be male and wear suits and ties, and it will fuck all that, no, I want to wear my heels and I'm going to not shave my legs because that's just me. Like, I'm going to do that. But I think that is that's, you know, that gender narrative that gender binary is one of those biggest and easiest ways for us to talk about this. Um, because, you know, and you, you were asking Charmaine, about how do we, you know, navigate and, you know, figure out what this language looks like, the easiest things is to fucking ask, like, you don't know, until you ask a lot of this, a lot of these things are new to people, they're not new to me, they're not new to like indigenous communities who have been, you know, who use two spirit, you know, and that's a that's a term that's gone back generations, and trans people and gender non conforming people have always been here, we just never really had the language to match it and language that's really affirming of their journey. And I think that painting the back of that painting, the roses red kind of allegory, you just kind of have to ask you don't don't put your assumption that that person because that person looks like they're in a male body that that person identifies as a male, they might be feminine, they might be masculine. For me, I don't see gender as a male, female kind of thing. I see it as a masculine and feminine feminine energy. I mean, Charmaine, probably you'll, you'll know this, like I coast, which like a motherfucker, like in between masculine energy all day, every day, like, there's a definite shift that happens in my body, when I'm moving from like, being a little bit more like, in control and dominating of my space in my body versus that femme energy, like, nurturing and things like that. And yeah, I knew that kind of ventures off into that gender binary of male versus female. But I think that the difference here is that we can be both and neither at the same time, which is kind of where my gender looks. And I know that this is probably like a big like, Oh, god, my head is exploding. This is a lot. This is big. And I honor that because it is big. But for me, it's gender is just this big, like melting pot of masculine and feminine energy. And sometimes that masc energies a little bit bigger, sometimes that femme energy is and it just depends on that day, maybe one day, I'm going to want to, you know, put on a whole face full of makeup and wear quote unquote boy clothes, you know, assigned male at birth clothes. Yeah, I don't know. But yeah, for me genders like this very, like, it's a very nuanced conversation. I mean, we don't and we'll have a big episode on gender. But I think that I think that having this conversation on that the easiest way to have this conversation is to ask people, what are your pronouns? pronouns are that big thing because that tells a lot about how that person, you know, shows up in the world and sees themself and it's honoring it. Know, you don't just sit here and say, well, you look like you were quote, unquote, male. So I'm going to call you a he, you do that I'm going to close you out. 100% because I'm not a he. I just am not my pronouns are xe| xem because of the way that I see gender and the way that I move in the world. And while I'm okay, I won't really cost you out. Honestly, I will say, hey, look, gender, you know, gentle reminder, like, that's not my gender. But then there's also other ways that this shows up to. It's not gender, like, show me I think you can talk a little bit about other ways that this shows up, maybe, you know, being a woman in the Midwest, maybe there's ways that shows up there for you.

Lady Charmaine: 9:41

Oh, God. Well, before we go there, I was gonna, you know, we're talking about, you know, asking asking the questions, right. It's okay to ask someone what their pronouns are. At any time, that's fine. Thank you. You know what else is okay? It's okay if you fuck it up a few times in the beginning, because if you're not used to it, but you're trying is just recently that we were having a conversation. And I said he in the conversation because I was just talking data, data, data data. And I immediately stopped myself. And I was like, I am so sorry. That was the wrong pronoun. I messed it up. And I messed it up good. However, that's

Mx Zephy: 10:36

We laughed about it too though.

Lady Charmaine: 10:37

We did. But we laughed about it. Because, one, we have a relationship. And you know, my intention is not ill. And then two, I was cognizant of it, it wasn't like it happened. And then I just ignored the fact that it happened. I was cognizant of it. And I said, Hey, sorry, that I fucked that up. And you gave me the grace to move on and continue the conversation. And I think so many people are were worried about making a mistake, that they would prefer not to try. And that is not the way to be. It is better to try and be conscious of your mistake, and ask for forgiveness. and move on. I can tell you, from all of the people I know, that use different pronouns than myself. Trying and attempting to do it is so much more validating the not attempting at all.

Mx Zephy: 11:52

And for me, like I think that when you fuck it up, and you say ohh and then you correct yourself. For me, it says that I see you, I recognize that I didn't honor how who you are as a person. And for me for like pronouns, like, I'm okay, like, fuck it up, fail forward, I'm okay with that. Because when you fail forward that offers me an opportunity to engage in a conversation with you and say, hey, let's talk about prenouns. Here's the way that we can do this. Because I think this is a small way that we can look at when we fuck other things up in life to not just pronouns when we fuck up big things. Maybe we get in an argument with somebody. And this allows us that permission to say, Oh, I fucked that up. Let me pause for a second. How can I How can I move into a space where you and I are meeting in the middle? Or I'm meeting you? Or I'm actually taking that extra step because I caused harm? How can I take the extra step to see what needs you need right now? Where can I meet you to see how you feel safe and comfortable here? And you know, when pronouns it's easy, because then we can say, oh, that extra step is you just saying Oh, fucked it up, changing that pronoun and then moving on. A lot of us just want you to move on acknowledge that you've made that you've done it because I think that the big piece of pronouns is that we don't get acknowledged as trans and gender non conforming people. People don't see us as that they try to say that, Oh, well, because you look quote unquote, male, you must be male, or you know, or if you look quote unquote, female, you must be female. Um, and it's not always the case. Like, that's not how gender operates biologically, genitalia, like genitalia, and like gender identity and sexual like, and sexual identity are two different things. Um, but like, it's, but I think too, it's like with the pronouns, there's a small way for you just to acknowledge that, oh, I've done something wrong. Let me correct it real quick. Um, yeah. And I think I think that's kind of where that pronoun piece is for me, because I will laugh about it. I don't mind correcting people. Now there's a long time where I wouldn't correct people because they felt like I was causing harm. And it took me a while to realize, and I think that was that piece of we Oh, like, I know that for a lot of, you know, trans and gender non conforming people. We don't feel seen a lot. So we often we feel obligated to correct people. And then we feel like it's not safe for us to correct people. And is this the space to do it. So we don't do it. And I think that's the other piece too, of like, when we when people step back to correct themselves and move forward. It says, Oh, I see you as a human, I recognize that you are that you are a person with very real feelings and very valid feelings and that you were someone just like me, because I think it creates that, that that thing that we are all one because I think you know, Charmaine and I both agree that we are all part of this larger whole. There is no, I mean, our differences are what make us more alike, in my opinion, I think that those are the things that also strengthened us in a lot of ways. They don't make it for something where there's a separation, because I think that where there's differences sometimes I might have, I might have a difference that will strengthen, um, something where we're not meeting where we're meeting in the gray area, if that makes sense. Um, but yeah, I think that's kind of where I'm at on pronouns. I feel like that went a little deeper than I was expecting. But yeah, I think it's because, again, back to like painting the roses red. This was about Just saying, you know, our culture teaches us that we have to be one way. But then there are people who are saying, but really why? Why? Taking a step back and questioning what that dominant narrative is? What is that that narrative that is seen as normal? and saying, does that fit for me? Does that work for me? And if it doesn't, that's okay. But also recognizing that if it doesn't fit for somebody taking a step back and saying, okay, cool, it doesn't fit for you, what fits for you? And how do we make space for you. And again, that's that Platinum rule of treating people how they want to be treated, it's not hard to ask somebody their pronouns, and then just, you know, follow those pronouns the words. And if you think that they them, it's difficult for you use them as a player all the time, do you know group people together, it's not that difficult. And I'm going to be a little sassy and little irritated about it. Because that is the that is the one piece of this whole conversation that I don't ever understand is why they then this so hard, and so complicated, it frustrates me to no end. Because it's like, you can use it as like, as a group thing, but you can't apply it to a singular person, like, what's the difference? And also, like, you call, you know, you don't call your mom by her, you know, her birth name, you call her mom, you call other you call your teachers and professors by other names to? Why is it so hard to take a step back and say, Oh, your name changed to like, and these are your pronouns, and the like, these are the identities that people are carrying. So how can you step up to recognize it and say, you know, this is not about me, this is about you. Cool. Let's meet. Let's do this.

Lady Charmaine: 16:26

Um,

Mx Zephy: 16:28

a lot. I don't know if there's anything you want to add, I think I've talked Oh,

Lady Charmaine: 16:31

no, I think that that's great. Because it's true, and it but what you said, it's true. And the fact that children can figure this out easier than adults, you know, has something to say, you know, people are just being stubborn and bullheaded a lot of the time. And, you know, well, you do you just do it not in my space is all I ask, you know. but if we're going to continue to grow, all of us, you know, everyone the next generation, gender, sexuality, it's all with the potential reality of fluidity, and that there is a sacredness in it that because it allows you to show up authentically and create a full spectrum of consciousness, which is what we're trying to build here, you know, we would need a collective consciousness that has love and compassion and empathy. That's why we do the work that we do. And, you know, part of that, as we've talked, you know, Shadow Work, letting go of the aspects of ego, that are not serving us not in alignment with the work that we're trying to do, as well as not harming others. And Hmm,

Mx Zephy: 18:28

I feel like that's like the close. I feel like there's like nothing really more to be said here.

Lady Charmaine: 18:33

Yeah. Well, that you got a little more because we've got some stuff about pronouns in the news.

Mx Zephy: 18:41

Yeah, and that's kind of the reason why we did this episode this way, like, talking about, like, putting expectations and beliefs and like, you know, putting your expectations and your understandings of the way you will on the world. And not just one people but like, imposing them on people and expecting them to rise to meet that. And the reason why we kind of did this episode kind of like this was, you know, Elliott page came out as trans. Their pronouns are he and they, and Elliott kind of expressed, you know, how remarkable it felt to finally and I'm, I'm already starting to get a little emotional because this is kind of how it was for me. Um, but Elliott will express how remarkable it felt to find the love who I am enough to pursue my authentic self and individual. And then like, and then like on Twitter and social there's an individual who identifies as a lesbian who got into this TERF for like turf as in like trans exclusionary radical feminist. That's a whole other like, unpacking that I don't have time for today, but look it up like JK Rowling is like the biggest turf I can think of right now. Um, but this this, this was a this person who identifies as lesbian not only dead named Elliot, which is using the name they're assigned at birth, but also, you know, said and I quote, my heart breaks also breaks as the lesbian community as the lesbian community grows smaller again. And loses a role model again. And that was like a knife wound, because that person took it upon themselves to diminish the power that Elliott had in saying, This is me. This is my authenticity. And it was not even that it was, you know, Elliott used that platform to to say, Hey, this is there's some transphobic violence that's happening. There's these policies that are happening, that are causing very real harm, used this platform not only to express themself as they are, but also to raise up those people who, you know, aren't necessarily white and who may be in you know, in more danger and in more in just Yeah, just more opportunities for violence. And then Sonya, Rene Taylor, let me tell you what, what's the goddess that son that Sonya is countered with this thing that just, you know, it hits me in my chest so bad? Well, not so bad. So good. Actually, it hits me like really deep in the feels there. So Sonya said, The deeply embedded scarcity mindset living in this is heartbreaking. No one loses anything, when anyone decides to be the fullness of themselves. No one loses anything. Do you hear that? No one loses anything. And I'm gonna say it again, no one loses anything when anyone decides to be the fullest, the fullness of themselves. So I really want to close this episode out with this question. How can you rise to meet the raw honesty and vulnerability of someone's fullness of self this week, tomorrow today, with compassionate acceptance. So again, how can you rise to meet the raw honesty and vulnerability of someone's fullness of self this week,-today, tomorrow, whenever make time for it, how can you do that with compassionate acceptance? Thank you beautiful misfits, for listening to us this week. I wholly appreciate you. Thank you for holding space for me to share a little bit about my journey with gender. It's something I don't get an opportunity to often talk about. So I really appreciate you tuning in and you listening and we will catch you on right here next week.

Lady Charmaine: 21:59

Bye.

Mx Zephy: 22:04

Thank you for spending time with us on this week's isfit Mondays. If you love what ou hear, subscribe to new pisodes and drop a review or connect with us on Patreon and Instagram. We're looking forward to catching you right here, nex week. Thanks, folks