Misfit Mondays
Misfit Mondays
Fuck Perfect
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Today, we learn that you don't have all the answers, and that's okay. Others may have more experience than you, but, trust, they don't have it all figured out either. This is the concluding chapter of a trilogy of episodes that ask us to fuck convention. Step back from the way things have always been done and find a new path that allows you to discover your authenticity.
Lady Charmaine, are you sure this Shadow Work is light work? It looks questionable to me.
Lady Charmaine:It's fine Mx Zephy.
Mx Zephy:But what about toxic light work?
Lady Charmaine:Uggh, just grab a warm beverage and settle in.
Mx Zephy:End scene! Just misfits!
Lady Charmaine:Hello beautiful misfits! Are you fed up with the good vibes only crowd?
Mx Zephy:People telling you where to go and how to be present?
Lady Charmaine:Afraid to make your own choices and for you to be you?
Mx Zephy:Feeling just trapped?
Lady Charmaine:Us too. Join us as we turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows right now with Misfit Mondays.
Mx Zephy:Hello beautiful people! Mx Zephy here pronouns xe | xem and with me yet again, is Lady Charmaine pronoun she | hers. So today, we learned that you don't have to have all the answers. Shocker, right? That's also a o fucking K, or others may have more experienced than you. But trust me, they also don't have it all figured out. And if they tell you that, they're a bunch of fucking liars. So this is the concluding chapter of a trilogy of episodes that asks us, this is a lot of S's in this by the way, that asks us to fuck convention. Step back from the way things have always been done and finding new paths that allows you to discover your authenticity. So we opened up this trilogy, talking about ego and what ego is and how it's a survival mechanism, but also how it kind of gets us in trouble, sometimes if we let it control us, then we stepped into looking at limited beliefs and saying fuck limiting beliefs, you know, all these things that we tell ourselves that we can't do, maybe we actually can if we decide to just try and figure out whether or not this aligns with what our soul purpose is. So today, we say fuck perfectionism. And I want you to repeat this mantra over and over and over and over again until it feels comfortable, until it feels about as normal as brushing your teeth in the morning, or putting on clothes. Fuck, perfectionism, You really can't scrub away all those unquote, quote unquote, like dirty things about yourself and gird yourself in new armor on the daily Well, you can but they're not gonna really be all that helpful. Realize this is your ego talking. Perfectionism is the egos resting bitchface there his thing is no one has a spiritual evolution thing figured out. Charmaine doesn't have it figured out. If she does. She's a liar.
Lady Charmaine:I am a liar. a liar. I'm not a liar. I don't have it fucking figured out. That's why I don't buy into you know, Guru mentality. They don't have, nobody's got it figured out. Nobody's got it figured out.
Mx Zephy:Right and like and I don't either. And you know that and I think we're all looking for that like Buddha under the Bodhi. It's a Bodhi tree Bodhi tree. I can never pronounce this. And Bodhi tree, like that. Bodhi tree.
Lady Charmaine:Bodhi tree.
Mx Zephy:Okay, Bodhi tree. Okay, I was right the first time. So Buddha under the Bodhi tree. It's unrealistic. Spiritual wokeness is this lifelong journey. It's not the destination. It's packages, like, you arrive at the station and you're done. Like, whoo, Nirvana. Yeah, no, that's not really it. So, we're not always gonna be joy and peace and positivity, love and light thing. Um, that's okay. Don't get me wrong, but also anger, jealousy, despair, sadness, those feelings are just as valid and just as real, and they don't make you less spiritually awakened because you experienced them. It's how you welcome them that's making all the difference in it. And that's kind of what the heart of like fuck perfectionism is. I know, they got kind of deep, real quick.
Lady Charmaine:Well, that's exactly what it is. Because no one has it all figured out. And, you know, in everything that we've been talking about, with ego and limiting beliefs, and, and all of this, you we, we trap ourselves with these things. And this idea that we need to be perfect to even step forward. I mean, do we tell our kids that they need to know how to walk around the block the first time they take a step? No, we fucking don't. Because you don't have to be perfect to make movement forward. You can fall, you can fall and you can fail forward, do it, do it all damn day, because you're still going to eventually get to your goal. But you got to do the work. You got to do the work. That's, you know, really what it comes down to. And nobody is going to do the work the same way. You know. When we talked with Yogi Bryan, a few weeks back and he said, you know, he's just sharing his yoga practice. It's his yoga practice. Just like I share my yoga practice. I share my beliefs, I share my energy healing. It's not the same as someone else who might do Reiki or chakra clearing. They have their own rituals and guides they might call in, you know, certain herbs they might use to cleanse the space. We all have our own way of doing things. So your spiritual journey, your way of going about this process is your own. We just want you to know that you can do it without being perfect and that's perfectly fucking okay.
Mx Zephy:Right and it also like in your and your spiritual practice may not even be all those woowoo things that you know, that Charmaine and I talk about on a weekly basis, either your spiritual practice may just be personal development and figuring out like, how do you move in? How do you move in the world in a way where you're not causing harm to somebody else, and you're not causing harm to yourself. Maybe your spiritual practice is you just lean living in the world with empathy and with compassion, and showing up as the best version of yourself. That's a great spiritual practice. I think that's I think that's a spiritual practice that doesn't get talked about enough. And I think that's a spiritual practice that is just as valid. You don't have to do this woowoo stuff. Yeah, I know that Charmaine and I talked about this, and you know, and I love the woowoo, stuff like that. That is my bag. You know, sometimes I feel like I'm channeling through the episodes because I will go back and I'm like, I didn't, I don't remember talking about that. But like, but that's how I mean, my spiritual practice is even different from how Charmaine shows up I throw tarot cards and Oracle cards, like nobody's business. Like, I love those. That's how I that's how I understand the world. And I think that's the spiritual practice piece is spiritual practices is how it's not only how you move in the world, but it's how you understand the world and how you experience the world. Yeah.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah. And then, so we've got this idea of perfectionism. And when we get set into the, when we are in this mindset, that we need to be perfect, or manifesting these continued feelings of unworthiness and lack of deserving. And just, you know, we already telling ourselves that we're going to fail, or that we can't do something. Now, this shows up a little different for everyone in how they work through it, um,
Mx Zephy:*whispers* Shadow Work,
Lady Charmaine:*whispers* Shadow Work, do the Shadow Work.*whispers* Very true. But, you know, some people just completely cut themselves off. Like, they become so reserved, because they don't want to make a mistake around a certain group of people. I talked a little bit about that in our last episode. And and now, you know, I hate to say it, but I'm kind of an irreverent bitch a lot with everybody. I have a filter when I need a filter, mostly around you know, kids or people who are not within my close circle that I know I have the consent to say certain things. But really, now I am kind of a I'm half love light let me mother you and give you all my loving energy and half tough love drill sargeant, like, get your shit together, let's let's move. How can I help you? *laughs* So we have to combat and deal with this perfectionism in our own way. But first, we need to know how it's showing up and how it's making us feel.
Mx Zephy:Right? Well, I know for me, like, perfectionism shows up as being stupid detail oriented, you should see the way that we do *laughs* show notes. For Misfit Mondays, I literally have like four pages of things where I write out topics, and there's headings. And each heading is very specific. And then there's like, texts under the headings and there's like, lots of outline, sometimes it doesn't really show up like that. So the intention is I'm going to be as detailed oriented as possible, because I want this to be success. And I don't want to seem like a failure. I don't know. But that's also me not trusting my own voice, too. So I think there's that piece of like, that one, that Shadow Work of not trusting my voice, but also that shadow work piece of like, I'm trying to be perfect because I'm scared of failure. I think for me for a while. The reason why well, this is one of the reasons there's a lot of reasons why I strive for perfectionism. And I think that's true for a lot of people too. But one of the reasons why I strive for perfectionism so much is because for me, perfectionism was rooted in survival. If I wasn't perfect, I was literally going to die. And this is not me being dramatic, like, it was me being perfect to make sure that I could take care of my needs. Because no one else was going to take care of them for me. And it showed up like that. And it also ended also shows up, I'm, as much as I laugh and joke and talk on this and I'm pretty open about everything. I'm very reserved, and a lot of different ways. But I'm actually meeting people for the first time and actually even when I'm engaging in deep relationships with people, I'm typically very reserved about things. I don't really talk about my feelings, you know, in close relationships all that much. I actually talk about my feelings more on social media that I do with real people. And you know, I think one that's a little fucked up of me, you know, and I'm okay with that. Like, I'm okay with that, how that shows up. But also like, I think it's I but I think this is also keying in that piece of perfectionism is knowing what you do and not knowing it's being aware of what are your What are your triggers, what are your things that show up, and why and how you struggle for this ideal version of yourself. And it's not saying it's bad either. I'm not saying that being perfect is being that I think again, like going back to the ego, it's when you know, not only your ego controlling you, but when like this, this perfectionism is still rooted in your ego so it's a piece of that ego that's controlling how you show up. And so it's like taking that step back and going oh, this doesn't control me I control it. Let me let me think about this and think you know, back to Charmaine's point. I'm worthy. I'm deserving. This this is the things that make me feel good and I am valued because like not and I'm not even died because of it. I'm valued because I am me.
Lady Charmaine:Hmm. Now, you spoke of you're detail orientations, which are beautiful ministrations, I'm telling you what. I have never. I thought I was an organized person until I started working with you, I was like, holy, and what people might not know, about Mx Zephy and myself is that we are also both Sagittarius. And this plays a little bit into how our energy works together, because we are, you know, kind of blunt about things. *cackles* A year. we're a little blunt about things. And we both have, you know, our, our personal traumas that we have gone through. Mine also showed up as being a little bit type A and wanting to be in the control and be, you know, have ABC and D all laid out so that I knew what was coming down the pipe. And in the past few years, I've started to try to relinquish that control for myself in different areas of my life. So while we were starting Misfit Mondays, and I was like, Oh, goodness, I'm gonna have to get really organized for this. Oh, no. Oh, oh, no. Oh, this diva darling over here. had it all all excelled out. I have never seen such
Mx Zephy:And I didn't get to do pivot tables.
Lady Charmaine:Not yet. But for someone to come with an idea and have so much like fleshed out already into format. I was just like, holy crap. Okay, I have nothing to worry about. Like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm getting more to a place where I can fly by the seat of my non existent pants. And that's, I'm okay with In fact, I love life that way. Now,
Mx Zephy:Fly by the seat of your skirt.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, I fly by the seat of my skirt. Or I just put a broom under myself and fly away. But it's been a lot of fun. And but I want to know what other triggers do you potentially have? Would you like to share more?
Mx Zephy:Oh, I have so many. Oh, god there. And I think this is that this is the problem of like, you know, being deeply connected to like my empath side is I'm stupid self aware. And I know the reasons why I do the things I do. I just often don't know how to one stop myself,*laughs* because, you know, there's automatic negative thinking like that ants thing. It's a big psychotherapy thing. If you want to look it up. It's one of those cognitive distortions to call automatic negative thoughts. And it's basically and these things that like run around in your head. You just can't stop them. Anyways, this is actually one of my other things that perfectionism where I start rambling sometimes, um, because I want to seem like I know what I'm talking about. And I figure that even if I'm rambling, it seems like I'm brain dumping*laughs_ even if I'm not, and I might just be saying them string of words in sentences that don't mean shit. *laughs*
Lady Charmaine:Gorgeous. Oh, so I Wow. *laughs* That's so real. I love it. I love it. I do not like to be put on the spot at all. And that is a big thing for me. I still I have these areas that I am working with. And which perfectionism shows itself in the way that I speak. Which is why having a podcast and having, not having to, but allowing myself to do more free flowing thought in Word is beneficial to me because I've spent so much time in the corporate world really paying attention to how I show up how I speak and, and always wanting to say the right thing that I love it that I can show up here and we can have a topic and I can mess up. I can. I can say the wrong words, I can swear. I can do all of these things. Because that is a big thing for me, is how I speak, how the words come out of my mouth is this crazy hang up for me. I'm trying to get back to my witchy roots where I just go for it and the spell is cast. And so it is. I have spoken. Done. That's a Mandalorian reference. If you don't know Mx Zephy, I don't know how big of a Disney plus nerd you might be.
Mx Zephy:I already pay for Hulu, Hulu Plus, Amazon Prime. And Apple TV. I can't afford Disney plus at this point.*laughs*
Lady Charmaine:I love my Disney plus I bought it the first day it came out and I am not disappointed. We are not we are not sponsored by Disney plus, but we could be
Mx Zephy:I don't know if this is family friendly programming most most days.
Lady Charmaine:It is not family friendly. However, you know, adults have to make money to get their kids all that Disney stuff. Right. So, you know, appeal to the adults too. And sometimes our inner children curse. We say fuck too sometimes.
Mx Zephy:you know, and then so brings me up to like something else I do. So one of the other things I do is I hate compliments as much as I so I live in this weird gray area, this gray like gray zone of like I want attention and need attention all the fucking time because I'm needy, that middle child thing that I was talking about a couple weeks ago. But also I hate compliments. They make me feel like physically uncomfortable. And I feel like I get nauseous and I want to throw up and I hate it. And I know it's because it's like, because I don't see myself. And that ties back to that value piece where I don't see myself as being valued for that compliment. Even if you know other people think I should have that compliment. I'm just like, really do I really need it like, but also, secretly I want it.
Lady Charmaine:Right. So I'm going to tell you what a great mentor told me once that as the person receiving the compliment, it is our job to take it for the gift that it is because the giver wanted to give it. And, and to accept it with a smile, even if we're uncomfortable. And we you know, we want to stick that compliment in our back pocket and not look at it for you know, three days. But really, the compliment is given, really for the benefit of the giver. And once I started thinking of it like that, I was able to smile and nod through them more until it actually became comfortable.
Mx Zephy:That like I've got a lot of deep thoughts running through my head right now because I see that. So like and I think these are actually this is a good place for us to actually segue a little bit into like strategies for combating perfectionism because I think this is one of those because it's rooted in this acceptance. But it's also rooted in this thing where it's bigger than just you like, if y'all haven't figured out by now, I am huge on community and huge even if I don't really have a lot of those connections in my personal life. I love community and I love being in community. And I think that we can't make it through this world without community and being engaged in really deep, meaningful, even not so meaningful relationships. And I think that strategies for combating perfectionism shows up in this acceptance like this compliment is like, take it, you've accepted it, you put it in your back pocket doesn't mean you have to embrace it right now because I think there's a two step I think there's a two step or thing there, I think versus accepting it and to embracing it for me, I'm just gonna accept it's gonna sit in that back pocket for about a good six years, maybe eight depending on like, where my moods happen that week. Um, but then the other piece of that too, is also like the collaboration because you've engaged in this relationship with somebody, this is a collaboration. This is a give and take. They're giving you this compliment and you're making that choice to take it you're making that choice to hold on to it.
Lady Charmaine:Yes, and that's, you know, it is bigger than ourselves. And, you know, again, when I spoke a couple of weeks ago on ego, and when we start to make changes for ourselves, and the changes we make for ourselves Yes, in a ripple affecting way, does affect other people. It does. However, we are in charge of our little boat and the big pond. And our little boat is going to make ripples, and we have to you know steady our boat and wear our life vest. So if we do happen to go over, we're still safe, and we can get back in our boat. And every other boater on the pond has to do the same thing. So even if you make a ripple, it is not your job to fix or help someone through your boundaries, or what you need to be doing for yourself in your life. If they are a good sailor in their own boat, they will be able to take that, integrate it, and continue to sail with you. Or they're going to they're going to sail in another direction. And that's okay, that happens sometimes. And you know what, sometimes they're going to come back around because we're not perfect. And people don't always act according to even their own inner compass, sometimes. You know you get slapped upside the back of the head with information that you're not prepared for. And you may go back to that, you know, caveman brain, and you're just feeling and then stuff comes out of your mouth. And we're not being self aware or conscious or mindful. And we're certainly not being perfect and mistakes are made.
Mx Zephy:So to really sum that up, it's not a competition, it's why it's a shot of competition, it's a showcase. So what are your strengths? And how do you make them shine, so like in it, and there's also that piece of like presence, like being aware of what your strengths are being aware and knowing what they are, and being comfort and not even being aware of them, being comfortable with them. And owning those, those strengths and knowing that those are your strengths?
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, it's not a competition. And it's not a competition with yourself either. And I say that because I think a lot of people, myself included, we get stuck in this mindset of like, by the time I'm 20, I'm going to have this done. By the time I'm 30, I'm going to have this accomplished in my life, by the time I'm 35, I'm going to have this accomplished in my life. And then when life throws you all the curveballs that life does, and you don't happen to hit a milestone that you had set for yourself. Then all of a sudden, it's the end of the world. Now we're having a midlife crisis that, you know, 32 because you don't have kids yet, or you didn't get the promotion, and you're not driving the Ferrari, you know, we set ourselves up in these ways, where, one, we're so focused on the end goal, that we're not even enjoying the journey. And to, when we don't get to that goal in a certain timeframe, we are allowing that to affect the goal. If it's meant for you, and you're doing the work, it's going to come your way, not maybe in the timing that you want. But in time. And so when we're going through all of this perfectionism, it's these little pieces that continue to hold us back and hold us into these timelines in our heads of what needs to be done and what needs to be done by a certain time and it can really mess you up. It can mess you up hard, because if you're already having a rough time, and you're not meeting those, we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves. We are not here to be perfect. We're here to be perfectly imperfect. And that's what makes us unique and allows us to have all these different skills and be individuals is because we aren't perfect. I don't want to live in a perfect world. I like being crazy. And I like meeting other people that fly freak flags that are different than mine and learning about all of that. So
Mx Zephy:I'm a list person, that's a lot. And I love that you just downloaded all this shit. So let's it's not even shit like this whole big, massive pile of magnificence and glory. So basically all these examples Charmaine gave that just, you know, you know, ran through with great examples and things like that one is stop using limited language like all or never. You can grow your own way. I know there's a song in there, but you don't really let alone. Two decide to not take on a project or task that someone else can do and be okay with whatever result comes from it. Even if it doesn't get accomplished or considered a success. Ask yourself does the world and by the way, success has one too many S's. Can we just like, take one of those out because my lisp cannot take that many esses. Third, failing forward on being okay with failing, you know, looking what's, what's the lesson? Did you learn something from that? And even if you didn't learn something from that? That's okay too. Keep fucking it up. That's all right. I mean, how are you supposed to live your life if you just keep trying to do things perfectly? It seems kind of boring. Um, this one is one that I struggle with. It's toned down the extraness. Like, I love a good spreadsheet. I live for entry. But do I really need that carefully detailed, detailed agenda? Or like, perfectly baked cookies? Did the world end, again like? You don't have to do all of it and do it all perfectly?
Lady Charmaine:I think ugly cookies still tastes good.
Mx Zephy:That's the damn truth. And I think too, with like all these strategies, it's also noticing what comes up afterwards. Like what are the changes in your life when you start employing these strategies? Do you feel less stressed? Are you feeling a little less frenetic and a little less crazier? Are you calmer? Are you healthier? Because stress shows up in your body. I mean, the body keeps the score in the body doesn't lie. Colin Bedell, who is my Insta crush at this point, says this a lot,
Lady Charmaine:Woah, throw that out there. We are manifesting.
Mx Zephy:Yes, we are. So like, the body keeps score on the end, and the body doesn't lie. So like when you start like focusing on these things where you're stopped stressing yourself out to be perfect you'll you'll also notice that you've been giving you'll also notice what you've been giving up in that quest perfectionism. So you'll be seeing what comes back in your life, maybe you start reconnecting with friends. Maybe there's now time to exercise maybe just free time to like breathe in indulgence and self care, you know, and then note these things acknowledged and acknowledging them really helps you break that trance of perfectionism and how burdensome it can be. So maybe you can allow yourself like this inner smile a chance to just be to realize that you really are that you are deserving your worth. Because I think that when we're striving for this perfectionism, we're like, go, go, go, go, go, we don't stop and think that I'm successful. I'm deserving. I'm worth it. I am light. Let's get that india.arie song back here.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, and and you think to that, I was told this story, this, okay, so I have, I have someone that I work with, who I love dearly. I love dearly. And he is a very openly gay gentleman. And he likes to tell me stories about his younger years. And he said he remembers a time when he lived in New York City and he would go into these clubs. And at the end of the night, he would you know, he would sit and he would make eye contact and sip cocktails, whatever.
Mx Zephy:That's called cruising.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, whatever it's called, anyway, you know, he'd see what who was there. And he said, at the end of the night, he would be so disappointed because he would go home alone, and he couldn't understand why these very good looking gentlemen were going home with not so good looking gentlemen. And he realized that the only difference is that the other gentlemen were making the first move, were taking the first step, were willing to be awkward and unperfect. And to go, go thereto to cross the distance. And the moment that he started making the plays, life got much more interesting. So and this comes back to this, everything. Everything when you're trying to be too perfect. You are literally sitting by yourself and closing doors all around you because you're not allowing yourself to just show up and showing up is half the battle. GI Joe.
Mx Zephy:You did not have to be that damn loud. *laughs* Like, because I don't really like make the first moves.
Lady Charmaine:Oh, was that was that for you?
Mx Zephy:Yeah. And I hate you for it. But I also love you for it because that was really loud. That hit a little bit like too close to home. But I loved it. Like I that's something I That's something that I, you know, again, like, I'm not fucking perfect. This is something that I needed to hear because it makes sense.
Lady Charmaine:And nobody's perfect. And, and it's okay to to take the first step and for it to not work out. Because if you're not winning, you're learning. If you're not learning you're not growing.
Mx Zephy:Right? So fuck perfectionism.
Lady Charmaine:Fuck it. Fuck it all to hell.
Mx Zephy:Alright, I think that was like I don't really have much less to say about that topic now. Thank you for spending time with us and this week's Misfit Mondays. If you love what you hear, subscribe to new episodes and drop a review or connect with us on Patreon and Instagram. We're looking forward to catching you right here, next week. Thanks, folks.