Misfit Mondays
Misfit Mondays
Pushing Daisies
Today, we chat about reanimating relationships with connection. Hold with curiosity and care the question of deepening the place of connect with the platinum rule. This is the sequel to Daffodils, and the second episode in a trilogy of episodes that asks us to reflect on the platinum rule of treating people the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated. How can we seed empathy, germinate compassion, and blossom meaningful relations with ourselves and others. Let’s get planting!
Lady Charmaine, are you sure this Shadow Work is lightwork? It looks questionable to me.
Lady Charmaine:It's fine Mx Zephy.
Mx Zephy:But what about toxic light work?
Lady Charmaine:Uggh, just grab a warm beverage and settle in.
Mx Zephy:End scene! just misfits!
Lady Charmaine:Hello beautiful misfits! Are you fed up with the good vibes only crowd?
Mx Zephy:People telling you where to go and how to be present?
Lady Charmaine:Afraid to make your own choices and free to be you?
Mx Zephy:Feeling just trapped?
Lady Charmaine:Us too. Join us as we turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows right now with Misfit Mondays.
Mx Zephy:Hello beautiful people. Mx Zephy here. pronouns xe | xem and with me is Lady Charmaine as per usual, pronouns are she | hers. Today we chat about reanimating relationships with connection. So we hold with curiosity and care of the question of deepening that place of connect with the Platinum rule. So this is the sequel to daffodils that we ran last week. And this is the second episode in a trilogy of episodes that asked us to reflect on the Platinum rule of treating people the way they want to be treated, not the way that you want to be treated. So it asks us how can we seed empathy, germinate compassion and blossom meaningful relations with ourselves and others? So let's get planting. So this this episode kind of comes from that episode that that short lived TV series called uh Pushing Daisies where I think it was Ned. I think his name was Ned. But anyway, if he had the ability to resurrect people to single touch, but they died if he did it again. So it was like so this is, so we're asking ourselves to kind of have you look at how do we deepen that connect without smothering somebody to death with too much affection that doesn't really match what they need? I know there's probably number iros out there with some snark along the lines of Come on Mx Zephy, how can this be they need all my love? Yes, and let's harken back to that first episode. Get us a good Yes. And in here. Yes, they need love. We all need that sense of connection in some way or another. But what that connection looks like and feels like is different for a number of people. So you know, I was talking to me about this a little bit earlier. You know how many times we like earlier as in like earlier in the day, how many times we tried to get to love on someone in a way that we thought was acceptable just for them to get pissy because it wasn't the way they need. Maybe you gave them like a hug or kiss when all they wanted was the Netflix and chill without the chill. You know, it is COVID social dishing distancing regulations, right now. So you know, it could happen, I don't know. Or, you know, maybe someone close to you, like send you a quick thank you over text, when what you really needed to feel appreciated was that warm embrace that really like that deep physical connection. It just really hits different sometimes, you know, and also your language to communicate, this also probably going to change over time. So you know, I want everyone to, you know, bring Charmaine in here and talk about re animating our relationship by saying fuck you to that golden rule. And then checking in with our needs with the Platinum rule through love languages. I don't think this gets old enough, you know, attention, Charmaine . I mean, I think you know, a little bit more about it than I do. Oh,
Lady Charmaine:yeah. So okay, the love languages, and for all of you who are, might be rolling your eyes about this a little bit, please hear me out. Because this is this is legit. So this started with a Dr. Gary Chapman. And he wrote the book, you could go out there, go to their website, Google it, you'll find it the the love languages. And it's about how people perceive love, and how that that they feel love from different aspects. And he was able to narrow this down to five different aspects. Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And we all have a little bit of everything, usually a little bit. But they're going to fall into line differently for all of us. And it was kind of funny because as we were talking about this zephy and I were texting back and forth. And I was dead sure I knew mine. I had taken this quiz 1000 times I've read the book. I have gone through counseling that talked about it. And we're going to talk a little bit more maybe about my relationship this week, just because I have used a lot of this in my own relationship. But I used to get so frustrated with my Chris, who is a wonderful partner who is very helpful with household chores, which is awesome because I am a feral wife And I'm not very domesticated. So it's very awesome that he is all about helping with housework. And it's very much I would say it's not split 50/50 at all is very much more on him. And I appreciate him so much for that. Now, today. Now, five years ago, that was my biggest beef with him. Because in my mind growing up with a single mom and, and things like housework was housework, everybody helped with chores, and that was the end of it, like, it's shit, that's got to get done. That is not a way to show somebody you love them that shit that's got to be done anyway, you're an adult now. That's what you got to do. And so I always felt like, he would rather spend more time doing dishes than like coming in sitting on the couch with me and spending time with me because I was all about physical touch, and quality time. And words of affirmation, like, those are my top three, and then it was like gifts and acts of service. Acts of service was that was nothing that was just being an adult to me. Um, but a lot of this comes back to, again, the way someone shows love in these five categories is oftentimes the way that they most perceive as being loved. So while I wasn't up to being as helpful with chores, and working along side him, he was seeing that as me not caring as much for him, because I wasn't helping in that aspect. So it really goes both ways. Now I, I took that little test again, and lo and behold, it's changed as I've grown and started to not feel like my partner has to be the end all be all of my happiness. And I have matured in so many ways. might have gone a little different. And now my top one is quality time. Actually, I take that back, it's receiving gifts, which I used to tell myself that I am not materialistic in that fashion. But it doesn't have to be big gifts like to me now. If my Chris starts my car in the morning, and so that I go out to already like defrosted warm vehicle. That's an act of service. And that is an act of love that he's given. And when it comes to gifts, it's like he goes to the store and he buys me my favorite chocolate bar because he just happened to see it and he was like here, I thought you might like some dark chocolate. It doesn't I'm not asking for Tiffany diamonds. Not that I'm going to say no to him. But that's not what I'm talking about. When it comes to gifts. It's a little of everything. And the physical touch, and words of affirmation while they're still in there. They've just moved down and everything's become a little more regulated. And I don't have this huge percentage gap of what I expect or what it takes for me to feel loved. Now, we talked a bit about this today. And now that we know what the love languages are, some of those have been extremely affected in a time of COVID when we are social distancing, and sheltering quarantining in place that some people are not getting, some of those love language needs met,
Mx Zephy:Your love tank is not getting filled up
Lady Charmaine:your love tank. Yeah. And if your love tank isn't getting filled up, you can't go to the Love Shack. So um, for me, I haven't necessarily had that and have it I almost have way too much energy in my home. Because there's people here if I was living alone, I think that that would be a very different story. And I would feel very differently about my time in 2020. How are you feeling?
Mx Zephy:I mean I'm still trying to petition to get them to add like spreadsheets and cheese to like, you know love languages because like, like, there is nothing that sounds good, better better to me than someone talking nerdy to me and giving me a plate of fucking cheese. And that's not even an act of service or gift. I don't even need you to give it to me. I just need to have it even if I'm even if it just randomly magically appears in my space and manifests out of nowhere. Like Give me my cheese and my spreadsheets and if it's got a pivot table, it's It's a it's a train straight to pound town right there. It was like,
Lady Charmaine:nothing like a pivot table to get you to a different position. Yeah.
Mx Zephy:But yeah, with this COVID thing. Yeah, well, you know what I want to let you know. And after we talk about COVID, I want to take a step forward to, because I think also love languages change with like, I think there's some times where trauma events happen and like the love languages change, and I think COVID is kind of is and the reason I bring this up is COVID, for a lot of us was trauma, like it was a it was a collective trauma experience. And I know for me, so like my, my two are actually physical touch, and quality time. And being somebody who lives alone, I've gotten neither of those, like, I don't remember the last time I was actually really hugged from somebody or actually got to spend like, real quality time with somebody, just because COVID changed that dynamic. And it's not really accessible to me. And so a lot of what I've had to do is figure out, and I think this is great, too, because this is also giving us this is I'm getting like downloads in my head, because we didn't really plan this episode. But anyway, so this is like strategies for dealing with this. It's kind of where I'm edging into this, but I think to it was finding what are ways that I could spend quality time with myself. What are ways that I could physical touch with myself, and I'm talking about masturbation here people like I ordered, like, I don't even know, it's like a it's like a prostate tickler or something like, so I figured out like when you know, these Love Languages aren't available, um, with to me with relationships with other people, like how can I cultivate this love language within myself, and and, you know, and create this place of deeper Connect, and figure out what that looks like? Because I wasn't getting it. And so yeah, it just meant that there's more, you know, solo sexy times, it meant that there was more time of me, you know, finding what gives me joy, where is my pleasure? Where is where is liberation for me in this self love. And it was like getting back into baking and getting back into reading. I think I binge watched a shit ton of things on Hulu, over the course too, like So getting back into that. So it's a lot of just reconnecting with what makes me tick. And I think that was kind of where that that aha moment during COVID was for me was figuring out like, how do I adapt this love language to be something where I can level myself a little bit more?
Lady Charmaine:Hmm, baby, I love loving on myself. So I'm all for that. With or without a partner. I'm living alone or not living alone. I think that, you know, truly self love is the ultimate rebellion in the world we live in the ultimate rebellion. To love yourself enough to, to care about how you feel, and what brings you joy and what you want and how you want it. That that is an act of beautiful, glorious, self loving rebellion. And I'm here for it all day. Air day, air day, we're gonna do that, you know, I have found to you it's kind of funny. I mean, I'm gonna take this back to physical touch. Because as we've said in past episodes, consent is mandatory. Consent is mandatory. And I'm gonna say this, we talked about treating people the way they want to be treated rather than the way we want to be treated. And I am a very touchy feely, Huggy, lovey person. I am a fluffy, vibrant woman who wants to hug up on you and just love on everybody. It's true. It's just my personality. And I am a hugger. And I have, of course, been very good about changing my ways and asking consent before hugging others before just going in. And totally creeping someone out weird numb out giving them all the wrong vibes. I have a friend who played that I used to play roller derby with and, of course, we're all touching each other on the court, you know, bumping into each other running into each other off the court, not a hugger does not want to be touched. So it's a lot of it has to do not just with the person, it has to do with the environment. It might have to do with not just the environment, but the people, other people within the environment as to what makes someone feel comfortable or loved. You know, if some people are not into PDA, it's, you know, they do not want a hand holding in public or kiss on the cheek. But in private, they're all for the you know, the touch. So it's really again, It comes back to knowing yourself. Communicate, and then communicating that and recognizing it. And other people, you know, now when I see people you know, some people are cheerleaders, like, they are the words of affirmation, people, they are going to be there. And they're going to give you those words of affirmation. And I tried to give that back to them in turn, if they're showing up in that way. Because again, a lot of times the way that someone shows up is the way they also receive love. But then having those conversations or saying, Hey, you know what, that really filled my cup? Because that is one of my top love languages, what's your love language and start that conversation? How do you feel loved? How could I help you feel more loved, and, and open it up so that you are making that space for someone to be treated the way they want to be treated?
Mx Zephy:I love that. I think that's beautiful. And I think, you know, and I think it really hits home for this, this idea that that language might change depending on circumstance, because I also think it changed. Like, it's, I think these love languages are something that's a little flexible too like, they change as we grow. And as we evolve as people and as we come into ourselves, I think that we start understanding different ways of how we operate and how we move in the world. I think we really just need a definition thing, because now that I'm thinking about that, like we use words like how we move in the world, how we operate, like relational dynamics and things like this, and they feel very big. Sometimes I think we might need that, like, you know, taking a step back and getting on a random fucking tangent, like, just having like a, you know, Misfit Mondays dictionary, because I think sometimes we use I get into my, like, social justice kind of warrior,
Lady Charmaine:Did you say a glossary, or
Mx Zephy:dictionary or something, just something because like, I'm big on language, and sometimes I feel like I use words that are too big or too, like inaccessible to people. But anyways, back to
Lady Charmaine:like, well, we'll add it to the Patreon,
Mx Zephy:we'll add it. Um, and But anyways, back to that thing about love languages changing, like, sometimes that changes, and that's okay. And it changes because the way that you're moving in the world is changing a little bit differently. Because they know and we talked about, like my parents death, like in the grief episode, like that special episode, I think two weeks ago, now, one week ago, I don't even know, whenever it was three weeks ago, where we did a grief episode called One Sweet Day, and it talks about my parents dying. And I think that was where my love language changed, um, where it kind of got cemented, because I realized I lost them when I was young, like I was in the I don't even think I was 20 yet, so I just barely started living like I you know, as I said earlier, and actually, and I want to take a step back here too, because I want to start moving away from the word died or passed on, there's somebody who actually talked about this. I heard him say the word transition. And I love that word so much, because it's like that. For me, when you say transition, it's like, your essence is still here. And you get to move from one space to another. So it's not like you're gone, you're just not necessarily really here anymore. But anyways, so I think that when my parents transition, that was where I realized that I wasn't going to be able to touch them anymore, I wasn't going to be able to spend quality time with them again. And I think that is where my, you know, the foundations for what my love language looks like showed up was because that was what became important, because I think that when I was growing up, you know, I was a real asshole. Like before the like the last two to three years, I was a real just a jerk, and a dick to people nine times out of 10, like, I was just not a very pleasant person to be around. I was very selfish, very egocentric. I think I might have even been a tad racist, too. Like, there, it was just I was just the whole fucking mess. And I think that all these experiences, and I say that to say, because I think all these experiences have taught me a lot of how to just be a better fucking human, I'm not even better, I think improved, or how to really move away from those things that you think you are because you think you're because I think that the way I was doing it was I was trying to get something in the way that I knew how I could get it. Like it was a learned experience. And then I learned that those weren't necessarily the ways to do it, because it kept causing harm, it kept causing conflict, and it kept causing, you know, drama, and all these other things. Um, so all that says, like, I realized that, you know, as time went on, I realized that I wasn't spending time with my parents, even when they were around, I wasn't doing physical touch with them, even when they were around, there's just a lot of things they think, you know, all of I think when they transitioned, it made me realize that those are like stolen moments that I can't get back. And those are moments where, you know, now I'm trying to be a little bit more, a little bit more conscious and a little bit more impactful with how I move, which is why for me, it's like those are very physical acts because those are things that we can't really backlink for me gifts and acts of service are things that they're always going to be there, there's some tangible reminder for them. There's something that but that like that, that that spending quality time and that that physical touch is something that's in the here and now it's a very present thing and it fuels Your present and I'm a very now I'm a very present focused person and kind of living right now in the moment and using this moment to decide what comes next. So for me with this love language, that physical touch, and that I'm and the physical touch and the quality time, were ways for me to acknowledge that I am here with you, I don't need that gift as something remind me, I know that you were here and this is we got this moment. And this moment was very impactful. This moment meant something to me, it was meaningful. And I know that that works much the same way for everybody love languages. But for me, I think just because that loss and that grief still feels very real for me, this was a way for me to say, I'm going to do things differently. And so that was kind of how that love language evolved it Yeah. And I think it's just a lot like, you know, back to that person who was talking about transitioning, he made a good point about people like he's a, he's a, his name is Pastor Darryl Brown in Omaha, Nebraska living in pieces. But he's an HIV AIDS person. He does a lot of like outreach work. And he was talking about people dying from HIV AIDS. And he was like, that's medically inaccurate da da da dah. It's there's people who will develop other things, because their immune system is compromised. But all that to say, I asked him so curious me, I have a question. Like, you know, when would it be better to say that somebody died from complications from AIDS, and he made this like, really great point. of um, what did he say? He said, it's, it's most important to utilize language improved by those who are most impacted, um, but also like, it's just meaning, again, meeting people where they're at having that compassion, having the empathy and figuring out, like, where do you fit into this. So I feel like that was really random, and rambley. But the basic gist was, Love Languages change how you feel. And I mean, you're allowed to grow and develop as a person and kind of mature into somebody and your past mistakes don't really define you, you just kind of got to learn with them and roll with them. And I knew that it didn't really have a lot it. In some ways, it didn't really have a lot to do with what we were talking but it was on my spirit. So that's what you're going to get. It's it is what it is. But yeah, a lot of love languages just just thinking out, like, how do people want to receive love? How do they want to receive attention? And then also like, how do you how do you want to do it? And can you and can you cultivate that love within yourself?
Lady Charmaine:Hmm, yeah. Cultivate that love within yourself? I love that. I feel so buzzy right now. Because this is what happens when I get all energized and spirit flow and all this stuff. Oh, okay. Um, I don't know. I feel like that I just feel like that's that.
Mx Zephy:I do, too,
Lady Charmaine:we're not doing a guided meditation. I just feel like that's it, you get what you get. You don't throw a fit. This is what we said.
Mx Zephy:And sit with it.
Lady Charmaine:Sit with that. Just sit with that and figure out your own damn love language. You know, take the time, do a little research about yourself. If you don't know what your love language is based on this conversation, go do some research and figure it out and then share it with somebody. Anybody tell a friend?
Mx Zephy:Hell, let us know.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, let us know throw it in our Instagram feed on our Facebook Misfit, Mondays
Mx Zephy:Misfit My love knowing people's love language, because actually, when I found out your love language was like, gifts, and you having a bad day today I was like, you know, I put on a sparkly sweatshirt just for you today. I didn't do a picture of it. I was like, this is how I can give you a little bit of like, affection. It's small, but it's it's still like and even that I think that's the big thing. It's like, even small acts of affection are good things too
Lady Charmaine:Hey, better a little of something, then a lot of nothing.
Mx Zephy:Who that's a great place to end. That's it. That's it. We're done people. Thank you for listening. We will catch you next week. Love and kisses. Thank you for spending time with us on this week's Misfit Mondays. If you love what you hear, subscribe to new episodes and drop a review or connect with us on Patreon and Instagram. We're looking forward to catching you right here next week. Thanks folks.