Misfit Mondays
Misfit Mondays
Daffodils
Today, we check the platinum rule by musing: before you do unto someone make sure you are not doing harm unto them. This episode tills the groundwork for a trilogy of episodes that asks us to reflect on the platinum rule of treating people the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated. How can we seed empathy, germinate compassion, and blossom meaningful relations with ourselves and others?
Lady Charmaine, are you sure this Shadow Work is lightwork? It looks questionable to me.
Lady Charmaine:It's fine Mx Zephy.
Mx Zephy:But what about toxic light work?
Lady Charmaine:Uggh, just grab a warm beverage and settle in.
Mx Zephy:End scene! Just misfits
Lady Charmaine:Hello beautiful misfits! Are you fed up with the good vibes only crowd?
Mx Zephy:People telling you where to go and how to be present?
Lady Charmaine:Afraid to make your own choices and free to be you?
Mx Zephy:Feeling just trapped?
Lady Charmaine:Us too. Join us as we turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows right now with Misfit Mondays.
Mx Zephy:Mx Zephy here pronouns xe | xem; and with me as always is the wonderful Lady Charmaine pronouns she | hers. Today we look at a check to the Platinum role and ask ourselves before we
Lady Charmaine:It's correct. It's a thing that we do. do unto someone, are we doing harm unto them? This episode tills to groundwork for a trilogy of episodes that asks us to reflect on the Platinum rule of treating people the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated. So how can we seed empathy germinate compassion, and blossom meaningful relationships with ourselves and others? And Charmaine you and I like we haven't really talked a lot about like our personal relationship so but I do know that both of us have a Chris in our lives I well. I haven't. Well, Chris is no longer my ex fiance, but he's my still my friend. Like, even though we work up rooming the best of friends. And that's kind of what this episode title comes from. Back in my younger, immature Sagittarius days. Oh, that Sagittarius energy was running strong. There's a lot of pettiness and using hurtful words to really dig at people's insecurities like I could, I could literally get under your skin within like, just three words, and it would cut so deep, I was fucking terrible. So my Chris and I came up with thi safe word. And you I mean, yo use safe words a lot with BDSM too. We've talked we chatted little bit.
Mx Zephy:Right. Like, it's like the safer because we're trying to navigate like consent, umm consent in a different way. I think when we talk about consent, it's always like don't touch my body, things like this. But this is consent as in like, this is still causing harm. So let's chat about like, how do we not cause harm? Um, and so our safe word was daffodils. So whenever I was starting to be petty and starting to be mean, or starting to yell, or starting to just, you know, really act through my traumas, without taking a beat, pausing and saying, Oh, I'm causing harm here. Chris would be like daffodils, and I know that I need to get the fuck out his face, turn around, and leave the room. And I think that this is like a great check of the platinum rule because I think a lot like the Platinum rule so much of us but we also don't think about like, is this causing harm? And so I think this is that that like little nuance within the Platinum rule to say, hey, maybe we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
Lady Charmaine:I love that and now that you say that, I'm like, why haven't I had a safe word for arguments my entire life? Seriously? Seriously, because I'm also a Sagittarius and when that temper fires like it is volcano fire. It is. Oh, it will be dormant and it'll just lay low and then one day that fire will breathe on you and melt your damn face off. Wow, I'm learning so much in my old age. In my in my midlife age, I'm setting a safe word with my Chris tonight on fighting rules. All right.
Mx Zephy:And make sure when you're setting that safe word is one that one you won't use very often even in something in casual conversation. Like I would never ever talk about daffodils period in that casual conversation, because I didn't want it to actually accidentally happen and yes, I knew context matters. Da da da da. Yes, social justice warriors. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Like, but I know that like that was one of those words you don't just randomly say daffodils. It's not like shouting fire in a crowded movie theater or something like you don't want to cause panic.
Lady Charmaine:That's correct. I think platypus is a good word because it's just sounds funny.
Mx Zephy:Or echidna
Lady Charmaine:Say what?
Mx Zephy:Echidna? No, it's that little. It's a it's a bird. It's a wingless bird that lives
Lady Charmaine:Oh I was going to say it is the dangly thing in the back of your throat. No.
Mx Zephy:C'mon Cardi B, that dangly thing in the back of my throat.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, that's the uvula, just so we're all clear. Not the same as a vulva or a urethra. Now that we have our anatomy taken care of. Let's tie back into these daffodils. Oh, I'm just I'm still sitting with this. How did I not have a safe word for finding out
Mx Zephy:Hey it happens! I want I think to like, for me was like, I think there's some points like I know for a bat bat bat a little bit that there's a lot of like, thoughts in my head right now. So but for me, like when we're when we're creating this daffodils thing Like, so to get to paint y'all a picture like I was going through a lot of trauma at that, at that point my life like navigating a lot of grief. Like, I was angry all the time. And I was angry because I was sad. I was angry because I was hurting. like there's some wounds that were ripped open and like, I didn't know how to navigate this, I didn't have those tools to say, here's how I process this, like therapy was out of options. Like I didn't have a lot of connections to care or community. Chris is a lot more stable, like Chris is a Taurus. So he is grounded in like, earth energy like 100% stable, nothing really fazes him, like completely like, I'm, I'm empathic so I pick up on your energies a lot, can barely ever pick up on things from him. Like he's just stoic as fuck, like you don't I we dated almost seven years. And I still like, there's still little things he'll say that catches me. But all that to say is like he was a little bit more self aware than I was. And he was the one that actually suggested it. He was like, Hey, we need to have this word for when you're being a dumbass and like getting in my face and causing problems, like, let's do this. Um, but I think also to my point, like I had also I did say, Great like I had to I had to step into that piece of compassion myself, and that, you know, the empathy for him to not do harm and say, Oh, you're right, I am causing harm. Let's think about ways that we can navigate this. So it wasn't even my idea it was Chris'. But I think it's I think it's a great way to just, I think that that self awareness is a great way to see that you're not doing harm onto somebody.
Lady Charmaine:What is Chris's? Astrological sign.
Mx Zephy:He's a Taurus.
Lady Charmaine:Oh, my Chris is a cancer. So it's interesting, interesting, interesting. So when I think about this, it's really and I know that we're going to talk about this in a later episode, probably next week's episode, but, um, it's really about how we show up for ourselves, within relationships.
Mx Zephy:Ooh, say more. I'm getting a ting like I'm getting my spidey senses tingling. I this sounds good. Go for it.
Lady Charmaine:Well, when you think about it, when we're when we're acting out, we're acting through, you know, acting out these trauma experiences in our body. We are throwing so much of ourselves out. And I think especially as a Sagittarius, and once the fire gets rolling. Like we want someone to catch fire with us in a lot of ways. We want someone to mirror that and go off. So just so we have a valid reason to be mad sometimes. Because we don't know why we're mad. Like we're reacting through this trauma. And we can't pinpoint what's making us mad. So if we can throw the fire and have somebody mirror it in our relationship and start this whole, you know, toxic circle of shit. And it gives us that ammunition to be mad. Well, I knew you were gonna react that way. I you know, it's like it, it goes down. Oh, man, oh, my 20 year old self. I forgive you, I forgive you. Because Oh, that girl was the same way. Like, if there were, I would make I would come up with reasons to fight, just to fight because I didn't understand why my body was so overwhelmed with energy and emotion. And so really, we have to it's about how we show up for ourselves. It's we might not always be self aware, but it's recognizing, like, oh, okay, that's giving me this feeling. What do I need to do not projecting it on to the next person? Or are hoping for that mirror. You know, as we grow and mature, we realize we I hope you realize I've realized how awful that cycle is. But how do we want to show up for ourselves within a relationship because a person isn't there to make us happy. It's not their job to make us happy. It's not their job to fill our voids. They are to be you know, our yes and yes, I love myself and because I love myself I have this human being that I can share myself with. And I got so much coming in right now. My throat chakra is full open.
Mx Zephy:Well, I think too like it's also like if we take if we take a beat and we pause. It's also about relationships that aren't like intimate that aren't like romantic relationships too, because they think too. This is all about checking in and set and you know, not saying Well, I'm angry so I want you to be angry too. Or I I'm upset and yelling. And I want you to be that way too because that's causing this like this reciprocal harm this cyclical, reciprocal cyclical Lord, there's a lot of like, like, s sounds.
Lady Charmaine:There's a lot of"icals" in there.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, there's a lot. But it's, it's it's taking that beat and saying, Oh, this is causing harm and realizing that you're doing and, and I think it's those people that were closest to that we often cause the most harm to, because we feel the most comfortable with them. And also, and I think, too, the other piece of that is that we also that it like, we're also the closest to them. So there's that connection to them. There's that like, there's that history, that shared history, there's that love that there's that there's a feeling of companionship that raises up, where with a stranger, we often don't have that level of compassion, that level of empathy for people, because they're just somebody on the street, we're not going to see them again. And so I think with this do no harm thing. It's, it's looking at these relationships and saying, great, I'm causing harm here. Because I think that when we start doing that work in our personal relationships, and that in network with ourselves, it makes it so much easier to like, expand that out and say, Alright, well, within my close circle of friends, we've worked on it, let's expand it out to people who are acquaintances, let's expand that out to coworkers. Let's expand that out further and further and further, because I think that at the end of the day, this do no harm thing. While it starts with yourself, it's a it's a connection thing. It's all about making sure that we don't do no harm to anybody, and making sure that we're checking back and going, how is this causing harm is this causing harm, because I think sometimes even the nuances of what harm is gets caught up. And sometimes we try to like categorize and say that this harm is bigger than this. So that means that you've, you've done more harm. And I know I'm so guilty of this, there'll be times where I'm like, Well, you've done X, Y, and Z thing and trying to like, diminish the shit that I've done. And I'm like, Well, I didn't do it that badly. And it's like, no asshole, you actually did, you're kind of a jerk, like, either you take a beat and take a beat and realize that you're responsible here too how do you be accountable? So I think it's these pieces of like, looking at what? And I guess, then it's like, what do we want out of our community? What do we want out of these connections? Do we want this harm to happen? Do we want the golden rule? Do we want the Platinum rule and if we want the Platinum rule, what's the work that we're going to do to to actually put into, you know, to make sure that Platinum rule sustains our relationships, which means that we need to figure out like what harm looks like, which means that we also have to check in with people, which then means we also now have to connect with people. And then we have to start asking for needs, we have to start communicating, you know, how does this work? And how does this? And how did, how do all these pieces of us fit together where it's gonna create this mosaic of life experiences that continue on and on and on, and, Jesus, now I'm gonna take a breather, because that was just like, coming out.
Lady Charmaine:I think it added that to you have to check your, your boundaries and your expectations.
Mx Zephy:Yes,
Lady Charmaine:because we put these expectations, especially as you're saying, like the people that are close to us, we have these expectations, like they're close to us, they should know what we're what we need, or what we were thinking or whatever, these different things, it doesn't matter if you've been together, you know, 10 days or 10 years, while there are things that are learned in in time, that person is not going to read your mind unless they are psychic, like seriously, like, it doesn't matter. And based on how we are showing up for ourselves, similar situations do not necessarily mean that you want the same reaction from somebody, right? So we really have to check in with our expectations of people and, and communicate that, but communicating that through your own boundaries. You know, this, this is how I am showing up. And this is how I would like you to show up. But I also understand if you're not capable at this time, and giving people space to not have the time and not have the capability or not even want to that's their choice. But they don't know what you're expecting or what you're wanting if you're not willing to speak up and say it either.
Mx Zephy:That's beautiful. I was about to say yeah, like that whole being okay with people's choices for what harm or like whatever that looks like for them and being okay with it. Because I think with Chris, I had to be okay that I was causing harm, even though it felt uncomfortable. Even though I knew that I was doing it, it still felt very uncomfortable, because I knew that I was causing harm. And part of me didn't know how to stop doing it too. And part of me didn't want to admit that I was causing it. And so I had to learn and well and it wasn't even I had to learn it just I just say you know what, you're right. I'm causing this harm. And I need to be okay with not even feeling Hey, sounds weird. It sounds off like I had to acknowledge, I think acknowledge is a better word. Like I had to
Lady Charmaine:Acknowledge.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, I had to acknowledge that. Yeah, this is ugly, and you're causing harm. But then he offered like this solution, and it was like and so I think it was like back to your same with those boundaries and that compromise. He was like, This is my boundary. Here's how we can compromise. and I think this is beautiful.
Lady Charmaine:I think so too. I think that is, right. do, did you want to do a summary or a wrap up before? I do a guided meditation here? Because I feel like we've hit it.
Mx Zephy:I think just uh, yeah, I think just the summary of this is impact versus intent. I think that's the big, I think it's a big tick takeaways, impact versus intent, where you think that you might be, you might be doing something that is beneficial or something that's not harmful. But then, well, the intent is that in intent versus impact, let me I just got a little confused, intent versus impact. So you may think that you're intending to do something, and not realizing that the impact of that is harm. So how do you so in, in this, like doing no harm to people and coming up with a safe word and coming up and navigating these boundaries, it's saying, Well, my intent is x, this is what my impact is, and making sure that you're always checking in to see what your intent versus your impact is.
Lady Charmaine:Mm hmm. And with that, let's take a moment to think on our intentions, I know we're coming up on the end of the year. And let, you know, let's Let's end it strong. And let's really feel into intentions and how we're going to show up for ourselves, going forward, how we're going to show up in our relationships, whether that's in our homes, in our offices, in your church or place of worship. And with that, make an intention to communicate boundaries and expectations clearly. So let's just take a nice deep breath here, if you'd like to close your eyes down or just gently lower your lids a little bit. As you breathe, as you inhale here, take a full deep belly breath. And as you do that, just really feel into the expansion of your diaphragm and your heart space. feel like this is, you know, a very heart centered matter. And, as you're here, let's think of one positive thing that we can say to ourselves in moments of fear, anxiety. This is where we really want to think into our root chakra as well and how can you feel safe? Is it by just saying I am okay, I am safe in this space. I honor my emotions. I accept my friends, family partners, for who they are, without my expectations, to really feel into a place of self love and self worth. Your emotions are okay. It is okay to feel the full range of emotions I do. I feel all of them even ones that probably aren't in, in books somewhere. It's okay to feel this wide array of emotions and to fully live your life. Having these emotions and when we find it that emotion that is uncomfortable to us. Give yourself permission and forgiveness. To feel it, acknowledge it. And either step into it, lean into it and really understand it or to let it go for a moment until you're ready. Let's set that intention to allow ourselves that feeling and forgiveness. Without any negative self talk without hurting others, intentionally or unintentionally. Give yourself this gift of presence and peace of mind this season and going into the new year. When you're ready can open your eyes gently or if you need to just take a few more minutes and you do what feels right for you. But know that we are here for you. We appreciate you so very much. And we can't wait to have you here with us next week at Misfit Mondays. Have a fantastic week.
Mx Zephy:Thank you for spending time with us on this week's isfit Mondays. If you love what ou hear, subscribe to new pisodes and drop a review or onnect with us on Patreon and nstagram. We're looking forward o get you right here next week. hanks folks.