Misfit Mondays
Misfit Mondays
One Sweet Day
Today is a special episode of Misfit Mondays. We'll get a little woo woo on you. The New Moon in Scorpio on November 15, 2020 got us in our feels. We wanted to take a moment to sit with the uncomfortableness of grief and unpack meaning. How does it show up? How do we move through it? How do we hold space for grief. Find out all this and so much more on today's Misfit Mondays.
CW/TW: We talk about suicide here. So if you are not in the space to hear about self-harm, please take the space and time you need. We'll still be here.
Lady Charmaine are you sure this Shadow Work is light work? It looks questionable to me.
Lady Charmaine:It's fine Mx Zephy.
Mx Zephy:But what about toxic light work?
Lady Charmaine:Uggh, just grab a warm beverage and settle in.
Mx Zephy:End scene! Just misfits.
Lady Charmaine:Hello beautiful misfits! Are you fed up with the good vibes only crowd?
Mx Zephy:People telling you where to go and how to be present?
Lady Charmaine:Afraid to make your own choices and for you to be you?
Mx Zephy:Feeling just trapped?
Lady Charmaine:Us too. Join us as we turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows right now on Misfit Mondays.
Mx Zephy:Hello beautiful people. So this is Mx Zephy here, pronoun xe | xem and with me is Charmaine, woah lady Charmaine. We've changed that up, haven't we?
Lady Charmaine:Lady Charmaine, my pronouns are she | hers.
Mx Zephy:And tonight, it's actually tonight. We're recording a special episode of Misfit Mondays for this week, because there's been a lot of things that have kind of been sitting on both of our spirits. And we wanted to just take a moment to unpack what that looks like. So for tonight, we really want to talk about grief, and how that shows up it. We talk about a lot of serious topics on Misfit Mondays, but I think this is one of those topics we don't talk enough about, if at all, and, and it's not even just grief. It's about loss. It's about life, it's about that it's a lot of different things that associate and come with grief, and we want to unpack that. Um, you know, and I was talking to Sherman about this earlier this week, this this new moon in Scorpio, especially for like a Sagittarius. And yes, we're gonna get a little woowoo this week, because that's just kind of what spirit is giving us. It's the tea.
Lady Charmaine:Don't let the wind blow you over. Buckle up.
Mx Zephy:Woo woo is happening. We'll try to keep it cute and try to like unpack this is like in plain clothes language as we can. But we can't guarantee that um, but it was like this new moon in Scorpio happened and for like the Sagittarius that Charmaine and I are, there was a lot of moving through grief and trying to process some heavy emotions that were showing up. And it's and it's interesting, too, because this week is also trans week of awareness. And that's something that I am personally unpacking at work. And I'm going through like 35 pictures of trans people who've been violently taken from us this year. And that's, and that's a piece of grief that's showing up this week. There's a lot of things that are just unpacking. So we wanted to take some time to really just, you know, talk about grief, what it is how it shows up, you know, the different kinds of grief, I'm not really sure we didn't really have like, a script for this at all tonight, not even really any outline, it was just what's going to be moving us.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, and, and I think, even with, you know, we're coming off of sort of still on this election ride. And while some of us, myself definitely are happy and hopeful for the future, there is a whole another half of our country who is feeling grief and loss at the outcome. So while I might not agree with every one on that side of the political fence, and I'm not trying to get political, necessarily, but I mean, there's a whole another kind of grief going on there. For people. We've had a turbulent year to say the least. With laws and deaths and riots. Communities have been broken. Families have been broken. And that's just a tiny, tiny scrape of the iceberg that is the grief that our world is feeling on so many levels right now.
Mx Zephy:Well, I think I think to that point to it just it's a lot of uncertainty. And I think that's that's kind of I think that's the big emotion that kind of sits with grief is uncertainty. Because I'm not sure that I don't I don't I don't subscribe to the idea that you can really under understand grief. I think grief is that weird emotion that it moves through you at different times in your life depending on where you are like and I think you can you can make meaning out of grief but I don't know if you can really understand it. I think there's stories you can tell about grief I think there's experiences you can have around grief but I don't know if you can I don't know if you or I or really anyone can fully understand grief. It's it's just this massive blob. I think it's just it just it sits with you.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah, and I think that grief is that one emotion that is truly singular and unique and individualized. Because my grief doesn't feel the same as your grief. Even if, if you and I were were friends who lost a mutual friend, that grief would be different for you than it would be for me, even if we were in a very, very similar situation. So I think grief is the the one emotion that we can't truly pinpoint for another person or with another person. We can only view it to our own limited ideas and beliefs, and experiences. And because it truly isn't the same for every person,
Mx Zephy:Right, and I think and I think the big reason why is because it has to do with like the degree of connection, like how you how you connected or in relationship to that person is going to change from how I how I connect, and how I'm in relationship with that person. And I think and I think the thing we grieve for them, the thing that pisses me off the most about grief, well, and it's not even about grief, it's about the people who are trying to provide solace or comfort. They're like, well, I, I understand what you're going through. And it that for me that that I understand peace. While I love that good intention, that impact hits different. That impact tells me, oh, we you're trying to make meaning of this. And I'm like, I don't want you to make meaning of this, I want you to kind of know that I'm going through this, but I don't want you to understand what it's going through. Because I don't know if there's a way for me to unpack what that connection looked like and what and how that connection has changed me fundamentally, and and i think trying to say that you understand that feels, I don't even know, like, it just feels like you're not making space for how that grief process is showing up.
Lady Charmaine:Absolutely. I think that, and we talked about this in an earlier episode about how we a lot of people, and I've done this in the past as well that, you know, we, we add our own story to another person's story as this way of connecting. Rather than sometimes just sitting back and listening and, and holding that space. And and if you are someone currently experiencing grief, you know, it's and you are feeling that solitude that may come with it, you know, of course, it's easier to say than to feel you're not alone. And also know that you have the right to feel your grief. And to work through that in your own time. It doesn't work the same for everyone, everyone has their own timeline, their own way of going through an entire grieving process. And for a lot of things, I don't believe that process is ever fully completed.
Mx Zephy:Right? You know, and this is already starting to, like, bring up emotions for me because I feel like sometimes when you're dealing with grief, there's a sense that you're betraying, um, that you're betraying the person that was lost. So about 12 years ago, I lost both my parents and I don't really talk about about this loss, this is something that still bothers me, this is something that still impacts me, some days are better than others, some days are really, really fucking terrible. And I think this week has been one of those things where it's been really fucking terrible. Um, and I think that when you lose a parent, and when you lose both, you lose a part of yourself, there's a part of you that you won't get back. And I don't know, if there's, if there's ever a way to get that get back to that, I think that there. Again, getting back to that, like making meaning and making, you know, stories, I think there's a way to deepen that connection after they're gone by remembering them and honoring their memory by continuing to live and I think, you know, because one of the one of the hard things after you lose somebody is, I know that I struggle with this is suicide. It's one of the big things that pops up a lot, when we're dealing with grief is suicide, and I'm not going to knock that that is something that's terrible. Because, you know, again, you know, as Charmaine, you were saying, it's like, feel those feelings, those are valid, and that and that is something that's deeply it's deeply hurt as you feel. I'm it, I want to make space to say that that's an emotion that you're feeling here and to try to dig a little deep and to see, you know, is this emotion, something that's permanent? And can you can you make space for yourself? Can you give yourself that grace in that space? To move that through that grief in that moment? And look beyond that? And if you can't, that's okay. See if you can find somebody that can help you with that because I think that when you're dealing with these because I know that when I was going through it that's all I wanted to do was all I wanted to do was die cuz I when my mom and dad died, I literally felt their presence like I passed out in a friend's car. Because I felt their loss. Before I even knew what happened, I didn't really even understand what happened. It wasn't until much later that I found out they died. I just knew that something terrible had happened. I didn't know what it was. Um, but I think that also ties back into that uncertainty piece. And I think it's also, there's a, there's also that uncomfortability piece, because this is a topic that we don't talk about enough. And it's uncomfortable for us, you know, experiencing to talk about it. And I think it's also uncomfortable for people who are hearing people talk about death. And I think that that uncomfortability and that tied in with that uncertainty makes it so impossible to talk about grief in ways that are healing. And I think that, you know, this is a piece of Shadow Work, that we need to do a lot more work about a lot more work around to unpack and to figure out what is grief look like? How do we hold it? How do we make meaning out of that grief? And how do we continue to breathe, after that grief happens when that loss happens?
Lady Charmaine:I think that's a good time to take a nice deep breath. Really, I sit with that one. There is so much to be said about personal grief. And you know, as you're just saying, it is okay to have these feelings. And everyone needs to get much better at allowing people to have their feelings. Because if somebody is already dealing with grief or a traumatic experience of some sort, and then telling them that their feelings are not okay. You are taking this wound, and you're just like packing a mountain on top of a volcano, it's gonna explode, it's gonna all come out eventually, and it's going to hurt a lot of people a lot worse than, than getting through you taking the time to really heal those wounds. And I think that it's because people are just so uncomfortable with their own feelings, um, that it's hard to hold space for other people. Because, obviously, if you are not sad, and someone is bawling their eyes out in front of you. There is a sense of helplessness. Because you don't always know what to do. And, you know, Lord knows, or anything dirt knows, whoever knows, we all know you're not always going to say or do the right thing. And,
Mx Zephy:and that's okay, like makes it be okay.
Lady Charmaine:Yeah. And it's okay, if you want to help a friend who is grieving, and they say, not right now. Give them that space to have you that not right now. They're not ready. And, you know, a friend of mine passed away. I wasn't super, super close. But I had friends who were very, very close to him this fall. And the hardest thing for them was how many people wanted to help right away. And after a while, it starts to feel almost icky and dishonest, because they're trying to do he was trying to deal with his grief. And it started to feel like people were so much in his face that they just wanted to be like part of this thing that was going on. And that truly be there to wholeheartedly help. And I had a listening ear for him while he was dealing with this. And oh, it was so painful. You could just see that the true pain of not just having to deal with the loss of a friend. But then you starting to question the motives of other friends and other people in your life because they just couldn't leave well enough alone and give him his space.And so we have to be okay with that, too. And not let our egos get involved when someone says Now's not the time.
Mx Zephy:Right. Well I think and I think the big piece of this is like sometimes you don't know what you need. Because I know that when my mom and dad died, I didn't know what I needed. I could. It took me and I'll touch on this in just a second. But it took me almost eight years to finally unpack that grief and to finally be able to sit with it. Because I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you know, I lost my I lost both of them when I was like 19 so I had just barely started living and I didn't know what living in a world without them, like, I didn't know, I didn't know how I didn't know what I didn't know what the future was going to hold without them and how I was going to maintain that connection because for me, like, not only did I lose them, but I also lost the child home too, because there was an accident and things happen. So I also lost that connection to childhood home. So it was like a lot of unmooring. And losing an. And I think this was a big piece of, I want to say soul loss, like that loss was so huge for me. And it's still in a lot of ways. Still very big, because there are moments wherethey're never going to show up to my wedding, if I ever choose to get wedding, if I ever choose to get married, they weren't there for my college graduation. They weren't there for you know, for some of the biggest moments in my life, and they're not going to be and yes. In spirit they will be but and I think that's a big piece too is like there's a difference between being there in spirit and being there in physical form. Because in physical form, there's that connection, there's like that the actual physical connection. But I think it's it's, it's trying to wrap your head around, they're not going to be here the future. They're not they're not here now and trying to process that. So sometimes you don't know what the fuck you need. And and then when people are asking you, what can I do? What can I do? What can I do you? Just feel so much stress and pressure, just tell them something, even if you don't want it because you feel like you're appealing to them? And you're like, Look, I don't know how to tell you no, but I also don't know, like, I don't know what the fuck I need. And I think and and then the other piece because I was chatting just a second ago about like it take it taking like 10 years, eight years to process through this. I was trying to survive because of some other life experiences that were happening. And there wasn't space for me to process this. And that impact. And I think it's called impacted grief. And psychology might tell me something different. But I, if I recall correctly it's called impacted grief. And it's, it's where you get so busy dealing with life that you just don't have a moment to sit and process to sit and think. And then when you do get that moment that grief comes on, like 10 times stronger, because you've just spent eight years like pushing it down, pushing it down, pushing it down, and then you know, back to what you're saying it just explodes. And when you've spent that long doing it, it just bubbles up. And it just goes everywhere. It's just yeah, it's it's happening. And it's like how do you make space for that too, when that happens?
Lady Charmaine:Hmm. Yeah. And how did it. I mean, let's look at our society. So many of us already struggle with self care. And that's before we put any trauma or grief on top of it right near, and. Even people who have really, really great self care routines, and the moment that life gets a little chaotic and stressful, it's the self care that slowly takes the backburner and, and that's for everyone. Because other things start to move into, you know, your line of sight and you need to focus there, or you feel you need to focus there. And, and there's that urgency there that doesn't allow you to slow and give yourself the time you need to think and recuperate. And we also have to find in ourselves to forgive, forgive ourselves for that. And we treat ourselves poorly in these times, because we're in that survival mode and having to do and then once your grief starts to come out and bubble up all over the place, you might not act pretty then either. And then it's really being able to hold on to your own forgiveness and, and have that awareness and the Self Realization to be like, Alright, you know, I am really going through something right now. And that needed to come out and you know, picking up and moving forward and, and reaching out and you know, reaching out to whether it's you know, a close friend or family member or if you need, you know, call a hotline, or get in touch with a new therapist, making those choices to push forward for your own mental health. Do it. Don't worry about what other people are going to think reach out for the help you need. Because we can't do it all by ourselves. We're our brains and our bodies are not meant to do everything on our own. That was never the way creation was made. We've schools of fish, clans of people, maybe clans not the right word
Mx Zephy:Awkward.
Lady Charmaine:That got deep. No, we are not. But we're not meant to do it all on our own it. It was never, never the way life was supposed to be.
Mx Zephy:Right. And I think that forgiveness piece too is something that's a lifelong process. Because you know, back to that point about not understanding grief, grief ebbs and flows. Like I mostly and I think I only say I'm mostly through that grief because there's still moments where I get caught in the emotion because there's like, there's a significant date. So like, September 1 is when my parents died. And around that time, like, I know that I start getting cranky and irritable, and I don't want to talk to people. And, and frankly, I'm just a real pain in the ass. And it took me a long time to figure out that I was getting cranky because I wasn't angry, I was sad. I was I was dealing with the fact that this was a day that held a lot of significance. And like birthdays are like that anniversaries. Christmas, like my mom's one of my mom's favorite holidays, or birthdays. So like even my birthday for a long time, I didn't want to celebrate. ooof. And the reason why is because like, my mom made birthday, such a big deal. And like she would bake your favorite cake, she'd take you out for a special day, like, it would be something where it was just you to have like, one on one time. And growing up in a family of seven,that one on one time was like, everything. And I think that's why I cling to relationships a lot sometimes is because it's like I'm looking for that I'm looking for that, that mother connection again. And I think that's where that ties in. But like that grief is going to ebb and flow. And they're going to be times where it's going to feel impossible. And that's okay. And and so think back to that forgiving yourself. Like, it's that forgiving yourself is going to be a lifelong process. And it's saying, and I think also, this ties into Shadow Work too, because we tend to not honor our emotions, we tend to say, Oh, this, this, this, this emotion feels icky, it feels not so great. So I'm not supposed to have it, well, you know, kind of a theme, or we have this month, like fuck that. Seriously, Fuck that, like, your emotions are beautiful, your emotions are valid, I think that it's how you choose to run with those emotions, that's going to make all the difference. And when I say it, choosing to run with it, I'm not saying that you don't cry or you don't, you don't express. I'm saying that you choose to express that emotion in a way that's healthy for you. And when I say healthy, I mean that when I'm not gonna say necessarily hold it, because sometimes breaking shit just makes you feel so much better. But what I'm saying is like harming another person, or harming yourself in some way. And I'm talking more physically when it comes to yourself, getting back to that suicide piece, because that's gonna show up. When I'm talking about harming other people. It's, it's, it's saying or doing something that's nasty to them. And even then that's probably going to happen, but also having that grace and space to say I'm sorry. And then choosing to try and do that a little different next time. And also saying that, you know, you're not going to be perfectly. and you might fuck it up again, and that's okay, too.
Lady Charmaine:Mm hmm. Yeah. And, and let me tell you, there is nothing like getting some crappy China and busting it all over the sidewalk. Now, I suggest you do that on someone's personal sidewalk, who is allowed you to do it, and make sure you have a broom and don't do it barefoot. But it's it's good stuff. It's good stuff. And I don't, obviously I live in the Midwest. So this might be a totally Midwestern thing I'm about to say. But we have places around here where you can go on throw axes. And so I mean, they're not. So I don't know, I've never actually been to one but apparently the wall is wood and it's got a target on it. And you can go in there with your buddies and throw axes at this target. I hear it's a really good time. But what a way to get some aggression out right? You're not hurting anyone. It's all. It's all fun and games. You can sit there with your friends and see who hits the target.
Mx Zephy:Oh, my favorite is just going out in the woods on a hike and just screaming my lungs out until I'm hoarse.
Lady Charmaine:Oh, yes. Or you can scream into a pillow if you live in an apartment in the city and you don't want someone to worry about you. Just take two or three pillows screen right in and
Mx Zephy:Also writing or drawing too because I think that was one thing. So they're like, you know, my mom and I had a very like, deep connection and getting the woowoo thing side of things like I still feel her presence all the time. I still chat with her all the time. She's basically still here still protecting me still guarding me. And when she passed well, I don't really like using the word pass so pass for me almost like negates the fact they died like and for me it's almost like I'm not being honest about what it is. It's almost like I'm trying to hide the fact that she died. And so I don't like to use passed because it feels like I'm not honoring that we're being honest with myself. So if I say passed I'm gonna like try and correct it quickly. But I think that's just something to like, again, this intentionality with language like. Getting back to that story. Sidebar sorry, with my mom, like my mama had a deep connection. And for like the longest time, I kept having nightmares about her. I didn't stop having nightmares until I think about five, six years down the road. But it's the same one over and over and over again. And finally, I just wrote it out and the second I wrote it out just a second it disappeared from my head, I still have a copy of it. And sometimes I will look at it just because it's a reminder of like, this is how my grief process was and i can i can track how I've grieved over time, and I can track and see because for me it again, it's back to that story thing making meaning like, here's how I've processed this year. So I've honored this and you know, and just being okay with both the ups and the downs and saying, You know what, I didn't do that. So great. But also look, I did this here and, and I think it also helps you kind of make meaning out of the understanding of grief and like grief is so ill fucking logical. There's no rhyme or reason for how people grieve. And that's okay.
Lady Charmaine:And there's, you know, you have a long period, sometimes between bouts of grief. And, um, you it's the little things, you know, a memory a, what was it?
Mx Zephy:A smell.
Lady Charmaine:I was just gonna say, I had, I had a lilacs episode. This year, my grandmother passed away in the end of May this year. And while she lived a beautiful long life, and had been in a nursing home. COVID, which is very real, made it so that the nursing home she was on was in lockdown. So you know, many of us were not able to go say our, our last respects or you know, have those moments, which for me as the grandchild that was very close to her, really affected me. Because I really wanted to be there, I really wanted to have that moment with her. And there will be times where, you know, it's like, I almost forget that it all happened this year. And then I saw some lilacs you know, late in like August of this year. It's like the last little bunch, and boom, I'm crying, I'm down for hours, you know, and I'm mad all over again, that I didn't have those opportunities. And I am upset at things that really don't matter in the large scheme of life. But Gosh, darn it, am I mad as hell about it right in this second. Umm into a point where I can't, I wasn't able to be consoled. You know, I just needed my time alone in my room, kicking the covers off screaming around, you know, acting like a toddler at 40 years old, because I had to physically move the energy out of my body. I had to literally kick and scream and be mad and allow myself to cry, because I realized I hadn't done that. And even at the funeral, I was trying to be strong for my mom for my own children for you know, 1000 other reasons that I hadn't really allowed myself to go through a good start of the grieving process, I was still holding on to a lot of it. So and now we here are, we're here in the holidays. So it's a little harder. Because, you know, my grandmother used to make the pies and she made the Christmas holiday. She would let the kids stay up late on Christmas Eve we could all pick one gift to open. She would sing us to bed. You know, it's she made the holidays. And now we all live across the United States and there's like no reason for the family to come back. You know, it's like we're at that process. We're at that point where we're all adults. We all have our own kids. And now there's no there's no farmhouse, there's no grandma's house. There's none of that big family Christmas that there once was. And of course that also means that my parents can take over, you know, for us and their grandchildren. You but it's this whole transference and transformation that we're we're dealing with right now. On top of COVID keeping families apart. Right.
Mx Zephy:So when I think that's and I think that's beautiful, because I think that's I think that's actually a good space for us to like move into like a healing conversation because I know this has been feeling probably pretty heavy. I know for me, it's been feeling heavy and I think you know with that with that thought around a memory or a smell. You know, triggering that grieving process. I think also, there's something to be said about, like, for me like, it's music that's been really healing. My mom. So my mom. So one of the things that I like is I actually would play a playlist of songs that he because my mom used to love to sing. And with my youngest sister, Cheyenne, my mom used to sing The Doors"Hello, I love you" to her as a baby. And so I have this like very fond memory of her singing that and I can hear her voice in my head. Um, she also loved the Wizard of Oz's somewhere over the rainbow. Like that version, the Judy Garland version. And I like I can hear that version in my head clarity. And I think those that that's that piece of healing like that it's tied to a memory, but there's music and I think music is one of those things that is super healing. And that's sometimes how I feel like my mom speaks to me. Like if there's a message I need to hear sometimes, there will be a random song that like I think one of my friends was actually channeling, channeling her. So I told y'all, we get into the woowoo shit, oso ne of my friends was channeling her. And the indigo, the Indigo Girls, what's the name of that song? It's like a, it's the Indigo Girls, or it's like, it's you and me, or Power of two, the Power of two, one and my mom and I had like a really deep, deep connection, whereas like it was just birthdays that were special. And it wasn't just me. I mean, yeah, it was with the other family too. But like, it just felt like it was a one on one conversation with her whenever we spent time together. And that song came on. And it was it was just a signal that she's still here. She's still watching. And I think that was a piece of healing that I needed to hear because I felt, I think in that green green in that grieving process, I forgot how to be connected to myself, I think that's a big piece of trauma is that you lose that connection to yourself. And you lose that connection because it like grieving, lets you grieving allows you to stop making sense of yourself too, because you stop understanding how the hell you move in the world without them you you stop understanding why the world why the world keeps turning. And so you look for ways to make meaning and sometimes that just means you just lose connection with your body because it's better to not feel than to feel all that shit at once.
Lady Charmaine:Hmm. Yeah. And if you're anything like me, then you roll yourself right into a life of addiction. Because it's easier to feel numb than to feel all the emotions that you are keeping pushed down.
Mx Zephy:Oh, I did alcohol like I did vicodin and alcohol. Like, it was a whole thing. Like I literally would carry like sour apple, Smirnoff vodka and hot apple cider and mix those together. And I would literally keep that in a coffee cup all day long. I think I was drunk for at least a good year or two, just every day. I didn't know what it meant to not be drunk. It was the only way to numb it.
Lady Charmaine:I can I can see that. And, you know, I was not at that point. But I could see where it could go there. And then it's hard in that way. But again, I had Yeah, I had to I got myself through that. And not that it was easy, but I was able to surround myself with people who could help and reach out for help when I was ready. And continue to move through that process. I'm trying to think well, I'll let you know when I get to a year sober. It's coming up in a few months. I think.
Mx Zephy:Congrats on that. That's amazing. You have what two months left?
Lady Charmaine:I believe I have two months left. Yes,
Mx Zephy:That's incredible.
Lady Charmaine:Or two and a half months so and so we're getting closer. And it would we are always trying to numb ourselves and we're not even really seeing our memories through a clear light. And again. So we allow ourselves to almost have a fantasy of what is and is not actually happening. And how we are feeling or in how we are perceiving ourselves and we believe others are perceiving us and it can continue to go down these dark dark spirals. And then I think like you said we need to tap into that memory that can pull us back and and give us hope in a way. I haven't baked since my grandmother passed away she was all her pies were fantastic and she tell you as such And talking about Woo Woo, I have contacted her since she's passed. And she told me to bake pies. She used to bake pies. I have not yet done that. And I know that the holiday season is coming. And I'm going to have to learn how to bake a pie because I don't do that. And it's probably going to be a crying spell is probably gonna be me crying and beating the crap out of dough and trying to get it just perfect like she did. And it's going to be a process for me to go through. But I know it's going to be healing, it's going to be cathartic. It's going to be that memory that. And maybe Who knows, maybe I have an innate ability to make amazing pies that I don't know about yet. Because I've oh, my grandmother's always made the pies And they're delicious. So why would I make a pie? Maybe I've got a great ability. Maybe that's the thing that I pass down. Because my kids have never seen me make a pie in my kitchen from scratch. Maybe that's something I did. Yeah. Maybe 2021 is the year I make lots of pies. I don't know. But it's part of the process. And I'm happy to have those memories. And if my pie isn't as good, then
Mx Zephy:Fuck it.
Lady Charmaine:So be it. Fuck it. Because I honestly don't think anyone can make better pie than my grandma anyway.
Mx Zephy:Right. And I think that what's really beautiful about this is you're making new memories, like those those memories of your grandma, while she has died. Like you're finding new narratives and finding new stories. And I think and I think that's the piece of healing that we need to have more conversations on is like, those people even though physically they died, they still live on in us, like we still carry their light inside of us, we still carry those moments of joy, those moments of sadness, like we still carry those memories of them in us and and I think the big piece of healing is figuring out how do you tell those stories? Like what's the grain of truth there? And how do you tell those stories after they've done after they've died? How do you tell those stories in a way where you can reframe what their grief meant and how their grief impacts you? And thinking, because that relationship I like I strongly believe that you know, even though people die, like their relationships, don't die with them, that connection doesn't die with them. I think, if anything, sometimes that connection can be strengthened through this thing of rewriting that narrative. And I and I really love this piece of, of where you're definitely like, okay, with not, you know, being on her level of making the best fucking pie. I think that's I think that's one is honoring your truth and where you are at currently, but it's also saying, you know, I still honor the fact that I still believe she to be the best. And I love both of these pieces.
Lady Charmaine:Mm hmm. And, you know, with that said, what are you going to do to help yourself through this holiday season and and the grief that you're feeling right now?
Mx Zephy:I haven't even really thought about it. I think COVID has, so COVID is, there's there's a thing called ambiguous loss where it's like loss that happens well and you know, while there's no real tangible like, grief, there's no tangible loss loss is just kind of lost that just kind of happens and there's no you think about it kind of like as an evolution like a friendship dies or not even dies it's not a friendship dies, it's a it's a friendship just stops working or friendship just moves on or y'all grow as people and that friendship just isn't giving you what you need anymore isn't serving you. And I think with COVID it's it's redefining a lot of who I am as a person. I think it's changing a lot of how I see the world and a lot of how I operate and move in the world and, and a lot of what do I need out of this journey that I'm on and what do I need out of myself during this journey? And I think I'm so I think I'm still figuring out what that looks like. And I think right now for me moving through this grief A lot of it is just allowing myself to experience it and to feel it and to be okay with it. Cuz I think for a long time, like crying for me was something where I just felt weak doing it. And I think that's just something we're we're taught that you know, you're not allowed to cry that shows you're weak and I think allowing myself like 15 minute pity parties. I think that's one of the things I do as long as 15 minute pity parties. I think you know, the other thing too is like I'm starting to get back into running. So my, the entire reason why I run is attributed to my dad, my dad, actually underneath that dress form of Agnes that I have is my dad's shirt that says Silver Blur on it because my dad used to do triathlons and all these other things. And that's kind of where I get my love of running and my love of athletic things. I'm a skinny twig looking thing. So like the fact that I'm even athletic should surprise the fuck out of you. But yes, I am in It's very weird. And I and I am
Lady Charmaine:I can't imagine you running in anything but stilettos, honestly,
Mx Zephy:Oh, I can do that too. But in a lot and like in with my mom my mom loved to cook to like my mom and my granny I actually have a marble rolling pin that's like been in my family for I don't know how long. But I think it's like, I think for me, it's finding those little things where I can those places of Connect that I used to have with them. So with my dad, it's running so I can go out and, you know, start running again, with my mom, it's getting in the kitchen and doing a little bit of kitchen magic and figuring out like, finding the joy that she used to have in cooking. And finding because I mean, a lot of what I mean, she used to make birthday cakes for us for crying out loud and would like and was very intentional about that. And I think that's also the piece of meaning making too is like, I know that growing up, I didn't always have the fondest memories of my parents. And I think that over time, it was reconciling what I knew, well what I thought to be true, and then turn around going, Oh, well, that was that pre progressive lens. And that selfish little bastard who was egotistical and like wasn't it wasn't mature at all, and was not ready to have like, an adult relationship with parents. And you know, why should I? I am a kid. But I think it's turning around and looking back at that through new lens and going, Oh, this is where I screwed up. But I can I can see less of my parents in that negative light new and really looking to see the blessing of having them and looking to see that, that the joy that, you know that short time I had with them brought and saying that, you know, despite all this, like saying, Yeah, there was some terrible shit that happened. But also there is there's great moments that happened and looking back and saying those are great moments. And I can I can enjoy those. You know, I've grown through that trauma, that trauma. I think those trauma experiences shaped a lot of how I've shown up in the world. And now it's turning those trauma experiences and going well, what was that little nugget of light? What was that nugget of truth there, um, that can strengthen this narrative I have and really turn it on its head and and allow me to look at it as a blessing, not a blessing that they died, but a blessing that I got to share space with them.
Lady Charmaine:Hmm, yes. And no, I was gonna say something, but now it's telling me to shut my mouth. I think that's where we're supposed to end.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, I mean, that's it. Yeah. And again, I you know, I want to shut my mouth. But I also want to make sure that we leave people with kind of I like, because I want to leave people with like some action item. I'm an action item person, I like to give people list of things to like, keep in mind and things to do. And we've already talked about this, but I want to make sure it's very concrete. One I want. You know, as you said Charmaine, that people are not alone in their grief is as isolating as it feels, we all experience grief. At some point, death is as much a part of life as living is. And we all experience it. It all happens to us. And while that experience may be, may be deeply personal, we mill mill navigate it in different ways. We all kind of know what that process looks like. We don't understand what that process looks like. Because we're not in your shoes. We know what that we know how that grief may show up. So one, you're not alone. Two it's, you're not betraying anybody by continuing to live, because your life is still here to live. And making sure that yes, that grief feels consuming, and it feels terrible. And it really fucking is terrible. And I'm not going to sugarcoat that shit, because grief is a fucking monster and a half. Um, and it's and it's about honoring the fact that your life is still here and figuring out like, how can I still honor that life that was lost, and still move through and move into my own future. And I think the last piece, at least for me, is making meaning out of that grief. What are those? What are those small pieces of this journey that you can carry with you? How can you retell that story of that grief? And it's like when you go from saying that person passed or that person died? That that's what I mean by making meaning it's being okay with all those ugly pieces and saying, Yeah, they're ugly pieces, but there's also some beautiful pieces too, because that connection didn't die with them. That connection is still there. So how can you honor and bring light to that connection, while also still holding space for the fact that you're hurting? I think those are the three that I have. I don't know if you have any Charmaine.
Lady Charmaine:I think that's beautiful and it's, you know. Everything that we've worked on here at Misfit Mondays is really comes back to holding space for yourself in shadow and in light, and and being okay with both and I think that if you are so called, I would just like to take a moment and do a really short meditation on this. And then of course, if you are comfortable closing your eyes, go ahead. And let's just take a moment here as you breathe, and be conscious about breathing into every part of your lungs, upper lung, lower lung, allowing your belly to expand. And exhaling, again, going, releasing the stomach, for lower lungs, and the upper lungs. Go ahead and do this a few more times on your own, just noticing your body movements. And the breath moving through you. This right here, being present in your body, with your current emotions, being mindful of breath and body together. This is where we find clarity. And this is your own personal sacred space. This is your place of rest and solitude that you can come back to, which is safe here within your body. I know that in this space that you create for yourself you're safe to be and to feel whatever it is that you need to feel. If you find yourself in a place of breath, with tears running down your face, know that you are not the first to experience this nor will you be the last. This is a place for us to come and allow our hearts to be cracked open, to allow ourselves to give in to our grief until our tears to fall and water and replenish our soul so that we can find the light and the joy in our memories. And find a space for yourself where you can be grateful for this space in this breath. Go ahead and tell yourself any affirmation you may choose I am worthy. I am light. I have divine purpose. Anything that resonates with you here. Really lock that into your chest into your breath. When you're ready, go ahead and open your eyes. Just know how appreciative we are of you and your energy and your time that you gave to listen to Misfit Mondays. Thank you Mx Zephy for sharing your heart and your emotions and your grief and for being mindful and reminding me that there's a lot going on in the world and a lot of people are grieving right now. This was really perfect timing. And I didn't even realize I was having grief until you've got it up. So I needed to feel through it to um
Mx Zephy:Thank you for sharing space with me. I like I think Sunday is kind of when I realized that this is what was sitting on me I was like holy fuck this is grief. And and I think it was just I think I've been sitting in like naming my emotions and and i think that the and I probably should let those people too is like naming your emotions is always a great place to start to. And it takes a lot of practice to name them. There's a great feeling wheel somewhere because sometimes emotions like masquerade like anger, like sadness often masquerades as anger.
Lady Charmaine:I love that wheel. Yeah.
Mx Zephy:And it's a great little, it's a great little tool. But yeah, it was just sitting on me. And I was like, I don't know why this is showing up. And then it just became clear that it's just, there's just so much like, I think there's just sadness, energy running through the world right now. Especially with the holiday season with COVID, and everything else. And I'm so thankful and so appreciative that you wanted to jump on this, because I know it's not always easy to share space, and to share that grieving process and to make it something and it's not even, I don't feel like this was a grieving space. For me. I feel like this was a healing space. Yeah, we talked about grieving a lot. But I feel like this was more of a catharsis, of recognizing that this is what was happening. And saying, Let's instead of like pushing it under the rug, let's, let's bring this to light. Let's talk about this. Because I want to shape that for, for this.
Lady Charmaine:So I wanted, and I'm gonna ask your permission here, slightly. Um, but you and I talk almost daily, pretty much daily,
Mx Zephy:Uh hmmm.
Lady Charmaine:And I just want to make people aware of kind of how this works. And I was gonna potentially read some of our messages here.
Mx Zephy:Go for it. I'm not ashamed of them.
Lady Charmaine:I know. I know you know that. Put it out in the universe.
Mx Zephy:There might be some explicit messaging in there. So FYI.
Lady Charmaine:No, you. You messaged me about ambiguous grief. And, and, and kind of told me what you are dealing with. And you're saying that you're finding this gray area that you're walking in. And then you kind of went silent. And I, I did my best to listen. And then randomly on my heart, of course, I said a bunch of nice things to you. That just came to me because that's who I am. And you kind of told me that you were having a rough time with everything that was going on and just feeling alone. And I came back with Is there anything that I can do to support you more right now. And I think that's a great phrase for people to learn. And in holding space, and that's why I wanted to go through this is I think sometimes people don't know how to act because they don't have the language. And I think that's a really great phrase that if you don't know what to say, or you're you start to clam up, because you feel that moment of helplessness. Is there anything that I can do to support you more right now? And then allowing that person time to kind of get their thoughts together, and not coming into someone's space, not pushing your way into someone's pain. But just asking, may allow them to find that moment of clarity to really know what they need. Yes. As Zeph was saying earlier, you know, just you get into that place where you're just answering to answer because you feel obligated to answer and you don't even know what you want for yourself. So I think giving giving that space is big. But then haha. When if and when a friend goes radio silent. It's okay. It's okay to let them process and to have their time and and give them space.
Mx Zephy:Yes. I think it went silent for like, what two days?
Lady Charmaine:Oh, almost two days?
Mx Zephy:Yeah, it was like almost two days.
Lady Charmaine:Um, well, even today. Okay. Um, yesterday was a rough day. This morning, I texted you at like five o'clock in the morning. And I said good morning. And thank you for something you did last night while I was already in bed. And then I didn't hear anything from you. And I messaged you again at
2:30 this afternoon, saying Hello and good afternoon. Now, there were no messages between there. There were hours of silence that but I only reached out because I wanted to make sure one that you're okay. But I'm not here to push my agenda on you. If you still needed space I'm I was willing to give it to you. And granted you came back with sass and and so much gorge today.
Mx Zephy:Sass and gorgeousness is kind of like my mainstay lately. Because it's kind of like, that's how I kind of process grief sometimes. And I know that we've already done the meditation and things like this, but like how I process sometimes is I change it up. Like I'll go put makeup on or a good pair of six inch stilettos or like get a fucking haircut like that's how I process grief sometimes it's changing. Because that changes your energy. It changes how you show up in the world. Sometimes just putting, like getting a fucking shower sometimes helps everything
Lady Charmaine:Oh, amen. Exactly. New moms, you know, and of course, there's everyone else who needs a shower. You too. But I know after kids the first months, weeks after having a child and in postpartum. Whistles. Get that shower girl. That baby can cry for the five minutes you're in that shower. Just go take the shower. It will reset you, you will feel so much better. It will help your attitude. You'll be all like warm and clean and fresh and your baby's going to love on you even more when you get back. It's okay. Don't feel the guilt. Just go take the shower girl. I'm telling you new parents go do it. Um, it's those little things that that help. Again, self care goes right out the window when you're dealing with other things, so, right. Take those small moments. Always come back to breath.
Mx Zephy:Yep. And give yourself space. Breath and space. So yeah, and you know, again, thank you, Charmaine, for joining me on this. I know, I appreciate it. And thank you, everybody, for continuing to listen to us. I appreciate you showing up with us and just giving us space to sometimes just process things because I think that's sometimes it just it just moves through me. And I'm just like, I feel like we need to chat about this.
Lady Charmaine:Absolutely. And I'm so excited for all the other stuff we have coming up in the next few months. We're gonna end 2020 with a bang and a and a and a boom. It's gonna. We got big stuff coming up. We're so excited to share with everyone. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank you. And of course, we always love feedback. So give us a shout out anywhere. Facebook, Instagram. Make sure to go out there wherever you're listening to this and leave a review on Spotify or iTunes, wherever you're hearing us. Know how much we love and appreciate you. We are going to be here every Monday through the holiday season. So don't worry your Mondays are always booked. And we hope you have a healthy and happy holiday season.
Mx Zephy:Thank you for spending time with us and this week's Misfit Mondays. If you love what you hear, subscribe to new episodes and drop a review or connect with us on Patreon and Instagram. We're looking forward to catching you right here next week. Thanks folks.