Mademoiselle Femme Fatale

On today’s cast, we chat with, me, Mx Zephy. I’m a Madamoiselle Femme Fatale, social dislocator, card slinger, and all-around gender explorer. Curious as to how I came to embody all my gender fabulosity and stand confident in my Mxtress ways? Find out all this and so much more on today’s Misfit Mondays.

Transcript

Mx Zephy: 0:00

Hello beautiful people. And welcome back to Misfit Mondays the show for all the intuitive misfits out there, wondering how to turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows. On today's episode, we chat with, me, Mx Zephy Mademoiselle Femme Fatale, social dislocator, card slinger, and all around gender Explorer. Curious as to how I came to embody all my gender fabulosity and stand confident and my Mxtress ways. Find out all this and so much more on today's Misfit Mondays. Mx Zephy here, pronouns xe | xem, and Charmaine is listening in with me. She will chime in as she

Charmaine Houck: 0:46

so choose. I will chime in as I so choose. There we go. That's the word Oh, and what are your pronouns Charmaine? Uh, she | her or hey you

Mx Zephy: 0:53

Now that Charmaine just chimed ummm. Today, today I want to talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna. Yeah, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. That's definitely not my thing. Singing. Ummm sorry, not sorry. I can guarantee you I'm probably going to do that at least one other time during the course of Misfit Mondays. So this is your forewarning.

Charmaine Houck: 1:19

And you sing country like ooof?

Mx Zephy: 1:22

Yeah. Like, you just might want to turn that down. I can't carry a tune to save my life. That is not me, you know, denying my shadows at all. That is me saying I cannot carry a tune. It is just a biological fact. But on today's episode, entitled Mademoiselle Femme Fatale, we'll talk about me. So this is kind of like the shadow. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. And I don't think for me that I've been doing Shadow Work all that long, I think for... No, I know, I know that for a very long time, I was navigating a lot of trauma experiences. And I was I was trying to figure out how to just survive like moment to moment. And there, there wasn't really any opportunity for me to kind of sit back and unpack like everything that was happening. I was just trying to make sure that I had like food in my belly and like a roof over my head for so long. Um, and it wasn't up until I think I want to say like five years ago, maybe like it feels it feels like so long ago. Like, I think that's the beauty again, of Shadow Work. That's another, there's so many beautiful things about Shadow Work. We've talked about this multiple times. But I think this is one of those other beautiful pieces is that once you start going into Shadow Work, you start seeing like those pieces of you from so long ago. They feel like lifetimes, they feel like, I feel like I've lived like four lifetimes in the past five years. And a lot of is testament to just the work that I'm putting in to be a better person and to show up better and to find my voice and you know, to really dig through these shadows and find those lessons. Find those like nuggets of wisdom in all that shadow. And about I guess three years ago or so is kind of when I really started getting into Shadow Work. I talked about Michael Billy on an earlier cast. I'm gonna bring him up here again, because I think I owe a lot of me starting on the shadow journey to him. At that point in our, you know, in our friendship, he was the CEO of the local trans and queer community center here in Jersey City where I'm from, and he had negotiated a deal with like a local mental health services. And I ended up getting free therapy and this was like the first time since I was a teenager that had been able to to walk into a therapists office because therapy's expensive. Like I couldn't afford mental health. Every job I've ever had until that point had been something I'd created through different life experiences. I just hadn't been able to actually afford therapy. Umm and what Michael gave me was like a huge gift. And you know, and I and I want to make sure that I honor that cuz I think that's a huge piece of where I'm at in my journey. Um, and there's a lot of gratitude for that because I don't. Oh I am about to start crying so we're like. I'm already getting started in like these heavy tears thing, but it's just that was a moment for me to like really settle down into myself into you know, to stop feeling like I was being combative with all the time. It got to a point where I wasn't at war with myself anymore and I could finally sit down and go, Holy fuck, this is me. This is why I do things. This is how I'm showing up. And I think one of the first things I walked into my therapists office with was this um, I had had a dream I think, like the night before, and the memory I brought in was me sitting in this like vast field like the wind was coming in. It was nice, it was cool breeze. Um, some sunshine is coming down but there's like this huge this huge, like I guess it's a she shed, we'll go a she shed. Like well, let's just bring in that auto commercial, or progressive or whatever it was, like it's a she shed and in the she shed were like all these like boxes. Umm like they're U haul boxes or their cardboard, like the cure their corrugated, if my gay lisp would stop showing up every five seconds, I could get through things a lot quicker. That's my, that's my cross to bear. But anyway, so in the she shed was like all these boxes, and they were all cardboard either. Some were like those tupperware boxes. Some were like ceramic boxes, but they're all labeled, um, very specifically. And it and they were each labeled with like this memory, or things that I forgot. And one thing I think that is important for you to note here, is up until about time I was 25 I don't really have a lot of memories left. All the trauma and like just the painful experiences I had experienced going through life has pretty much wiped most of them out. I have flashes here and there. But for me, those memories are more like, it's almost as if somebody's telling me it happened to me versus I experienced it. So it's almost like I'm watching this movie of my life that I wasn't really participating in. And so a lot of therapy is me trying to figure out what those memories were. So this she shed, like, again, I diverged all the time. I apologize. No, I'm not gonna apologize for it. It's just it just happens. I can't help that randomness. Yes, I can, maybe we'll see. That's Shadow Work for another day. Anyways, so I'm in this she said, and there are all these boxes of memories. And it's just I can walk through and I can touch them. And, and I can and I can see these memories like rolling in my head and I can see them playing in my head. Like I'm watching this movie. Sometimes it's rated R sometimes it's rated x sometimes it's just straight up like triple x hardcore porn. What have you, um, and as that number and as I'm going through, there's, there's some Oh, that's what it was. It was my my now boss. And we talked about this in an earlier episode that we don't like use that term boss or do or it's my direct supervisor. So Dominique had showed up and had told me that something had happened with my current job and that I needed that I was needed out front. And so I turned around and I walk back. I'm spent like, I guess like couple seconds, maybe a couple minutes dream times weird. I've never know how long I'm in a dream. It could be hours, it probably is hours. I don't, REM sleep operates on 20 minute cycles. Another story another day. Anyways, I turn my back, go back into the shed and everything has been stolen. There's no memories left, there's there's nothing left. And I'm sitting there looking at this empty room and just going What the fuck. And basically, I spent this whole dream trying to, this whole dream try to tap track down all these memories and find all these pieces. And it ends up that it was me who stole these memories. I like I ended up confronting a another version of myself, who had packed them up into this, this covered truck and like shoved them in a storage shed. And I think that's kind of how I see Shadow Work is like you have all these memories that are within grasp that are within access. And you can always reach out touch them. And you can always reach out and see them. And you can see how they interact with you. But you really don't know what to do with them. They're stuck in boxes. And, and. And I think that the in at the end of the dream was where the lesson and Shadow Work came down was because I got a chance to unpack all these memories. And I got a chance to say, Oh, well, I don't need this one anymore. So I can toss this out. Like this doesn't bother me, this doesn't affect me anymore. It doesn't serve me anymore. So let me throw this out. There are other memories that I was like, Oh, this is something I can use. There's a lesson here and I can bring this with me. So I packed this into like a keep pile. And then the other pieces are like, I don't really want to touch those anymore. Um, because I'm not ready for them. I don't know, I don't know how to interact with them. I don't know how to get that lesson out. It's too painful. Whatever the reason was, like, I couldn't touch them. I couldn't enter like, I just I didn't want anything to do with them is essentially what it boiled down to. And so I just repack those and shove them back on a shelf and just left them. But i think that's that's kind of where my shadow work journey has been has been a lot of unpacking. Um, because I think one of the biggest things I had to you know, I had to learn was how to reconnect with my body I think going through No, it's not even I think, again, I use I think and I think that's this is another shadow thing is I'm always second guessing myself on Is this true? Is this something and I think that's tied to those memory pieces, but what I know to be true in my shadow journey is I had disconnected from my body because all these experiences and all these things are happening. I disassociated. I didn't know how to deal or I didn't know how to process. I didn't know how to work through all these things. Um, so I really lost touch with my body. Um, and actually I've I've recently I kind of got my yoga certification and I started getting more into regular yoga practice and that's been a great thing for me to you know, integrate the shadow piece into really start connecting with my body. But in disconnecting from my body, the reason why is because I had to engage in sex work for a very long time to you know, just to survive just to get a roof over my head and the big piece I learned is that my body is a transaction and sex was my currency. So that was the big piece of it. Like, I learned that my my worth as a human was tied to what I could produce. And we see this a lot showing up to in the way that our capitalistic structure is set up. And I'm not going to get like down that rabbit hole of like capitalism and how this fucks up our entire system, like and system as in like our body system and how we interact with the world because it's a whole thing. It's what I do in my day job. But coming back out of that rabbit hole, since now we decided to go down there. It was this thing where my body was, like my body and what I could produce was how much I was worth. And that is this piece of shadow that I'm going through now is figuring out like, No, fuck that. Like, I'm deserving because I'm a fucking human like, we are all deserving because we are, we're human, that our worth is inherent to our existence here. And that we don't need people to say that you have value or, you know, you said this, and this makes you intelligent. No, that's not true. And I think that this part of shadow work for me was figuring out like, I am deserving, I am worth it. Um, actually, let me let me let me you know, you can't see these things. Maybe you know, if you subscribe to our Patreon shameless plug, I'm sorry, no, I'm not sorry. I'm sorry, not sorry, hashtag sorry, not sorry. But if you're on our Patreon, there's these great cards that I use. And you'll see them actually on my personal Instagram, I'm actually post them to on our at Misfit Mondays Instagram account, another shameless plug, not sorry, again. But these affirminator cards are things that like give positive affirmations every day. And so I pull one of these cards every single day, just to kind of remind me of that value and that worth, and to affirm like, who I am as a human, um, because at the end of day that Shadow Work is working through that and figuring out like, and affirming who you are as a person and standing in your truth and saying, I am light, I am love. And that's what matters. And it's also saying that I also have these shadows too. And those are and those are Okay. um, because I think at the end of the day, you need to, you need to be okay with those shadows, and you need to learn how to integrate them. And that's really what Misfit Mondays is about, is integrating their shadows and, and just really sitting with them. And for me, it's been in the last five years, where I had to move from that space of survival to what I call thrival, I kind of arrive at this threshold of thriving, but for me thriving is this process. It's not this one stop destination. It's something where you can arrive at this threshold of thriving, but it's the choices you make in the present moment that keep you thriving beyond that, and you know, and allows you to step over that threshold into the abundance that's available ahead of you. Because that's the thing that I want y'all to understand is that when you're over this threshold of thriving, you can see so much possibility and potential and that's what makes that shadow work easier. Umm getting to that point where you're okay with your shadows and seeing that there's possibility that there's potential. Yeah, and I want to end there because I feel like I could continue talking about myself because, honestly, I'm a little egotistical, and that's okay. That's something I'm learning too. I'm a little I'm borderline narcissistic, maybe narcissistic. We'll see. We'll figure this out.

Charmaine Houck: 13:21

But it's okay. We love you.

Mx Zephy: 13:23

Right. And I'm okay with it. Like, oh, I'll work with this. But, but I think that, you know, you know, Charmaine talked a lot last week about Madame Save a Ho. And, you know, and there's just, I think, you know, between that episode in this episode, you get a really honest look at at the deep soul work that happens with Shadow Work. At the, at just illuminating all those pieces of you that you're not okay with. Because I know that I felt shame. And I know that I felt guilt with all of this. But I'm okay with that. And I'm learning how to move through that and not let that shame and that guilt dictate how I respond to things and allowing myself to pause and allowing myself to breathe. Because those those strategies right there of centering yourself in the moment, pausing, breathing, saying that I am not that trauma, I am not that experience. And saying that I am me is the greatest fucking gift you can give yourself. And I think that's actually a beautiful space to leave. How do you think Charmaine?

Charmaine Houck: 14:24

I think that's great. And I just want to say that I am so proud of you, in me because what we do hold on to things of, you know, guilt and shame. You didn't allow that to hold you back from getting the help you needed when Michael was able to help you to get mental health services and therapy services. You know, a lot of times I've seen people step back from help. That's a big one for me. It's hard for me to ask for help. It's hard for me to accept help. So by not allowing that guilt, shame, fear, to stand in your way of, of taking help, receiving help when it's offered, kudos to you. Because so many people struggle with that. And and that's a huge hurdle to leap over, in working with shadow, shadow Work in and of itself and then creating your personal boundaries, you know, re establishing yourself and who you are in your body and, and creating those self love and personal boundaries for yourself. That's big work. And nobody should take that lightly. It's it's easy to say it's not easy to do, and it's easy to preach. I know lots of people who are you know, the gurus out there #notreally, that, you know, they talk a really pretty talk and they aren't real about the effort it takes to get there. So yeah, and and knowing your worth. I yeah, knowing your worth. Or like I I put on my own personal Instagram last week. Know, your worth then add ta

Mx Zephy: 16:23

Let's let's. Look I already shamelessly prom ted not only Misfit Mond ys, but myself and like eigh other things. Like let's let s continue this self-pro otion train.

Charmaine Houck: 16:31

Oh, okay. So my personal Instagram is charmaine. ouck. That's it. Um,

Mx Zephy: 16:39

and I've been mispronouncing your name for so long now. Well, that's their thing. I've been saying Hawk as opposed to Houck

Charmaine Houck: 16:46

you say it however you want. I made it. My maiden name is Hamilton and I I'm totally a Hamilton. I'm Scottish blood. But it is. Yeah, it is. It's know your worth a d then add tax because you a e worth it and nothing makes y u worth it. Your producti n doesn't make you worth it. Yo r your background, your sk n color, nothing makes you wor h it, you are worth it. And that s i

Mx Zephy: 17:18

Well, I think that's actually a beautiful way to end this because next week, that's exactly what we're going to be talking about on Misfit Mondays is level setting and setting expectations for the shadow journey and looking at the differences between light work and Shadow Work. Thank you for spending time with us on this week's Misfit Mondays. If you love what you hear, subscribe to new episodes and drop a review or connect with us on Patreon and Instagram. We're looking forward to catching you right here next week. Thanks, folks.