Misfit Mondays
Misfit Mondays
Yes, and...
Life can be really painful sometimes, traumatizing even. Half the time we either want to hit pause and pretend the painful experience isn’t happening; or we press fast forward through the experience. Rush to get to fulfillment, catharsis, light, or even pleasure rather than just sitting in the pain, - holding the painful experience with care and curiosity. Instead of asking of the painful experience, what lesson must be learned in order to serve my highest good. By skipping ahead to love and light we miss out on an opportunity for healing and self-compassion.
We invite you to set an intention of saying yes to light work and to shadow work. Invite in curiosity and play. We encourage you to be open and flexible to other ways of approaching spirituality. Om shanty shanty, love, and light is certainly the easiest approach to spirituality, but is favoring convenience more harmful than helpful?
Resources:
How to Be An Anti-Racist
On Rest & Being Part of a Pack
Two Wolves
Jungian Shadow Work
Find us here:
Instagram/Facebook: @misfitmondays
Email: notyourgurusnamaste@gmail.com
Hello beautiful people. And welcome to Misfit Mondays, the show for all the intuitive misfits out there wondering how to turn the light out on spirituality and get comfortable with the shadows. On today's episode, we say 'Yes, and..'. We invite in curiosity and play. We are open and flexible to other ways of approaching spirituality. Omm shanty shanty, love, and light is certainly the easiest approach to spirituality, but is favoring convenience more harmful than helpful? Find out all this and so much more on today's Misfit Mondays. It's Mx Zephy here, pronouns xe| xem, and my co host is Charmaine Houck, pronouns she | hers. Life can be really painful, sometimes traumatizing even. And half the time we either want to hit pause and pretend the painful experience isn't happening. Or we press fast forward through the experience. We rush to get to fulfillment, catharsis, light, or even pleasure, rather than sitting in the muck, -and sitting in the pain. Rather than holding that painful experience with care and curiosity. Instead of asking the painful
experience:what lesson must be learned in order to serve my highest good. And by skipping ahead to love and light, we miss out on an opportunity for healing and self compassion. Today, we invite you to set an intention of Yes, and. We encourage you to show up with a sense of curiosity and play, to be open and flexible to alternative ways of approaching a problem. We ask you to seek and engage multiple truths. Yes, light work is important and shadow work plays a critical role in our spiritual development. And like, I don't know, I mean, I don't know if I've actually talked to you about this, Charmaine but this Yes, and title came from my, she hates me calling her my boss, we don't really do hierarchical structures at work. It's weird. Most people don't understand it. I'm still trying to work through it. But anyway, so my boss, but not boss, Dominique Morgan, has this thing called yes, and. Whenever we show up in spaces where we're trying to facilitate conversations or navigate cause harm and conflict, we have these things called community agreements. I'm not sure if you heard about community agreements before.
Charmaine Houck:I actually have. So when I started Brookings pride, I got involved with the Bush Foundation's Change Network.
Mx Zephy:Oh fancy.
Charmaine Houck:Oh, some days. I actually had to put on a bra for those, those get togethers. But we also talk about changing our communities, have evolved into the Yes, and, and creating community agreements or agreements within the confines of the space that we are working, because we aren't all going to show up with the same ideas or experiences, and we need to make room for everyone to be heard and to grow. So absolutely.
Mx Zephy:Right. And you know, and also, I think, to that point too like, rules, like are meant to be broken. There's always this thing, where it's like, oh, that's a rule, I'm gonna break that shit. Like, I don't want anything to do with it, like, Fuck your rules, fuck all of this, and that's kind of why I use agreements. Um, because it's, it's kind of this idea that we're collective and we're trying to engage in this work as a community, we're sharing these agreements, at the beginning of any shared space, so that way, anytime a new person has joined, there's kind of an understanding that hey, this is what's going on. This is a brave space. I don't like using safe space anymore. Safe space feels, I don't know, reductive or like it feels like there's something wrong with safe space in my head. Like I prefer brave space. That's probably some odd shadow work I need to deal with. Speaking of yes and. Um, but yeah, like I like brave space much better. Right, and it kind of challenges you to explore, What does brave mean to me? How does brave show up in my body? What does it feel like? How am I showing up in this conversation? Can I open up that Throat Chakra? Spoiler alert we'll have a conversation on chakras later, but anyways.
Charmaine Houck:I can get into that because, you know, when it comes to success, we all have different values of what success is for us. So bravery is the same, you know, for one person. I have friends who are extreme introverts. Brave, sometimes it's just walking through the door of an event or an interview, or any type of social interaction. That's their brave.
Mx Zephy:Hell, picking up takeout sometimes is a brave thing for me. Sometimes I'm like do I want to walk in here? Do I want COVID? Do I want to interact with people? Can I get them to deliver? That's why I love Uber Eats now to order food, as problematic as Uber Eats is now. Have you tried this? I love that they just drop that ish at the door and like turn and walk away. Meanwhile, I can scream through my door, thank you, as they're like scurrying away. And I never have to interact with them. It's great.
Charmaine Houck:Yeah. So I think that having that brave space, and the ability to define what your own brave is, is a remarkable way to look at it because safe space. Well, there's also that well, what is what does safe mean? To you? What does safe mean to that person? I do agree it's overused. Um, because I don't know if anyone else has had this experience. But how have you ever walked into a place that was said to be a, "safe space"? But you walked away still feeling unheard?
Mx Zephy:Right, 100%? Well, I think that's also kind of like what we're doing in Misfit Mondays. That's kind of why some of our episodes, like you'll see as we go on, that some of our episodes are actually just community agreements. Because I think that's the thing that we need to start having more of. Because shadow work, and we'll talk about this, you know, more in today's episode, like shadow work is a lot more than personal sometimes. Sometimes it's involving the community. And it's, and it's showing up and being able to show up in that community as your best self. And I think that having these agreements and having a level set for what these agreements look like, really helps us work through some of these things. And I think that's a lot of reason why we've decided to use community agreements, as episode titles is, it really helps us set that tone and set that intention for the work that we're going to be doing in each of these episodes. Because let's be clear, Misfit Mondays is more about, it's less about episodes and more about the work that comes through those episodes.
Charmaine Houck:Right. And I would say on that, as well, as we're working through, you know, the Shadow Work, and the and the light work, but we really need to hold that space of compassion. Because it's not just about showing up as our best selves, or our highest selves. It's about showing up as who we are. And being compassionate with the times that you show up in ways that might not be your best, or might not be considered the best by other people. You know, a lot of Shadow Work is working through everything people have told you, you are.
Mx Zephy:Right. And it's also an I think there's also the other piece too of like, when you're doing shadows, Shadow Work is having that compassion to understand that some people are also going through that. So how do you have that grace and you know, make that space for those other people to work through their own shit, too. So I think that's the other piece of this, too, is like, how do you show up for other people in this work? As much as Shadow Work is about yourself. It's also about understanding that other people are doing this.
Charmaine Houck:Yes.
Mx Zephy:So on that note on that now, let's get into what today is. So for today, we're going to be looking, um, first about what love and light is in this kind of omm shanty shanty bullshit that we see in social media. Okay, it's not really bullshit. You know, I do like love and light. I do love it.
Charmaine Houck:It's not bullshit. It's more like poo pourri.
Mx Zephy:Yeah. So, yes, and yeah, yes,
Charmaine Houck:not a sponsor. But you could be. Not a sponsor. It could be poo pourri. We see you.
Mx Zephy:So, um, we're gonna be doing that. Yes. And yes, we'll talk about lightwork and we'll talk about that, but that's not gonna be the focus. And we're also going to be talking about Shadow Work. How does this show up? What are some tips and tricks on and talk about like, how this is going to progress as we move through Misfit Mondays? You know, over the coming weeks, fingers crossed. Coming years? I would love to see this keep going. Um, we already I think we already have like one year's worth of content already planned. And we're only on episode zero. Well, no episode one, zero was last week. And then we'll end up with a closing and then Charmaine will go into a guided meditation because that is not my ministry. That is not my skill. Charmaine does those things great.
Charmaine Houck:It's not my ministry either. I just opened myself to source and whatever comes out my mouth comes out my mouth. It's never premeditated. I have nothing written down. I light a candle and we roll with it. So give me grace and compassion.
Mx Zephy:All the grace because source and I are not friends. Right now. We're working. We're navigating, you know, a companionship, we're moving into friendship, but like first moving through some things and I'm like, Look, this is bullshit you put me through again. Shadow Work. Um, so yeah, let's talk about like, lightwork. Charmaine I think you had some really good thoughts about like, what light work is, um,
Charmaine Houck:kind of, yeah, so light work. Uh, this is our, our true love and light. And if you go out onto social media, you're gonna find the love and light everywhere. And, you know, some of us are called lightworkers. I would say that I'm a light worker, very much so. However, as I am also going into my own shadow work. I'm just really like Glinda the Good Witch who drinks coffee? So, you know, pink dress, crown, latte, and realness. Okay, so
Mx Zephy:I'm the sister that's sitting under the house right now. Working through my own shit. So I"ll let you know when I do I become Glinda the Good Witch. Right now I'm just Elphaba.
Charmaine Houck:so So lightwork is your, everything that is raising our vibration and bringing us to our highest self. Lightworkers are committed to serving other people and serving humanity. I'm very much about serving other people and helping them on their journey. And so that's how I got into the work that I do. But I go out into Instagram. And you can#lightwork and you're gonna see everything from you know, signs that say you are magic to you know, follow your dreams to, well, I for me, this is my own slogan. Yes. Those aren't my nipples. Those are my crystals. Wherever you hold those crystals at, it's all fun. It's all about smiles and love and compassion and everything. Working towards your highest and greatest good, which is fantastic. It is. But it's only half of the story.
Mx Zephy:Right. Well, I also think it says it's serenity and peacefulness can be yours for the low low price of your good vibes only soul. Going once, going twice, sold to the desperate bitch looking for solace and comfort. And I feel like that's the messenger, like that you get from that is like, oh, you're lacking something, I have something I'm going to provide you. But I'm like, Well, do you really? Like are you really going to deliver on that? Because I'm not really sure. And I mean, we see this in all kinds of marketing like, like, fuck Wendy's and their damn like fries and Frosties combination, because that screws me over every time. Or like the latest it bag like I'm looking at a Birkin bag. And I'm like, I can't afford that, not on my salary but I want one. Right. Um, yeah, and I think that Misfit Mondays falls a little bit into that, but also, like, we're not delivering what we can't promise, like, if you stick with us, you'll, you'll see what we're, you know, we're putting down and I want you to really take in these lessons, because you're going to see these benefits. You know, a lot of these pops spirituality places are just not delivering. And I think that's really discouraging, it kind of gives people this like empty feeling. Um, and we do engage a little bit of marketing. So heads up, we did put up like, a Patreon, just the other day, there's nothing on it yet. But we're also not gatekeeping, we will post free thing on there. Like I think, I think we're putting something on community agreements on there, that'll be free to the public, just kind of the teaser. Um, but also the things that we're putting in, there aren't really things that you necessarily need. You'll get everything you need from the podcast, these are just a little extra goodies. So you can kind of get get to know us a little bit more, um, and kind of really just keep us doing this podcast. So look on Patreon for Misfit Mondays, you know. Get interested, get into we will spill all the tea.
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, and it's not about you. For us, it's not about that fear of missing out. And that's not our style at all.
Mx Zephy:FOMO is so real
Charmaine Houck:It is so real. And I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't get what they need. That's really part of who I am as a person. If you need something if you need more, email us message us on social media. And we will do what we can to help you guide you to resources. Give you more information. I don't want anyone who's listening to ever feel like they can't get what they need. If they haven't quite gotten the answer. I am happy to take questions and do the best that I can. I don't know everything because I don't believe in guru mentality. There are people out there who are much smarter and well versed and have more experience than I do. I'm happy to you know, make connections. Nobody should have to feel like they're left out of spirituality and their own spirituality. Like what you choose to make up is yours.
Mx Zephy:Right And I mean, and we even have an email so if you want to email us that's notyourgurusnamaste@gmail.com I think that's the right one, right. I didn't put Misfit Monday's. Yeah, it's notyourgurunamaste. So I'm scattered, it's like seven o'clock here. That's like at the end of the workday, my head's a little fucked up. But it's notyourgurusnamaste@gmail.com. And either Charmaine or I or I will answer your questions like, and I subscribe to the same thing that Charmaine does like I'm always like, I have not been doing this work that long to consider the "expert" like I have my personal experience, which is valid and I you know, and I do a lot of introspection I've been in therapy so many times. I espouse therapy, as long as that therapist has good,-definition of good as whatever. But we know we have resources, we can point you to people that we can point to like, and we'll drop some of these in show notes. I think that's one of the things that we want to start. We'll figure this out like, we're only on episode one people. So just bear with us. We'll figure this out.
Charmaine Houck:And we do have some really great Individuals who will come in for interviews throughout the path. So people from all over all walks of life, all spiritual. Oh my gosh, I don't want to get into it. But yeah, I had a quick brief interview with somebody yesterday who grew up Mormon, and is now like, completely on the other side of life. But we had some really great conversations, I can't wait for him to be on the show. We just have a lot of interesting people with great stories and more information on how they've worked through some of this. Because we can only talk to our own experiences. Right.
Mx Zephy:So yeah, I think that's the thing is, like, these good experience like and, and also to be clear, like good experiences, like that's not it, like, that's not the only thing like it like, it's because on top of like, that talks to what that we were just talking about. There's also this culture of like good vibes only.
Charmaine Houck:Ugggh. Gross.
Mx Zephy:I know. I know. And we have another episode, just around this topic itself. Um, it's called toxic positivity. But like this is just tantamount to just denying who you are as a person. So and I hate this fucking word too like, let's normalize like, I'm tired of hearing with normalized da da da that it's a good like, it's a good concept, I'm gonna be wrong. It's like that safe space. It's kind of overused and overwrought. But also like, let's feel these things. Let's feel this anger, this jealousy, this sadness, and like, all these things we're told is bringing the vibe down. And again, that goes back to the community agreements, like making space for people. So we'll have to work on like how to respond when those feelings come up. That's absolutely clear. But also like, these bad feelings, quote, unquote, like these feelings are neither good nor bad. They're just as much as part of life as you know, joy, pleasure, sex, drugs, rock and roll, well, maybe not drugs well. Maybe I'm not gonna
Charmaine Houck:I'm not outing myself.
Mx Zephy:I'm not knocking anybody for doing it either. So But anyways, like that. So it's like the that's and I think that's a big piece of like, why this love and light culture is so terrible is it's not that it's not good for you. It's just it's done in excess. It's this thing that oh, well, we this is the only thing we want. And we can't touch everything else. It's like am but really, like, there's a part for you to like all these shadow pieces of the party, which is why I think Monday's is is going to work because we need to cover these things.
Charmaine Houck:Because I I never will be a Stepford wife. I can't do it.
Mx Zephy:I mean, we look good in pearls. I mean,
Charmaine Houck:I look good. But, but I cannot smile, and nod. Oh, I was so that person for so long. I cannot do it anymore. I can't smile and nod and uh inhale my feelings and stuff them so far down in my gut that I have to drink two bottles of wine that night, just to get through it, you know, that? Hashtag True story. I can't do that anymore. And it's taken a long time to get there. And that's, you know, really a part of this. You know, our segue, avoiding our shadows. It's one thing to avoid the shadows for yourself. It's a whole nother beast to avoid the shadows, because you're told that you can't be that way. Right? That it's over emotional. It's you have no reason to feel that way. You know, it's kind of like telling someone, oh, you have a great job and a healthy family, but you're not allowed to be depressed about anything, because you've got it better than a lot of people. That's. It might be true. They might have it better in a lot of ways that
Mx Zephy:don't invalidate people's experiences. But one thing
Charmaine Houck:yeah, it doesn't take away from the fact that they may have a mental illness and addiction. There are a lot of things that somebody can be going through that we know nothing about. And in that invalidation of our feelings, whether it's by our own hand or by that a society of those around us, we are just we are layering trauma, like fucking cake inside ourselves. And it's, you know, it's not frosting holding it together. It's like icky sludgy, nasty goop that when you have to finally start wading through your own shadow work. You can get stuck in that muck. Really, is he
Mx Zephy:right and please don't eat it like I know let them eat cake is a popular thing, but please don't eat that cake if it's got goop and gross on it. Just don't don't
Charmaine Houck:eat that cake. Don't eat that cake
Mx Zephy:because we should over and then work through this sludge.
Charmaine Houck:I mean, there's not even enough coffee to get that cake down.
Mx Zephy:Or acid for that matter. Speaking of sex, drugs, rock and roll Um, yeah. So I think to like, and it's important, like when we're talking about Shadow Work since now we're, you know, we pushed all the way past light work, and we said, fuck it put it in the rearview mirror. Like, I think there's also two pieces of Shadow Work. Like there's that like that psychology piece that Carl. You. You. Jung, like I have a lisp, like I'm gonna mispronounce things all the time. It's just the thing. But there's also like, the spiritual thing too. And like, and I'd like to, for us to chat a little bit about like, the psychology psychological piece, because I think yes, it forms a good foundation. But it's again that yes, and piece like, yes, there's just like a pyschological piece, but also and also, I mean, why keeps I might have just titled this episode. Yes. But I keep saying yes. But as opposed
Charmaine Houck:to saying yes, but now I love a good but yes. And I also like a few good other things, but
Mx Zephy:the butt is silent,
Charmaine Houck:but is silent. Ah, you know, two t's. Yeah, so when it comes to more of that psychological view, it's really seeing the least desirable elements in ourselves. And as I said, those elements that society or family judge us for or say are bad, and I and the biggest one for me is being emotional. I was so non emotional for so many years. And as a feminist, I could hit myself right in my dumb face for stuff that I used to say about myself. Because I know more than once I used the phrase, I am over re acting as in because I have ovaries. I am ovarreacting
Mx Zephy:that mean you also need a hysterectomy to since I mean, we were talking about ovaries, let's talk about the hysterectomy where that came from? hysterical
Charmaine Houck:you right, which I've also had a hysterectomy now. So yeah, I've come full circle on that one. But it had nothing to do with that there. I never should have had to feel like having emotions was a bad thing. Regardless of my gender, regardless of what I was working through. It just compounded down on so many other things in my life that I learned to be unemotional. But in learning to be unemotional, I also was very closed off to relationships and how I related to people. Which is just crazy. It's crazy how it all works together. And how these little things. Obviously, they tell you about the psychological effects on children from any type of abuse, whether that's physical or verbal or emotional, and, and how it plays out through the body and through our existence. And as an adult, when you start sifting through this stuff, and you know like kitty litter, like the kitty litter that it is, and you start sifting through and finding the chunks of Oh, why am i a jealous person. Why do I have this insecurity about being vulnerable? More than other people? And why? Why can't I cry in front of people, you know that simple things that but you have to, you have to sift through it, and it it's stinky. And it's gross sometimes, and you have to look at other people in your life a little differently. And on that, I also say that if you're having if you had parental issues at all, one of the things that helped me move through some of that work was realizing that as I was growing up, I was also watching my parents grow up. And that didn't make a lot of sense to me until I hit 40. And as someone who has teenage kids, I'm like, Oh, yeah, like I don't feel old at 40 I'm, but I'm still figuring my shit out. Right? Yeah. So when I remember being younger and dealing with stuff, you know, my parents were my age now and they were still figuring themselves out. And so if that helps anyone to see see their parents is as humans who have both their own light and shadow sides please take that with you today.
Mx Zephy:I think too, like and so that's like the Carl Jung thing like I think it's Jung like I'll probably double check this because I'm that like type a person that has to be correct all the time, which is whatever but anyways like with with Carl Jung and like the shadow side like Carl Jung can kind of focus really Unlike the shadow side being born in your childhood as a result of interactions with your family and like your environment, and things like that. Um, the shadow side on the spiritual side is more in terms of like energy and it's built in it and it was born out of like shamanic healers. And this is looking at the totality of your life and saying, Oh, these are, these are all the parts that I don't see, these are all the parts that I don't acknowledge or accept, um, and they're also outside of your mind. They exist in different parts of you. They show up like in our chakra systems, we'll talk about chakras in another episode. Well, and they also and it's more than just personality to with like, spirituality side of the shadow work. It's also passed down via past lives too. So we have to look deeper than just what's present in this lifetime to heal which feels so is super impossible. Let me tell you what, it is super impossible, but there's some times that I'm like, sitting with emotions, and I'm like, there's no memory tied to why this emotion is showing up. And I don't understand what I can do to fix it because it doesn't feel like it's mine. But like if we're speaking in terms of energy, it is mine because it shown up in previous iterations of myself. And so now this is like a lot and we'll talk a little bit more about this a little bit but like this is like more that those lessons are showing up and saying Alright, you have to repeat this because apparently you didn't get it the first time around. So let's dump this shit right back in here and so this way you can figure it out this time around this is on you to break its cycle breaking. It's looking at like just breaking cycles and I mean, let me tell you what breaking cycles of some of the best work and most rewarding work but it's also the toughest work. You will break. You will cry. You will probably scream and curse. I think I was an angry person for a long time for that. I'm a little bit shiny and happier. Still a little pissed off most of the time but you know working on it, we'll see.
Charmaine Houck:At least your brows always look good.
Mx Zephy:Well, that's a whole other story like I had an angry person at one point like attack my eyebrows. I've been trying to grow them back for like the last five years. Trying to grow your brows back by the way is impossible. But it did find this little like gimme more brow thing and shameless plug I'm sorry. Like, if you want to sponsor us for you know plugging this feel free but like gimme brows is one of these things that like fluffs up your eyebrows a little bit, puts a little more color on there makes them look a little more fuller. So they look really good on certain days, it's probably because I have like, done a little bit of makeup bait and switch
Charmaine Houck:as I say away when you look very pensive, your brows are like they're talking to me.
Mx Zephy:My whole face fucks me. That's the problem with me and Shadow Work. And me and people in general like resting bitchface you just always looks like a mad angry pissed off upset with you. Might be the truth, might not be.
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, and what you're talking about there with breaking systems here, whether it's past life, it also digs deeper into that ancestral trauma piece, generational traumas. Which I am doing a lot of work on. A lots, lots of crap, lots of addiction and abuse, and things like that, that I am stopping, like, I'm the I'm now the parent, and I am not allowing those habits to continue as I raise my children, and being cognizant of that and, and forgiving, and forgiving, which is a big piece of it. Forgiving other people and forgiving yourself for how you've reacted to some of these things in your past. Because when we react, that guilt or shame can stick with us and and be part of our shadow work that we have to move through.
Mx Zephy:Right? Well, you know, and I think that's important too. And I want to honor what you just said. Because I think that ties in a little bit with like, why do we ignore our shadow self. And I think that there's an association that shadow work or shadows are good, or they're bad, or they're evil, or that there's something wrong with us that's inherently wrong with us. Um, and all that is just fucking untrue. Because it's neither it just is it's neither bad nor good. It just is. It's a part of you, is a part of you, that you that I feel like you need to learn to love and to learn to embrace and to hold um, give me Yeah, confidence feels good, love feels good. Gratitude feels good. Like, all those things feel great. And those are things that help us, you know, show up in spaces as our best self. And that's, that's the benefit of lightwork, I think is that that that helps us show up as our best self. But I think shadow, you know, oftentimes gets associated as the opposite. And then went and then like, unlike lightwork, where you improve on that confidence, and you improve on that security and that gratitude, that thing grows and grows and grows in positivity but shadow is opposite. Like if you keep feeding that shadow with your insecurity and you keep feeding that shadow with well I'm not deserving or I'm not worth it. That's also going to grow but in the exact opposite direction. So you're going to start like just breaking yourself down and like reinforcing those, those trauma experiences and those themes and then you just start acting them out. You're reinforcing those belief. Then it just becomes almost impossible to integrate. And it comes really, really fucking hard. So I, you know, I just wanted to make sure that you know, we honor the fact that you're you're saying that, oh, as a parent, I'm realizing that this is showing up like this, how do I change this? And I think that's that healing piece that we're that we're getting to.
Charmaine Houck:Absolutely. And anyone can Google the story of the two wolves? Which one do you feed? I'm not going to go into it.
David Booth:Is that Susan Raffo?
Charmaine Houck:I don't know Don't ask me. That's what Google's for. I just know I've read it. I think a lot of times it comes up as like a native story of which you which wolf Do you feed inside yourself the one of light or the one of shadow. Yeah, and the one you feed is the one that will be the leader. And so while that has good points and it's really about balance, it comes back to Yin and Yang and the light and the shadow at balance and being at harmony in who you are wholly. both light and dark. So you know, and obviously this cuts across so many cultures and the way that other cultures view spirituality, and you know, Iwas raised Catholic so sin had that dirty bad sin that we do
Mx Zephy:would be blind for masturbating. I remember that lesson even though I wasn't Catholic but like growing up, there was like talk of Brillo pads and people scrubbing their skins off because they masturbated. It was insane and I was terrified to masturbate for a long time.
Charmaine Houck:Oh, God.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, no kidding. But now it's just like Well, I guess I'm just living in sin
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, I got nothing for that. I got a Brazilian today and it felt like I was tortured. So I was That was awful um, it but yeah, there's so many ways to look at it depending on your culture. And really what it comes down to is achieving your best self it it is a balance and and being okay with who you are as a whole. And it's a long hard journey. Sometimes it's it's walking uphill both ways in you know, chest deep snow in the middle of winter.
Mx Zephy:Well, the story is that's like some like Lauren Ingles, like Little House on the Prairie. Midwestern shit I can't like relate to
Charmaine Houck:Well, actually, yes, Laura Ingalls Wilder. Her her home, and stuff is like an hour away from me. So that is very much the Little House on the Prairie stuff there. And that's an old wives tale of what our parents tell us when we talk about how hard we have it. Well, back in our day we had to walk uphill both ways in the snow to school, all this stuff.
Mx Zephy:Well, back in my day, I didn't have tik tok or Instagram or Facebook. How was I supposed to be my best self if I didn't have that?
Charmaine Houck:Oh my god, no filters. Ah.
Mx Zephy:Right. One I think also like to your point to like to make this like abundantly clear. I want to make sure that people understand this, like Shadow Work is also lightwork. In my opinion, Shadow Work and light work are basically the same. They both have like the tangible outcomes of this like in Shadow Work is not all darkness either. There's lightness in that lessons to be learned. Because I think with with Shadow Work, there's the potential inside of each of us, that can be tapped if we work through the shadows, and those are likely shadows for a reason. And the reason is because those shadows show you who you are capable of being. They show you the gifts you repress from fear, and can you like and I think the question I really want to ask people is like, Can you imagine working through that fear to uncover the shadow and discovering that pearl that's inside of it. A friend of mine Michael Billy has like the shadow saying like he has this like thing like the shadow experience these traumas, he's hurt this conflict that we all experienced, they don't really happen to you, but for you, for us to like grow and to learn to live in abundance and to really like to tap into like that authenticity. Because I don't think that you can really be the embodiment of light without having some shadows attached to it. And just like it's not possible, I don't I don't see it as being a possibility. Because I think that's where you I think those shadows are where you learn how to be a little bit more inclusive, and you can tap into things like you know, how not to be anti black, how not to be racist, and well, not even not to be racist. So I think you have to be anti racist. Like, I think you have to take a step further like, and it teaches you just about how other teaches you compassion for other people's experiences. And that, again, like back to the community agreements that we're talking about, how do you show up and make space for other people? How do you show up with that grace to say, I understand you, I see you, I acknowledge you, I hear you. I'm getting goosebumps like, this is wisdom. I don't think is mine. I think this might be coming from source But whatever. Oh, yeah.
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, yeah. I think that too, because I just finished How to Be an Anti Racist and with everything that's going on in the world, a phenomenal stuff. And really, I believe 100%, that shadow work and light work go hand in hand, because it's a boat, they are two sides of the same coin. And that same coin is healing. It really is about, you know, once you've worked through your own shadow and your healing, then you're able to come out the other side and shine that healing light for others, help them on their journey. Give them a hand. And that's really what is it's abou. It is. It all comes back to the community and how we show up as ourselves in our community. One, showing up authentically, with our own shadows that are our own personality hiccups, we might say, allows other people to feel more comfortable and to show up authentically. And secondly, when we hold that space, so you know, you go into a space, and a lot of times people will tell you something. And then there, you might personally have this feeling that you need to find that peace in your life that is similar to tell them, right. So we have this need within ourselves to make this like commonality connection. And, well, we want to have that commonality. And we need to take a breath and take a step back. And rather than giving an anecdote about what we might have in common, and it's about giving that person's space, to have that moment of speaking their truth. And then whether we choose to ask clarifying questions, or even just to say your thank you for sharing that, you know, that must have taken a lot for you to say that, you know, and thank you. That's all you have to say. You know, and I think sometimes that goes further and making a true connection than trying to find that piece of your life that might be similar.
Mx Zephy:Oh God, I struggle with this so much like it alsways like I want to relate to you like and the only way I knew how to relate to you is by sharing your story as opposed to me just going you know what, maybe I should just shut the fuck up. Like, seriously like, and I also think that goes into a little bit of ego work too. Like feeling like I feel I need to be heard which again, ties into that, like that shadow part of me that's like, Oh, I'm not deserving or I'm not worth it, which then ties into that fear of like, I can't show up. So like, and again, like I think this is a beautiful reminder like to just pause be okay with just saying that sucks? Do you want to share more? Like, do you want me to open up the space like, and then also to I think also it's like, um, oh man, where did my thoughts I just lost my train of thought. It Oh, also like asking thing, you know, I have the spoons, like, I have space for this, like, you know, saying that I have, I'm giving you it's almost like you're giving consent or permission to like, continue sharing. And again, creating that brave space for people to show up and to show up. Like, this is me, this is who I am. Um, and then doing it without judgment. I think that's the other piece too is doing it without judgment and making sure that people know that, you know, I don't judge you for this. This is an experience that you hold, you know, it's shitty that it happened to you. But also like, I'm here to listen to it. And I want to know, like, how did you learn from this? What was your What was your lesson here? Like, and this is where, again, like the Shadow Work is lightwork because you're shedding that light of understanding, you're shedding that light of compassion, you're illuminating the shadows and saying, What's lesson here? What can I find here? What does that nugget of truth that the universe put this lesson here for me to learn today? And how do I show up like this? And all this stuff is happening in your head? Like, this isn't things that are like, I'm having this conversation with you? Just for like, I know that I'm like rambling right now. And I'm probably talking fast and can't hear me but you know, I work on that too. But this is like conversations in your head of like, how do I show up and do this silently, how do I just you know, be that support for you to to share and to get it off your chest?
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, finger snaps it Ah, I don't even know.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, there's a lot there. An awful lot.
Charmaine Houck:That was like, shining a flashlight on a chandelier. And I don't know what speck of light to chase right now.
Mx Zephy:There's a line, I'm a little I'm a little thrown by myself, I gave myself goosebumps. I'm like, Ooh, this is this is actually some This is some real wisdom. This is some real tea that's coming out.
Charmaine Houck:I feel like I'm a cat in a room of laser beams. I just don't know which one to pounce on right now. Right. All right. Bazinga, right?
Mx Zephy:Exactly. What I mean, and this
Charmaine Houck:is, and this is also the fun part of Shadow Work, just
Mx Zephy:like Shadow Work can be fun stuff. Like we don't take ourselves seriously at Misfit Mondays, like at all like, because I don't think that Shadow Work necessarily needs to be something where you feel bad about these things that you're uncovering like, again, it's not good or bad. It's just you're shedding a light on things that you don't feel comfortable with, you're shedding a light on those pieces of you that you may not want to share with the world. But I think honestly, that those are things that tell you so much about yourself and who you are and how you show up. And they show you like, this is how it could be versus what it is. And that's the other piece of Shadow Work. Like there's so many, like Shadow Work is just fragmented, like there's so many pieces that are like all over the place. And it's like threading, um, there's various pieces together. But like Shadow Work is looking at the past and in looking ahead to the future, but also reminding you to be present in the moment, and to enjoy what's happening now. Because now is the only thing you have
Charmaine Houck:and shadow work isn't? Oh, okay, I'm gonna do I might dig myself a hole here, Shadow Work. Good. Shadow Work is not necessarily true. And I say that in, we all perceive experiences differently. So what you remember, of an experience, how you've held that experience, may not actually be how that experience went down. You know, and sometimes it's going back and
Mx Zephy:how you're recalibrating your lens of experience?
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, recalibrating your lens, which I've done I, I went back to some family this summer and asked hard questions about things I remember from my childhood to get straight answers from other perspectives. So that I could collect the pieces and put them together re-put them together for myself as an adult, so that I could finally work through them. And so we have to understand that too. That was we're working through Shadow Work. Sometimes you have to go deeper and go back to people from your past, not always, and you don't have to, you know, if you do shadow work the way you need to do it for yourself. If you need to you can you can go back to people to get other perspectives to have true conversations of forgiveness. And if that's not your thing, then don't think that it has to be your thing. This like spirituality and the way you heal is your own. So don't think that one way is the right way. There is no one right way. Right? Well,
Mx Zephy:this is so And I'm reminded by Harry Potter and Mad Eye Moody and you probably don't get this like, I don't know, if you're that age range, You might be just a little.
Charmaine Houck:Wow, did you just call me old.
Mx Zephy:Yeah, but also, I've made Harry Potter references to you and you're like, that's not my age range. And I'm like, Alright, well, that's cool. Fuck you too, very much since like, and I know that JK Rowling is very problematic. And I you know, I don't. But I'm also about that like reclaiming part of things in order to make it ours because Harry Potter was a very big part of my childhood and my adolescence. And it really helped me come to terms with myself. But you know, divergence aside, like with this, like shadow, like I go into a lot of tangents This is just like, it's rambling all the time. For me. There's a lot of thoughts that happen in my head, sometimes it's doesn't go anywhere. This is going somewhere I promise. So talking about like, spotting your shadow and like in like looking into the past and things like that. I'm reminded of Mad Eye Moody, where they're doing the unforgivable curses of imperio, avada kadavra, and imperio constant vigilance. And he said it really loud. So I'm not going to scream it because I don't want to scare anybody. And I don't want anybody to drive off the road if they're like, listening to this on the radio, so I'm not going to scream it. But like, it's this idea of like constant vigilance and checking in with yourself and checking in with your emotions and be like, Why Why am I responding or reacting to the situation in a certain way? And I think that's that, you know, as because I think we're moving into that that conversation piece now of how do we spot and how do we heal our shadow? I think that's kind of where we're from kind of like dragging this conversation.So those threads might not be all the way there, but I feel like they're there. I feel like they're there.
Charmaine Houck:We're definitely getting there. But
Mx Zephy:so it's like this So like spotting your shadow and yeah, like healing a shadow and doing all this work of looking back into the past and looking through this like recalibrating your, your lens of experience, um, it's this constant vigilance because you have to, you have to really start knowing yourself and understanding yourself and looking at why am I responding this way? Why am I responding to the situation with these emotions? Why am I reacting this way? And actually one of our one of my friends, actually your friend to Josh is like, my, he's literally my shadow self. Like, I look at Josh, and Josh is literally, everything I don't like about Josh is everything that shows up in myself. And that's something it took me a year. Yeah, it took me two years to realize this, but really, the relationship was so fraught, is still kind of fraught, because, like, I don't know how to reconcile those pieces of me yet.
Charmaine Houck:Well, and, you know, I've heard that all of my life is that what you don't like, and other people is something that you are dealing with in yourself, or that you haven't dealt with in yourself? And what do we call those triggers? Right? Pow, pow, those are my finger guns. Um, yeah. So we have these triggers, and you don't know when they're gonna hit you at all, you know, you might go into a situation and be like, oh, based on past experience, this could trigger me this could be that thing that pushes me out,
Mx Zephy:abort, abort. This is a very bad idea.
Charmaine Houck:And there's other times where you could watch a television show, and something happens on the television show and you are on edge right now. Or it could be the thing that puts you in tears puts you in a panic attack.
Mx Zephy:That's why every Disney movie like reduces me to like tears like, on the floor, like bawling. Like, no, I'm gonna be dramatic. I was gonna say not to be dramatic, but like banging my hand on the floor. Why God why well not God. Godexx, why Godexx, why, like?
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, so is it part of the Shadow Work is looking into this. Okay, what happened? What specifically happened? As we move through our daily lives, we have a lot of information coming at us and swilling by our eyes on a regular basis. So you have to dig into that and sorted out as to what is the thing that got me What, what is that trigger element? What What happened? How did it make me feel? Why does it make me feel that way? You know, is there something that I can do to let go of this? Because sometimes it's, it's really stuff that doesn't matter anymore, but you're still holding on to it. Yeah. You know,
Mx Zephy:that inner critic is a real fucking bitch.
Charmaine Houck:Yeah, she is. Real hobag. Um, you know, and so it could be old breakups. It could be, you know, you don't wear polka dots, because someone once told you don't look good polka dots. Fuck that critic. I don't care.
Mx Zephy:Wear the poker the biggest, and where the biggest ones you can find too and make that as like, loud as possible. I'm talking like neon yellow. Go for it.
Charmaine Houck:Yeah. It's finding those triggers, and really just sorting through them. You know, what, what is it? Why is it? Is it something I can handle now? Is it something that I need to see a counselor about? Is it something that I could just talk over with a friend and get it out of my system, and maybe that will help. But understanding it and understanding what it is. So when it pops up again, as it will because that's the universe?
Mx Zephy:Yay universe.
Charmaine Houck:you can work to act differently and to react differently and in a healthier way for you? Or to set your boundaries and say, No, I will no longer participate, partake in, etc, etc. Because I know this is a trigger for me. And I'm, I'm just not going there right now. Right?
Mx Zephy:Yeah, and this is the whole thing of like shedding light, like all of these things you're talking about, like talking to the friend checking in with a therapist doing all this check-in, those are the things that we call shedding light on that shadow card in you. And the more that shadow is illuminated, the less it's going to stick. Um, and then if you keep sticking with us, I know that we're coming to the top of the hour, so I kind of want to wrap this up a little bit. Even though I'm having a great conversation with you and I love every bit of this. But also like stick with us. That's literally what Misfit Mondays is about is providing guidance and insight. Um, this is the heart of it is working through those shadows. And before we close out is there any like last minute thoughts you have because I don't want to cut you off. I love this conversation. It's going. I really love it. It's just going great.
Charmaine Houck:No, I don't really have anything it's just you know ah, It is such a journey. And I just want people to understand that it's worth it, it's worth it, to choose yourself, and to choose to know yourself in the deepest, most intimate way that you can. When people say you can't truly love another until you love yourself, I didn't know what that meant I really shouldn't have started dating until I was 50.
Mx Zephy:Or ever or ever. More than one right now.
Charmaine Houck:You know, as, as somebody in my 40s, with kids and exes, and all of that, it's like, oh, man, had I had I just taken the time to get to know myself earlier the things that I would not have dealt with, right. But then again, what things would I not have learned in my life? Had I not gone through these steps, so everything, you know, people say divine timing, universal insight, all of that, call it what you will. But I, I kind of have to prescribe to that pill a little bit, because I'm really happy with where I'm at, even if I'm 40. Now working through Shadow Work that I put off for a long time. I've enjoyed the ride in a lot of ways, and I feel stronger and more confident for the life that I've lived. Right. So don't be scared of it.
Mx Zephy:Right? Well, and you know, and I think and I think that's, you know, a perfect wrap up for us is because the truth of Shadow Work and light work is that they're equally spiritually as Yes, and. It's your path, your journey, your soul evolution, whatever that looks like in this lifetime. It's both deeply personal and infinitely expanding. So maybe this looks like dabbling, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, digging into developing you in a way that makes sense for you. That's beautiful and I honor your journey. Charmaine probably does too. And this journey, you know, that's the beginning. That's a glorious beginning of that there's absolutely nothing wrong, flawed or bad with dipping your toes in it, because I'm sure the water is sanitary, it doesn't look questionable to me at all. So if you can answer yes to this question of does this nourish my soul? Then you're doing what you need to do, in my opinion, there's always more to discover when you're ready. So with that lady Charmaine, I think that it's time for us to close out this episode of Yes, and on Misfit Mondays with a little bit of guided magic. Ya??
Charmaine Houck:yeah, yeah, we're gonna do that. And I heard some feedback from our episode zero, that people didn't realize we were going to be interactive. And so I say to anyone out there who cannot stop what they're doing at this time to please pause, and come back to me, I'll be here for you to give you this guided meditation when you can really sink into it. And for anyone else who is prepared. Wherever you are, I want you to mindfully come into this brave space that we've created here for you today. And if you feel called to close your eyes, you're more than welcome. But I really want you to feel into the moment and feel where you're sitting or standing. Are you feeling grounded here. Just take a couple of nice deep breaths in through the nose. Out through the mouth, in through the nose and out through the mouth. And let's open up our heart space here. Go ahead and if you'd like to place your hands both hands, one hand on your heart. And imagine that you have a ball of warm lights in your palms here. Holding it close to your heart space. This ball of love and compassion This is where we are going to allow ourselves to integrate and balance our light and our dark or our light work our shadow work, and what we see as our best parts of ourselves and what we see as parts that we would like to get rid of. But in doing this and and shining this compassion into our heart, look deeper and find the silver lining of the shadows. At this time, I asked you to just think of one shadow item in your life that you'd like to work on right now. It could be jealousy. It could be your emotions. Maybe it's a communication skill. Now look into that shadow. Try to pull out one silver thread. One thing that you've learned from that shadow, one good experience you've had because of the shadow, or due to the shadow, allow yourself to think I am well. I am balanced. And I go forth in wisdom with this knowledge. And let's surround that fragment of shadow with our ball of love and compassion. And as we integrate that piece let's remind ourselves that when the shadow comes up for us again, we will take a breath and pause and we will remember that we are well and that we will act with wisdom because of this knowledge. This is about practice not perfection. Give yourself grace and compassion. If you have a reaction that is not ideal to you and come back to this space within your heart and give the shadow a little bit more love and compassion as you go forward. I hope you all have a fantastic week. Ah I'm so happy that you joined us here tonight. And today, whatever day Monday. We're Monda's. Misfit Mondays. Thank y u for joining us and and being p rt of this and stepping int this small piece of of Shado Work with us and I hope th t you can find strength in in his piece now going forward. As you work through one piec of shadow, you can always mov on to the next as you feel fi. I just want to say thank you. any blessings to everyone fro us here at Misfit Mondays an we hope you tune in again s